Sweet Nothing

I can feel you leaving me,

my heart, my mind.

The same way that I used to feel you breathe...

Every moment and memory, fading to a mercurial mist,

that climbs around me and then falls away.

You, becoming everything you ever gave me,

And me, letting go of all we ever were...

Sweet Nothing.
 

"You took my heart and you held it in your mouth
And, with the word all my love came rushing out
And, every whisper, it's the worst,
Emptied out by a single word
There is a hollow in me now

So I put my faith in something unknown
I'm living on such sweet nothing
But I'm tired of hope with nothing to hold
I'm living on such sweet nothing
And it's hard to learn
And it's hard to love
When you're giving me such sweet nothing
Sweet nothing, sweet nothing
You're giving me such sweet nothing

It isn't easy for me to let it go
Cause I swallow every single word
And every whisper, every sigh
Eats away this heart of mine
And there is a hollow in me now

So I put my faith in something unknown
I'm living on such sweet nothing
But I'm tired of hope with nothing to hold
I'm living on such sweet nothing
And it's hard to learn
And it's hard to love
When you're giving me such sweet nothing
Sweet nothing, sweet nothing
You're giving me such sweet nothing

And it's not enough
To tell me that you care
When, we both know the words are empty air
You give me nothing"

-Calvin Harris ft. Florence Welch

 

And in the moment I knew..

"Love is the voice under all silences, the hope which has no opposite in fear; the strength so strong mere force is feebleness: the truth more first than sun, more last than star...” ― E.E. Cummings

“Whenever you think or you believe or you know, you're a lot of other people: but the moment you feel, you're nobody-but-yourself.” ― E.E. Cummings

Why do we give love to another just to turn around and beat it out of them...Or ourselves? Why is everyone so afraid to feel..anything?

I'm glad that I'm too much, and that I'm not enough. More than anything I'm glad that I have the strength to feel it. To allow everything that comes with it. The good and the tough...the hard. Because the good is worth it. It's great....it's everything...if I let it be. If I don't try to control it, bend it, if I just allow it to be, everything it was intended.

The Space Between

I’m too much,

And not enough.

An impossible paradox.

So I stay, Living in the space between...

And dying there too.

The real me,

Now a shadow of their make believe.

Watching without a word.

Walking by their side,

Unseen and unheard.

------

"And it won't matter now
Whatever happens to me
Though the air speaks of all we'll never be
It won't trouble me

And it feels so close
Let it take me in
Let it hold me so
I can feel it say...
...Everything...".

- Toad the Wet Sproket

"The snow doesn't give a soft white damn whom it touches.” ― E.E. Cummings

I wonder why it matters so much to me then, why I can't be more like the snow...
To not think about what happens after I disappear.

Sometimes Cummings is all you need to put things back into perspective

“I will take the sun in my mouth
and leap into the ripe air
Alive
with closed eyes
to dash against darkness."

"Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward.”

― E.E. Cummings, Poems, 1923-1954

Not the good kind...

When does something that was once good for you,
become bad?
Heavy, unhealthy, detrimental, toxic even?
When does it happen? When you're not looking?
And then suddenly BAM.
It's all different, or maybe it's the same and you're just different.
I don't know... so many things it seems sometimes.
How do you discern? Sort through, make sense,
Stay impartial, when every feeling comes from a heart that's biased?
Do no harm, to others, to yourself.
Promises you're made to break.
Walk the line, just don't fall...for it.
Always asking yourself, is it the good kind?
But it's not.
And you know it.

------

"Do you want to run away together
I would say it was your best line ever
Too bad I fell for it

And I walked alone
Waiting for you to come along
Take my tortured heart by the hand
And write me off

Do you know I cry
Do you know I die
Do you know I cry
And it's not the good kind

You forced me to become strong
When I just craved being weak

And you think you know
And I would like to think so
But do you know that when you go
I fall apart

I'm tired of hiding
Behind these lying eyes
I'm tired of this smile
That even I don't recognize

Do you know I cry..."

- The Wreckers

My Beginning, My End..

My Immortal Beloved,
I surrender all,
I submit myself.. to you.
You are my breath and living water.
I love you with everything that I am,
and everything that I have.
Take my pride and crush it. In all things, humble me...
That I might be salt and light.

"The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost." ~G.K. Chesterton

The Other Half of Me

I watched you today.
Or should I say,
I watched the other half of me,
do all of the funny little sorts of things,
I like to do.
I watched me laugh.
I watched me smile.
I watched me snuggle.
And for a while,
I watched me do all of the funny little sorts of things,
I like to do.
You listen to me.
You help me breathe.
I am just who I want to be.
And I do all of the funny little sorts of things,
I like to do.
But they just wouldn't mean anything
...without you.

------

"Wishful thinking I might be yours.
Drifting on every step
I'm always drawn to the dark horse
Sweet sweet, oh nothing's said

And every dream, is just a dream after all
And everything stands so still when you dance
Everything spins so fast
And the night's in a paper cup
When you want it to last

Wishful thinking you might be mine
Every shiver sends
One breath under the bridge of sighs
Bending where the river bends
And every dream, is just a dream, after all"

- Heather Nova

"What nourishes me destroys me." - Christopher Marlowe

"Teach us...To give and not to count the cost..." - St. Ignatius Loyola

"I feel my fate in what I cannot fear. I learn by going where I have to go."
- Theodore Rothke, "The Waking"

A Tailor Made Role

It's all in the suit that you wear.
So paint your face,
mask on and ready.
The curtain's coming up,
be still, be steady.
The whisper of the crowd is a fervent frenzy,
and they'll eat you alive, if you miss step.
Remember your lines.
Remember your breath.
No mistakes this time, keep it in check.

Glass grin wide.
And keep your feet moving.
Give it all for the moment,
heart committed to losing.
You better make them love you.
So don't bring your 'wrong' or your 'too much',
they want the act without the crutch.
Don't do damaged, make it pretty.
Make it magical, make it witty.

