More than Words

So you tell me you're shy,
but you say more with one look,
than some people do in a lifetime.

I know you better than you think I do.
The reason being is that I feel what you feel.
When you smile, I smile.
When you cry, I cry.
What hurts you, hurts me.

I can feel when you breathe.
The way that your eyes dance when you laugh,
like that moment is all that you have,
and you don't want to waste it.

I'd wait a lifetime just to see your eyes dance,
to talk without speaking,
and share one of your laughs.
So don't worry love, I'll never leave.
I won't let you fall, I'll be there, you'll see.
When you feel alone I'll stay close behind,
I'll care for your heart, as if it were mine.

Say Hi to her for me, the she that I never see..

We always pursue that of which we are most afraid....

Consciously or subconsciously.

I've thought a lot about these words tonight and analyzed them as they've pertained to my life.
For me it is true.
And now that I know that, now that I understand it and it's relation to me,
I find I am seeing things very differently.
It's strange how things can be so unnoticeably foggy and you think that your vision as you perceive it is fine.
Then in a moment, everything just becomes SO clear and you realize how blurry it was before.
I love epiphanies, especially when they are not fleeting.
I love the ability to think, to really absorb and immerse yourself in thought and idea and the whole simply complicated process of applying it to yourself, like a giant coat of understanding that you try on to see how it fits.
I like seeing and learning new things or i guess technically old things that i never saw or knew about myself before.
I need to know me, to take the TIME to really know me.
Time passes so fast and i get caught up in others, other things and i forget that I'm changing.
that I need to GIVE myself the time to listen to me. To remember what path I'm on and what motivates me.

To remember why...

Why, I'm doing ALL of this...
What I love......what I need... and why.
Where I need to improve for me and for those I care for.
I mean it's true that I've been in a relationship with myself for 34 years and it's the one that gets the back burner, the one that I take for granted.
When in reality it's the one that I NEED to work on.
I devote my time to other relationships in my life that I've been in for far less than half of my life. And there is nothing wrong with that but it would be borderline insane and for sure remiss of me not to make it a priority to cultivate and nurture the primary relationship with myself.
After all I'm the only one who can do that, who can fill that role in my life.

So I'm saying hi to me today, to my heart, to the she that I never see. I'm telling her that I need her, to be whole, and that I'm promising to give her what she needs..

And maybe she'll forgive me.. and let me in.

Reverberations of the heart

Did you ever really let me go?
I'm thinking back and I don't know.
Did I ever let you go?

You're in my mind now,
almost all the time.
I can't hear your voice,
but I can hear you crying.

Something feels so familar about this...

Am I falling for you?
Or just tripping on the lies?
It's impossible to tell,
without opening my eyes.
But I'm scared to.

Nothings real if I keep it to myself,
if I keep it in my head,
if I don't say it out loud.

So here we are again.
A whisper between friends,
and nothing more than that.

------

"But I fear, I have nothing to give,
I have so much to lose,
here in this lonely place,
tangled up in our embrace,
there's nothing I'd like better than to fall.."

-Sarah Mclachlan

Before Dawn

Before dawn I awoke one day. The sky seemed darker than usual, bigger. The stars were fading, so many of them. But the one that remained was clear and bright. It was sharp and brave as though it was not afraid of the light that morning brought with it. ..And that brave star shone through the light all that day and into the descending night.

It occurred to me then that that one star was so much like the close friend that I've found in you. You're strong and brave, and no matter how hard life comes at you, you're still there in the evening, you're still there when I need you...Even before dawn.

------

"I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright"

- Sarah Mclachlin

What? This little number? Oh it's nothing, just a Freudian Slip;)

OK, am I wrong or is there nothing better than really good brain sex? Let me explain. Have you ever met someone that messed with you on every level mentally? They could make you think, make you laugh, more importantly keep you interested, intrigued, challenged? I'm personally thinking along the lines here of witty banter. The back and forth, and creative one ups-man-ship, the innuendo or the ever fun double entendre. Someone who is able to poke fun at themselves and you at the same time without taking it personal. My favorite part is that mischievous gleam in the eye and the sly smile right before the delivery. I do appreciate a good burn even when directed at me. I can take the hit when delivered by a pro, someone whom I have respect for, well then it's practically an honor to be the focus of their attention. Knowing that you are peaking their interest and inciting them to respond to you armed with their best efforts and material. It's a compliment really. Well, to me anyway.

why?

Because I love to push their buttons, to get a reaction, to figure them out. I love the mystery, the challenged, the puzzle. I love to see and understand what makes each and every different person tick in comparison to myself. That being said, there still has to be the initial connection. That spark of commonality on some level. That unspoken "ah ha!!" moment. Or sometimes it's as simple as just the right combination of time, bevies, and boredom.

so right now you're reading this and thinking, "man if you're playing the odds, you must get a fair share of dullards in there." My answer is yes, I've had total duds, and sometimes semi-scary/annoying stalkers (yikes) but on the upside I've found some individuals who have slightly and or significantly impacted and changed me. And all of those experiences shaped me.

but back to the Brain Sex. Simply put, sometimes really good Brain Sex, can be better in a lot of ways than the physical equivalent. Not that the physical isn't phenomenal;) Let's face it though, the body is gonna go for all of us at some point.

Hwy 11 or Hugging the barrel

Here is the sin that I live in,
the sin that's my prision.
I race just to pass by the memories of you that have burned in my mind since that day.
Since that spray...of your blood.
The pain in your face that no time can erase.
And the seconds turn into decades.

That moment frozen in time, haunts me always.
I close my eyes and your here.
You surround me, in all of my fears,
and then your gone.
I'm gone too.. though not like you.

And forever I wait for your words.
The words that you scrawl and you scratch in my brain,
and I feel the pain that you do.
What I put you through!

I can still feel the impact.
I can feel you smash through the glass,
see your face,
hear you scream.
And my dream,
is that one day you'll be able to forgive what I've done.
Because I can't.

And with every breath, I can feel it tear through my chest.
And I cry.
The tears, they climb up from inside.
I cry for you.. and me too.
That night I took both