Can you hear it?
The warm applause of empty praise.
Hold it close,
and take a bow as they dissipate.
And in the quiet dark discern,
which suit you'll wear,
and which one you'll burn.

------

"Hey you, someone said you were lost out there
In the grip, trying to strangle us all down here
In the meantime, are you ever gonna set us free
Hey you, will we ever get out of here?

Are you ever gonna surrender
do you even care
Wasn't talking about sweet submission
It wasn't even there

All in the suit that you wear
When you're looking for something
It's in the suit that you wear
when you're hiding from someone
All in the suit that you wear
When you wear it

Hey You, you keep a-walking the razor
On the edge, you cut your feet when you stand in there
In the meantime, there's always someone to set you free
Hey You, will you ever get out of there

Are you ever gonna surrender
do you even care
Wasn't talking about sweet submission
It wasn't even there

All in the suit that you wear
When you're looking for something
It's in the suit that you wear
when you're hiding from someone
All in the suit that you wear
When you wear it"

- Stone Temple Pilots

"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep..
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep."

- Robert Frost

"And it finally Dawned on me" she said with a smile..."My heart beats in time with love." After all, timing is everything...

Timing is everything... It's what they say. It's what I've been told time and time again and it's the same thing I've told others. Because it seems to be true.

Too little too late... There's another one.. Is that as true?

It feels that way.

Why does the wrong person always seem to say the right words when you need it?
Or maybe the right person just says them when it's too late...

Timing.

Change.

And now everything's different and the words that where once so right, once the only things you wished, wanted, needed to hear, are wrong. Out of place. Too late. And your past is there suddenly stepping back into your present, trying to claim you, desperately throwing life lines to the dead. Hoping to breathe love back into the heart of something that was once so painfully and beautifully alive, but now no longer beats.

Certain songs, snowfalls, the smell of warm sugar and the chill of cloudy days. All things that pulled me in. Things that used to hold me in the moment, in the memory, make me smile , even weep, now just leave me somber, stoic. They don't live in me anymore. They're just pretty headstones for what once was, for their too little too late, and only exist to serve as a reminder to me that timing is everything.

To remind me once more that now, it's time to let go. Time to look forward, not back.

Time to open my heart to hope, to promise, to tomorrow and everything it brings with it.. .

------

"Light reflects from your shadow
It is more than I thought could exist
You move through the room
Like breathing was easy
If someone believed me

They would be
As in love with you as I am
They would be
As in love with you as I am
They would be
In love, love, love

And everyday
I'm learning about you
The things that no one else sees
And the end comes too soon
Like dreaming of angels
And leaving without them..
And leaving without them.

And with words unspoken
A silent devotion
I know you know what I mean
And the end is unknown
But I think I'm ready
As long as you're with me

Being
As in love with you as I am.
Being
as in love with you as I am.
Being
In love, love, love..."

-The XX

All Uncovered

"If the world should end in ice,
In days of endless night,
I'll let the snowstorms cover me
In a blanket of white..." - the handsome family

Today after all these years..
all this time, I did the unthinkable..
I gave words to the evil I bore witness to.
I accepted my failing you, and willed myself to walk that road once more.
I opened that door to the past...willing myself, still so afraid to look back.
I've never spoke of it, never let it breath.
Did everything in my power to strangle it. Kill any trace of it in me.
And I left it there dead in the road.
but all it's done is rot and decay.
The smell of it lingered, in the background of it all.
Of all the moments between then and now..
Now I'm ready, ready to burn what's left of it,
before it's smell becomes my own.
before the scent of me is completely gone.
I'm all grown up now, and still I can't save you,
but maybe there's still a chance to save myself.

I've Got the Shakes :)

"When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew." - William Shakespeare 

The beauty below...

There are times when being me doesn’t feel so foreign,
Like things make sense again,
You give me that.
Sometimes I watch you.
The way your eyes smile.. even when the rest of you is trying so hard not to.
I wonder then who hurt you?
And what they could’ve done, to make you so afraid to hold onto someone?
But I need you.
So I’m going to wait,
just as long as it takes,
to release you,
from all of the guilt that you cling to.
So desperately it seems.
Almost like being sad, is all that you have,
and you’re scared that you’re going to lose that too.
If you’d fight as hard for the “you” that’s inside,
the “you” that you hide,
and let go, and embrace her, and love her.
Then you’d know like I do, the truth about you,
and believe in yourself the way I do.

So I wrote this a while ago, but I thought it was time to send it out into the world and let it breathe. Words are like wine, they taste fuller, thicker, go down smoother when you give them a little room to breathe, let them open up and come into themselves. Reading them over and over is like rolling them around in your mouth, getting the feel for how they taste, savouring their meaning, drinking in their tangible and inkable scent.

So this one is for my better, braver me. I love you. You have always been more than. You always will be...

"I am here now. I will not leave you... You are safe here. You are home now. You can rest." - Jeanette LeBlanc.

The Emotional Cripple Speaks

*The Fear Within*

It feels like I'm falling all over again.
None of these truths make sense in my head.
Except that my heart is anxious and scared,
To the point where I can feel it turning to lead.
I'm fighting,
I'm trying as hard as I can to keep it together.
Alive and entwined and together.
Present and real and together.
Fused with that part of myself,
That part of me that I found somewhere else,
That part of me that I long to be with,
That part of me that's a beautiful gift.
That part of me that grants me my freedom,
But it's that same part of me,
that terrifies me beyond reason.
I'm reverting.
I'm alone, and I'm turning..
Everything off..
Cause I can't stop the hurting..
Alone I makes sense.
Alone with my friends,
Regret and resentment.
Self-loathing prevents me,
From getting too deep, too connected.
If I let me go there, I become self-dissected.
Pulled apart from the inside,
And left there to die.
While that part of me keeps looking,
for what she can't find,
A better, braver me.. another of our kind.
In the end, I'll get what I wished for,
An empty heart for my emotional whore,
to sleep with at night and then beg for more.
Fearful, abandoned, alone at the core..

------

"Deliver me, out of my sadness
Deliver me, from all of the madness
Deliver me, courage to guide me
Deliver me, strength from inside me

All of my life I've been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like you
Now that you're here, now that I've found you
I know that you're the one to pull me through"

- Sarah Brightman

So normally I post a poem and that is that, but in this particular case I can't allow that to be all that is said. Why? Good question. I've never gone through my writing process with you all, but if it's ok, I will quickly "coles notes" it for you. I've been told before that I am very sensitive. That I just feel things very deeply and am affected by things on more than just a surface level. It's true, I don't deny it, I feel things intensely, very intensely. The problem is that I'm not an outwardly reactive or talkative person with my emotions but inwardly... well that's another matter completely. If something happens, if I'm angry, hurt, frustrated or disappointed, or for that matter, over the moon in love, joyful, excited or mesmerized, I immediately react, inside I'm a crazy happy or hurt mess, so I write. It's instinctual, I feel compelled, moved, driven whatever name you want to give it. But I have no choice in the matter. It is how I vent, and process my thoughts and emotions. And as intense as the feelings in some of my posts may seem, they are gone in a moment (well some), think of them as a scream... just on paper. I feel released, exerted then exhausted, and better.

Letting these things live outside of me allows me to move through and past them. And I need that.

In regards to this particular piece, I want to say outloud and so there is no mistaking me. I'm not afraid of that part of me that is more than. More than I expected, more than I could ask for and more than I deserve...

Everything I want is on the other side of fear, and I am there, on the other side as well. I will not and never would allow fear to have that kind of power in my life, to rob me of all the good things. All the BEST things. So I LOVE all of the Best things, with everything in me, with everything I have, despite my momentary fears. So I'll keep letting go of those fears when they come, cause they will from time to time.

I'm all about loving that part of me that is more than..I'm all in.

Some things that are in my mind

"I desire the things that will destroy me in the end." -Sylvia plath

"Love to be real, it must cost,it must hurt,it must empty us of self" - Mother Teresa 

You asked me where I am. I told you I'm right here.

Here I am.
Waiting, empty, still.
A thousand angers have kept me alive.
I stare at a mirror that reflects nothing.
My eyes dry,
because crying is something that I have perfected without tears.
My whisper is deafening.
You might have heard my pleas,
But you stopped listening long ago.
This is not what I expected or wanted,
But I’m here.
Here, where you led me.
Here, where you left me.
Here, where you lost me.
And I’m more sorry for that then you’ll ever be.
Just let go.
I’ve stopped hanging on.

The Ripple Effect

I've been thinking. A lot. Shocking I'm sure to the 3 of you that read this with anything that could be labeled as consistency. I would also like to say thank you for visiting me in the Belljar. I know, I know, it's been a heavy read as of late, but I go where the words take me, and I'm coming out of it. Apparently it was my "cycle" or so I was told. For a girl I'm pretty shitty at tracking this. I don't know why. Maybe because I reject the idea that anything has control over me. (Notable mention here: I also believe I have cat like speed and reflexes along with innate Ninja skills that make me somewhat of a lethal weapon, with a possible but yet to be completely confirmed side of telekinesis. So yeah. Might want to Watch Out.) Because I pride myself on being self-reliant, capable come what may. Because I have to be ready.. for what comes next. For the next knock down, the next fall, the next emotional carnivorous abyss. I have to be ready to fall in and climb out, on my own; Because If I stay far enough back I’ll see it coming, and I can brace myself. Avoid “serious injury”, but in reality it’s the only kind I know. Always alone, You are responsible for you, I tell myself daily. Love Big but from far enough back that you can take care of them and yourself. Don’t go all in, anchor yourself to the ground. You can’t be their safety and your own. With no anchor you’ll all drown. But when I said it out loud it made me ask myself, “what are you bringing to the table? How much are you offering, and what is the content?”

Life is hard. I will hurt. It is a certainty. Pain is inevitable, I know this. I accept this. But suffering? Suffering is optional. I choose not to allow this into my life. Not by my will or the will of others. Life is full of injustices. They happen in the world all around us, every day. We can choose to rise above it and overcome or lay down and be crushed. There is always a choice. If I choose fear, I’m ruled by it, limited by the walls I’ve constructed. In which case I’ve already surrendered and lost; Lost memories and the opportunity to be loved or have given it. I’m left then only with thoughts of what might of have been, plagued with reels of moments that never were.

Sometimes I stand there, like the actress who forgot her lines, stunned, choked, debating content. Because content IS what matters. Everything, everyone that you rub up against, make contact with, however brief it may be, leaves a part of itself, themselves on you, and you them. So I’ve been re-evaluating, asking myself, what am I bringing to the table? What impact am I having, leaving with them, on them, in them? I don’t want to waste that moment and only give them what I can spare, to stay safe. I can’t live my life afraid of the fall. So I am going to take every opportunity to jump. To lead with my heart, and have faith that I’ll still get up, even when it hurts like a bitch, that what’s broken will mend, that scars too serve a purpose. That they are there to remind us of the cost of love and that anything that is worth loving...is worth everything. I know in my heart that God is with me, that my strength lies in Him, that He will carry me when I can’t walk, that He bares my burdens with me. So I will humble myself and trust, so that I can love freely the way that I was made to.

Take a minute and ask yourself a question, what are you bringing to the table? Make an impact. Leave an impression of love that will last eternally. You may only have the one moment, that one interaction to make a difference. Seeing the result of your actions isn’t important, only the actions themselves are. The love and effort you put out there today can and will change and effect that person, their world, and thereby your world tomorrow. It’s like jumping into a pond. The ripple starts out small but eventually affects the entire body of water. You may only be one person in the grand scheme of things, but you're the one person that has the ability to shape the world around you.

So… are you going to go all in and jump?

------

"A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
Should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades

In my heart, in my soul
I give you control
Consume me from the inside out
Let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out"

- Hillsong

You should have been a Life Guard

You fight to find me.
You turn me inside out and undermine me.
Digging out the feelings trapped inside me.
Breaking all the chains that tried to bind me.

And all I want to do is try to hold you.
To tell you all the things I've never told you.
But fighting with myself, I bleed to keep you.
I do everything I can, not to need you.

Because the fear of being crushed by this is daunting, looming.
Baring witness to a love this pure is all consuming.
That the thought of losing you right now is enough to break me.
But then you say those 3 words, and completely save me...

Then I'm reminded,
That the kindness in your eyes, it's eternal.
And that behind the capable woman is still the fragile girl,
Who's just as scared as me of this brand new world.

Yet you hold my hand, and you don't let go.
You're braver than me, with an innocent soul.
Your smile grabs hold of my heart and won't take no.
You walk forward, and I follow, into thee unknown...

------

"If you could see the way I act when I'm alone
If you could hear my voice crack over the phone
Then you'd know I need you, oh, you'd know I need you
Oh, you'd know I need you to love me"

-Norah Jones

Caught in the Undertow

I don't understand.
When is it over? When does it stop?
I woke up this morning feeling strong. But gradually as I got ready everything just permeated my mind.
Grabbed hold, won't wash away.
Sucked the air out of the room. This horrible heaviness just enveloped me. Swallowed me whole.
I started crying so hard and now I have to fake it yet again, for others, for me.
My eyes pinched and tears just fell from my face. They just kept falling.
They flooded my face, I couldn't breathe.
I don't understand, I can't make it stop.
You asked me if I was ok. You said that I didn't look too good.
I told you that I wasn't feeling well, must be allergies.
I wish.
I wish this would stop. But I keep it so tight, it is ALWAYS there, just below the surface.
I'm standing on a precipice just barely holding back this tide.
Every time someone says hi I feel like I'm going to fall apart. It takes everything I have to keep it here with me.
I want to be stronger than this.
I don't want to feel this.
But I know in my heart that I have to walk through every moment that I'm feeling.
It's just so hard. On my time, it's ok, I'm sort of prepared, at least that's what I tell myself.
But when it ambushes me from out of nowhere, how can I stand?
I've never needed you more, that's how this moment feels.

But you're gone...

I feel so weak. Terrified.
I need a hug. To sit and cry quietly with my head in your lap and a box of Kleenex, while you pet my head and tell me it's going to get better.
For some reason, it gave me comfort when you said it.
I believed it, when you said it.

But we don't talk anymore.

On paper. In silence, seems to be the only way I can talk these days.

The only time I feel real.

I am walking missing poster.

And no one can find me.

------

"I got my head but my head is unraveling
cant keep control can't keep track of where it's traveling
I got my heart but my heart's no good
you're the only one that's understood.

I come along but I don't know where you're taking me
I shouldn't go but you're wrenching dragging shaking me
turn off the sun pull the stars from the sky
the more I give to you the more I die

you make me hard when i'm all soft inside
I see the truth when i'm all stupid-eyed
the arrow goes straight through my heart
without you everything just falls apart

take me with you
without you everything just falls apart
it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces"

-Nine Inch Nails

Basic Math

Life + Love = Live

My Professor reminded me of this fundamental equation & it's importance.

I love how she makes learning both fun and mental.

So ask yourself, are you living? Are you alive or just breathing?

Shhh...

Behind your words,
there are hesitations,
reservations,
stipulations.

So I,
Take it back.
Keep it in.
Don't say a word.

I make it nothing.
Keep it silent.
Remain unheard.

I turn it off.
Look away.
Pretend I'm cured.

Verbally I'm impossible,
invisible,
incapable.

Emotionally I'm incarcerated,
castrated,
isolated.

So I,
bury it beneath,
don't make a sound.

I grind it till it's gone,
and can't be found.

I cover it in fear,
under the ground.

Leaving no place left to go,
but down....

------

"Got a letter from a messenger
I read it when it came
It said that you were wounded
You were bound and chained
You had loved and you were handled
You were poisoned, you were pained
Oh no
Oh no
You were naked, you were shamed

You could almost touch heaven
Right there in front of you
Liberty just slipped away on us
Now there's so much work to do
Oh the door that closes tightly
Is the door than can swing wide
Oh no
Oh no
Not expecting to collide

For a minute I let my guard down
Not afraid to be found out
I completely forgot dear
What our fears were all about
Oh no there's no need to be without

If there's a chance I would take it
This desire I can't kill
Take my heart please don't break it
I will crawl to your foothill

I'm frightened but I'm coming
Please baby please lay still
Oh no
Oh no
I'm not coming for the kill"

- The Tea Party

Things that I've learned.

 I've learned that You can't bring back something once it's gone. You can remember it. Be grateful for it, for the time you had. But that's all. No amount of need, want or love can change or bring back what's gone.

I've learned that people lie to themselves about what's broken and what's gone, because they can't let go. Because broken offers hope that healing will come, and with it redemption. But gone is different. It's definite. It's permanent. And accepting this means accepting loss, and the forever kind of heartache that it brings with it.

I've learned that in this particular scenario it is nearly impossible to recognize when you're lying to yourself because although your heart always knows the difference between a lie and the truth, even when you brain doesn't, it does the unthinkable; As an act of self preservation it partners with denial and lies to your brain too.

That's why some of the smartest people believe the unbelievable. Stay when they should leave..close their eyes and embrace the familiar. Hanging on for dear life, afraid of the fall. Not realizing the crash already happened and that they are just existing, part of the wreckage.

I've learned that i'm not a masochist, i'm just in love and that there really isn't any difference.

I've learned that I know very little compared to what I thought I knew, and that I understand even less.

I've learned all the lyrics to: Baby I'm Amazed. Because I love it.

I've learned that being good at loving someone is life's great accomplishment, and that we should all strive for this daily

They

Walk the way they do,
Smile at all of them.
I'm not breathing yet,
But we'll just pretend.
Tear away the skin,
Close your eyes to me.
I'm the same as you,
But you refuse to see.
Rip open the wound,
Carved in selfish need.
It will heal in time,
But not before it bleeds.
Soak it all up now,
Before there's nothing there.
I'll pretend I'm hurt.
You pretend to care.

More than Words

So you tell me you're shy,
but you say more with one look,
than some people do in a lifetime.

I know you better than you think I do.
The reason being is that I feel what you feel.
When you smile, I smile.
When you cry, I cry.
What hurts you, hurts me.

I can feel when you breathe.
The way that your eyes dance when you laugh,
like that moment is all that you have,
and you don't want to waste it.

I'd wait a lifetime just to see your eyes dance,
to talk without speaking,
and share one of your laughs.
So don't worry love, I'll never leave.
I won't let you fall, I'll be there, you'll see.
When you feel alone I'll stay close behind,
I'll care for your heart, as if it were mine.

Say Hi to her for me, the she that I never see..

We always pursue that of which we are most afraid....

Consciously or subconsciously.

I've thought a lot about these words tonight and analyzed them as they've pertained to my life.
For me it is true.
And now that I know that, now that I understand it and it's relation to me,
I find I am seeing things very differently.
It's strange how things can be so unnoticeably foggy and you think that your vision as you perceive it is fine.
Then in a moment, everything just becomes SO clear and you realize how blurry it was before.
I love epiphanies, especially when they are not fleeting.
I love the ability to think, to really absorb and immerse yourself in thought and idea and the whole simply complicated process of applying it to yourself, like a giant coat of understanding that you try on to see how it fits.
I like seeing and learning new things or i guess technically old things that i never saw or knew about myself before.
I need to know me, to take the TIME to really know me.
Time passes so fast and i get caught up in others, other things and i forget that I'm changing.
that I need to GIVE myself the time to listen to me. To remember what path I'm on and what motivates me.

To remember why...

Why, I'm doing ALL of this...
What I love......what I need... and why.
Where I need to improve for me and for those I care for.
I mean it's true that I've been in a relationship with myself for 34 years and it's the one that gets the back burner, the one that I take for granted.
When in reality it's the one that I NEED to work on.
I devote my time to other relationships in my life that I've been in for far less than half of my life. And there is nothing wrong with that but it would be borderline insane and for sure remiss of me not to make it a priority to cultivate and nurture the primary relationship with myself.
After all I'm the only one who can do that, who can fill that role in my life.

So I'm saying hi to me today, to my heart, to the she that I never see. I'm telling her that I need her, to be whole, and that I'm promising to give her what she needs..

And maybe she'll forgive me.. and let me in.

Reverberations of the heart

Did you ever really let me go?
I'm thinking back and I don't know.
Did I ever let you go?

You're in my mind now,
almost all the time.
I can't hear your voice,
but I can hear you crying.

Something feels so familar about this...

Am I falling for you?
Or just tripping on the lies?
It's impossible to tell,
without opening my eyes.
But I'm scared to.

Nothings real if I keep it to myself,
if I keep it in my head,
if I don't say it out loud.

So here we are again.
A whisper between friends,
and nothing more than that.

------

"But I fear, I have nothing to give,
I have so much to lose,
here in this lonely place,
tangled up in our embrace,
there's nothing I'd like better than to fall.."

-Sarah Mclachlan

Before Dawn

Before dawn I awoke one day. The sky seemed darker than usual, bigger. The stars were fading, so many of them. But the one that remained was clear and bright. It was sharp and brave as though it was not afraid of the light that morning brought with it. ..And that brave star shone through the light all that day and into the descending night.

It occurred to me then that that one star was so much like the close friend that I've found in you. You're strong and brave, and no matter how hard life comes at you, you're still there in the evening, you're still there when I need you...Even before dawn.

------

"I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright"

- Sarah Mclachlin

What? This little number? Oh it's nothing, just a Freudian Slip;)

OK, am I wrong or is there nothing better than really good brain sex? Let me explain. Have you ever met someone that messed with you on every level mentally? They could make you think, make you laugh, more importantly keep you interested, intrigued, challenged? I'm personally thinking along the lines here of witty banter. The back and forth, and creative one ups-man-ship, the innuendo or the ever fun double entendre. Someone who is able to poke fun at themselves and you at the same time without taking it personal. My favorite part is that mischievous gleam in the eye and the sly smile right before the delivery. I do appreciate a good burn even when directed at me. I can take the hit when delivered by a pro, someone whom I have respect for, well then it's practically an honor to be the focus of their attention. Knowing that you are peaking their interest and inciting them to respond to you armed with their best efforts and material. It's a compliment really. Well, to me anyway.

why?

Because I love to push their buttons, to get a reaction, to figure them out. I love the mystery, the challenged, the puzzle. I love to see and understand what makes each and every different person tick in comparison to myself. That being said, there still has to be the initial connection. That spark of commonality on some level. That unspoken "ah ha!!" moment. Or sometimes it's as simple as just the right combination of time, bevies, and boredom.

so right now you're reading this and thinking, "man if you're playing the odds, you must get a fair share of dullards in there." My answer is yes, I've had total duds, and sometimes semi-scary/annoying stalkers (yikes) but on the upside I've found some individuals who have slightly and or significantly impacted and changed me. And all of those experiences shaped me.

but back to the Brain Sex. Simply put, sometimes really good Brain Sex, can be better in a lot of ways than the physical equivalent. Not that the physical isn't phenomenal;) Let's face it though, the body is gonna go for all of us at some point.

Hwy 11 or Hugging the barrel

Here is the sin that I live in,
the sin that's my prision.
I race just to pass by the memories of you that have burned in my mind since that day.
Since that spray...of your blood.
The pain in your face that no time can erase.
And the seconds turn into decades.

That moment frozen in time, haunts me always.
I close my eyes and your here.
You surround me, in all of my fears,
and then your gone.
I'm gone too.. though not like you.

And forever I wait for your words.
The words that you scrawl and you scratch in my brain,
and I feel the pain that you do.
What I put you through!

I can still feel the impact.
I can feel you smash through the glass,
see your face,
hear you scream.
And my dream,
is that one day you'll be able to forgive what I've done.
Because I can't.

And with every breath, I can feel it tear through my chest.
And I cry.
The tears, they climb up from inside.
I cry for you.. and me too.
That night I took both of our lives, because the one that I'm living now is not mine.

It feels heavy in my hand, the gun that is.
But I manage to keep it steady, I know that it's time,
that I'm ready... for this,
Because there's no turning back once the trigger has ssssssnapped...

I guess I expected more. A BANG or a sting or something...

Instead I'm floating in this darkness, that hugs at me, pulls at me.
I graciously embrace it and sink into the silence.
Here there are no faces or screams to haunt my dreams,
here, I am alone. Always.

------

"Memories are just where you laid them
Drag the waters till the depths give up their dead.
What did you expect to find?
Was it something you left behind?
Don't you remember
Anything I said when I said...
Don't fall away,
Leave me to myself."

- Fuel

The Haunting

I've been spending time with your ghost the last few days, all the memories you gave me to keep before you left. Like you knew you were going. It's been a long time, since I gave my time and thoughts to you. I spoke your name for the first time in 14yrs. 14 years since you left. 5113 days. That I couldn't share with you. I have kids now, I'm married. So many things have happened between then and now that knowing you feels like a dream. Like I imagined you. But I know you were real. I can't let myself think about you for long, it's too hard. There is just so much regret. I just keep thinking that if I could have found the right combination of words to string together you would have heard me. You would have listened. But you were so far away and all you could hear was the pain..
I still miss you..


I look you in the eye,
and you're trying hard to smile.
And you're trying not to fall.
And you say that you're alright,
but I'm scared you'll lose it all.
You can't pretend that you don't feel inside.
You push me away because of all your pride.

So, You're looking back at me,
and I'm trying hard to smile.
And I'm trying not to cry.
And I listen for a while,
but you're leaving me behind.
I can't let go of how I feel inside.
I can't hold onto you and watch you die.

Just tell me that you want help.
Or tell me that you'll try,
don't tell me that it's alright,
because I don't believe that lie.

This sickness isn't something that you can control.
I'm losing one of the most amazing friends that I'll ever know.
------

"And when I close my eyes I see you
No matter where I am
I can smell your perfume through these whispering pines
I'm with your ghost again
It's a shame about the weather
I know soon we'll be together
And I can't wait till then"
- Zac Brown Band

Fear

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us, it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson

Reindeer Games

It was something, and nothing more than that.
I yelled a thousand times,
but my head wouldn't listen to what I had to say,
we never did speak the same language..

I surpassed the amount of required smiles,
and they were oblivious to my discontent.
For every laugh I gave, my mind frowned at least twice.
but they were satisfied and I was bored.
Bored enough to play their little game.
To which I always lost graciously and intentionally.

Never upset the herd they say.
So my quiet self mingled through their midst,
all the time waiting for something...
but it was never more than that.

Over and over, again and again.

I replay the words that you said,
and it all turns around in my head.

I remember the way that you looked,
how you cried,
how you shook,
everytime that you tried to breathe.

And now for the first time I see..
that all of your pain has been because of me,
and I freeze.

Maybe if I stand still this will all pass us by.
So I lie to myself once again.
I say sorry and I take your hand,
but you're so cold.

I can see it now in your face,
that nothing I say will replace,
the faith that you once had in me.

And I pray to God that I'm wrong.
But He knows that I don't belong,
anywhere that you would be.

So still I stand and time passes by,
but nothing seems real without you.
And I forget how to feel, without you.
But I know that you were never mine to hold onto.

Mortal Kombat? No, go fish. (or MadGab double meaning)

Sometimes you make it so fucking difficult to talk to you. Why? Why in the world do you have to try and read something more into EVERY word i say? You're so busy looking for "what i'm really saying" that you are completely missing what I am really saying. This isn't some sort of game that I play with you that delights me. Actually if I'm being honest, it pisses me off, it makes me want to give you a stone cold stunner and smash broken glass in your eyes! Would I ever seriously do that? No. Of course not. But I'm trying to convey to you here how much this redundant arguement infuriates me.

You know me. If I have something to say. I say it. When I'm ready, I say it. I chose my words very carefully because I of all people know how tricky they can be. I know how I can say one thing and you can hear something completely different. I know this. I'm careful. So when I say something, for fuck sakes, PLEASE, take it at face value. Don't rip it apart and analyze it until it's unrecognizable and label it as mine.

Because it's not. Not my words, not my feelings, not my thoughts, not what I said.

And by doing that you are changing me in your mind, your version of me, how your heart sees me. And it's not true. It's not me. You make me an unwilling participant by casting me as nothing more than a mirror, and You stand there and argue with the reflection of your own insecurities.

I love you. But you are in serious danger of punch in the mouth, that or a tranq dart, some duct tape and my Kathy Bates Misery impression to hammer some sense into you because you are driving me mental. I can't stand constantly defending and re-explaining my every thought and response to you just to make things "ok" for you.

You are on a cliff here, so step back or fucking jump. Either way I'll hold your hand, just don't ask me to explain it. Me holding your hand means I love you. It means I'm in this with you. It means you are not alone. It means that sometimes.. I'm scared too.

You are my friend. Let me be your friend. I'm on your side. Try to put on those goggles the next time that you are reading into what I'm saying, maybe then you'll see a different story. One that starts with understanding and support and ends in safe acceptance.

Scream

You scream,
and your screams run and hide,
scared they might be heard.
You breathe,
and your breath leaves you,
like everything else has.
You feel,
and you feel too much,
so your feelings pretend to be nothing so that you can forget.
But when everyone's gone,
you remember that you can feel,
your breath seems to find you again,
and your screams come back and crawl into your arms,
and forever you listen to their silence...

How it all ends

Where did the air go?
You took it when you left.
Sucked it all up and walked away.
Now this is how I'll forever stay..
suffacating on the words I couldn't say.

And all the king's horses were gone.
And all the king's men went along.
Here I am lying down all alone,
insides on the outside,
with nothing to hold.

And the web that you've spun has got me all tangled up.
The sweet words from your tongue has got me all tied up.
So upside down and inside out, I hang myself.
And heart turned on and head turned off, I break myself...for you.

And so I'm hanging here waiting,
I am what you've made me.
Your creation for all to see,
a barely breathing masterpiece...
with no one to save me.

She

As night comes swift and silent in it's immensity, it brings with it her, their only warrior.
Her only weapon, an army of smiles, determined to conquer.
Her laughter dances around you like a thousand fairies intent on mischief.
Her gentle demeanor is controlling and captivating.
The smile in her eyes holds you, and for a brief moment, you glimpse the goodness of her soul in it's entirity.
Her kind words are a comfort and encouragement to us all, to strive to be better.
Smiling from your heart is a right, not a privilage.
Realizing that she has won, she slips away once more into the night that protects her.
And there she waits to show herself again.
And now sleep catches her in its strong arms so that she can heal, for she too feels pain,
but she holds it close to her heart and smiles once again.

bad luck or no luck, ummmm yeah, THESE are my options?!

I'm not kidding, these are really my options. Daily. I mean, I've always been "accident prone" so they tell me. "They" being mostly my mother, who, never misses an opportunity to marvel at my majestic klutziness. She says that I really was a spectacle growing up, that if there was something to get tangled in, trip on, bump into, or cut myself on, I'd find it. Usually with my face.

Here's a quick snapshot of my chart at the local Emerge:

1)nail clean through right foot and shoe.
2)stitches above right eye.
3)stitches in left wrist.
4)stitches in right middle finger.
5)stitches on bridge of nose.
6)stitches in back of my head.
7)stitches in gaping hole in my right thigh (where part of a tree used to be)
8)broken right middle finger.(splint)
9)broken left pinkie.(splint)
10)2 broken knuckles on right hand.
11)broken left wrist.(casted)
12)broken right wrist.(casted)
13)broken nose fractured in 3 place, twice.
14)torn ligaments in my right ankle, 3 times. (requiring crutches)
15)torn ligaments in my left knee.(requiring crutches)
16)broken 4 toes on right foot.
17)fell into a hornet's nest and was stung roughly 17 times.
18)was admitted to hospital for concussion received by a bottle to the head.
19)was admitted to hospital for concussion received from smacking my head on a curb.
20)chipped left elbow.
etc..

The events surrounding these injuries range from your everyday picking up flowers for a friend in the hospital to just plain old riding a on a bus. Frankly it doesn't seem to matter what the venue is, I just naturally gravitate towards danger. My friend told me this week if I didn't have bad luck, I'd have none. It's true. I'm a jinx and the Universe is out to get me. I think putting me in daily peril amuses it.

Which brings me to this weeks shining example:

After a long week of sick kids, and projectile mucus vomit in spades, I finally felt like I was coming through it. The kids were down to a mild death cough and I decided to go for a walk. That some fresh, puke free air would be good for me, seeing as I hadn't slept much in 3 nights, and I needed to make it through one more day before falling into a coma. So there I am, walking, SINGING even, when out of no where a black cat scurries speedy fast out of the bushes to my right and runs right across my path. Literally, like a foot in front of me.

"Great." I think to myself, "That's typical, now what?"

and as I hear the words out loud coming out of my mouth, a bird SHITS on my head!!

UNBELIEVABLE. I was told that moving targets are supposedly harder to hit? Apparently not for the flying assassin that targeted me.

I just stop. And stand there. Then you can here me say in a fairly loud voice, "MOTHERF#%KER!!"

"Of Course." I should have known. "Well played." I say out loud, so the Universe can hear me. Because everyone knows it can't read minds, but it can hear just f%@king fine.

And there you have it, a glimpse into my everyday existence. I'll be honest with you though, for the record I'd be totally happy with no luck. No luck seems like good luck to me.

I love to read, and good books are hard to find.

I could tell by the look in your eyes last night, that you saw me.
Really saw me, and you understood.
That comforts me. Knowing that I didn't have to explain.
That without the words my heart still spoke to you, and that you heard it, felt it.
That you found it's whisper deafening.
I've never been told that before, that I'm like a book that you can't put down, that you love to read, and want to immerse yourself in. That you NEED to know more.
It was a powerful statement. Almost as powerful as your eyes searching my face, proclaiming their sincerity, and trying to unmask my emotions.
I should have said something, but.. I couldn't.
I couldn't speak.
Every word seemed inadequate, and they just stayed there, trapped, in my throat.
There were things that I wanted to tell you,
Like how Your thoughts and feelings conveyed moved me.
And I felt a hunger for more..
A need to be known by you.
A desire matched in intensity only by fear.
Fear of being lost, and..being found.
What choice do I have?
I'm lead by my heart and where it goes I will follow obediently...
As it lights my way, even in the darkness.

Welcome Colonel Angus:)

Man oh man where do I start? South I suppose! (ba dum ching!!) I'm about to tackle a touchy and sensitive subject,(Pun intended) so for those of you who are offended, then I'm sorry you are a prude and I advise you at this point to stop reading as you will quickly find yourself feeling uncomfortable. But, then again, you are probably used to that and find it comforting in some strange way. Therefore you must be subconsciously seeking it out, and in that case I am more than happy to provide you with feelings of sexual awkwardness.

Our story begins innocently enough, over drinks with a friend. Topics of interest and humor come and go with every passing minute, some serious, some in jest, things just flowing as they do when women gab. The TV is on in the background and a SNL skit comes on featuring Rachel Dratch and Amy Poehler, both of whom I love. The skit is full of innuendo about Oral Sex. It was hysterical, so I am of course laughing my ass off. When all of a sudden my girlfriend says plainly that she could do without my dear Colonel Angus. She said that all of her experiences with Colonel Angus had been less than exciting and more like an exercise in embarrassment and disappointment, and therefore a total waste of time.

She said that, She didn't "get it" at all. WHAT!!??!

well, "obviously you didn't 'get it' was my response." (tee hee, I'm terrible)
but seriously? I felt really bad for her. I mean she's had boyfriends, serious and other and after all these years, there she is, sitting there, telling me that it not only doesn't interest her, but that the thought of having it performed actually turns her off?! huh?!

Ladies, I don't know about you, but I for one LOVE it and think that it's a wonderful and beautiful thing. (when done right) Mainly because it's one of the few times that I am indulging in a little selfish behaviour, and letting someone else take care of my needs, instead of it being like everything else in my life where I'm taking care of everyone else and taking care of myself;)

That being said, it is a vulnerable act of surrender, and self-confidence in one. Not many things are like this. If it's being offered then I say take the bull by the horns, so to speak and use the opportunity to guide the Colonel in the right direction. Don't just write it off. If you do you are missing out.

So in summary give Colonel Angus a chance to peak your excitement, and don't be afraid to be verbal, we all know from other life experience that they won't ask for directions and most of them speed. Just think of yourself as the real life GPS lady.

We only see two things in another person.
What we want to see, and what they want to show us.

It doesn't matter how close two people think the are, an infinite distance still separates them...

Tonights Musical Dreamscape Encounter

I love being human. being real, just being. The ability and opportunity to tap into the miracle that is life and all the feelings that come with it. New music tonight.

It's all so fiercely beautiful. Surreal, and still, so moving... so all encompassing.

I could let myself drown in this. The music. ... the words.. they course through my veins, bleed from me. Pouring from every facet of my being.

My every pulse, every movement, in tune with my surroundings. The hairs on the nape of my neck acutely aware of the faintest change in the air around me.

It pierces me, cuts through me with every cord. And as crazy as it sounds, after one taste, I am known by it. I am burned pure, exposed, naked.

The intensity of it stirs my emotions and resonates so deeply inside of me, that i'm left poignantly breathless....

It's all so powerful, so completely raw, so vulnerable in every sense of the word. This world, my world, more than any one person could have dreamed alone. But it is my dream.

And i've opened myself up to it, and with that my own awakening.

I am, in this moment, wholly and perfectly mortal and infinite all at once.

how can two completely opposing ideas, be so inextricably fused, sharing the same moment?

I am filled with awe and wonder. tonight has been captured in my mind and these revelations cemented in my heart.

I am overwhelmed with a profound sense of calm.

Like the steadying of a heart that has been barely beating for so long...

What lies beneath..the weight of it all.

What heart could hold the weight of your love?
Its so much more, than I can bear.
I'm falling down, I'm breaking, apart.
And I don't care, I don't care...

These dreams, just words, on which we waiver.
Their meaning, more, than they appear.
Hope's just a wish, that couldn't save her.
I live my fear, I live my fear...

Now moving on, I carry a numbness.
It's just as cold, as deaths embrace.
I'd give it up, let go, completely.
To see your face, to see your face...

Seems that, I'm holding onto memories.
Each one, a step toward my demise.
I tell everyone, that I am okay.
but I lie, I lie...

Your absence, deeper, than an ocean.
And I, am drowning in the tide
My life I'd give, to spend forever
by your side, by your side...

"There is a woman wearing my clothes and my skin and my smell but it isn't me. Sin is like ink, it bleeds into a person, coloring, making you someone other than you used to be. And it's indelible. Try as much as you want, you cannot get yourself back.
Words can't pull me back from the edge, neither can daylight. This isn't something to get over, it is an atmosphere I need to learn to breathe. Grow gills for transgression, take it into my lungs with every gasp.
It's a startling thing. I wonder who this person is, going through the motions of my life. I want to take her hand. And then I want to push her, hard, off a cliff."

- Jodi Picoult

My illusions

"There is an illusion of safety in movement, the half formed idea that the fates cannot find us" - Dean Koontz

It's true. That's why I run. I'm a runner. Anyone who really knows me, knows that to be true. Most of the time physically I run, leave, that moment, that minute, from a bad situation or emotion. But even when I don't do that, I check out emotionally, put up barriers, make bold heart statements, close myself to whatever, whoever hurt me and turn, move onto something else. I know that I do it, and yet I cannot seem to stop myself. why? some would say I don't want to....

I wish I was better, braver, stronger, more...enough.

To cope, handle, go through, survive without shutting off. But there is a feeling of strength in casting it ALL off, a feeling of safety in leaving it behind, not looking back. As long as you don't look back, it can't get you..

But we always look back, don't we?

I do. Eventually.

Sometimes that's harder than the hurt. Realizing those things, people are gone, at least the hurt kept them there with you, present.

Missing is a whole other kind of pain.

Crazy days and runaways no matter what the memories stay, and the illusion of freedom fades on the walk down memory lane.

Covergirl, yeah, not so much

I have a black eye this morning. So any dreams I may have harbored about secretly being a model have been dashed.

That's right, you read me right. And no, it's not my run of the mill looks black bagged out caused i haven't slept black eye. For those of you that are actually concerned about my physical safety, i regret to inform you that i was indeed the victim of a brutal assault, committed by non other than the fruit of my very own loins.

There I was sleeping (I won't say soundly to avoid this becoming a work of fiction)rather craptastically (tossing, turning, the usual) when out of NO WHERE, two tiny but beastly strong little fists of fury come flying into my face!!

ONE! TWO! ONE! TWO! BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM!!!

Straight shots to my ONE eye (no doubt strategic). Over and over again. I tried to grab the little guns, but she was quick about her buisness. Lethally quick. In an effort to preserve my sight I had no choice but to roll off the bed and out of her reach.

So there I am on the floor, taking a minute to get my bearings. Suddenly this little face peeks over the bed, and with an enormous grin across her face, she waves.

YEAH. WAVES.

GTFO I said under my breath. AS IF. clearly this was NO accident. Planned down to the last punch. I did laugh, until I saw my eye.
Now I have to tell people my kid beats me. It's not pretty.

To add insult to injury, she asked me to play peek-a-boo later that afternoon.

OUCH.

Here's a tip

Dear Overly connected to random strangers Waitress at the bar,

less talkie, more pourie.

sincerely,

still sober enough to write this thanks to you.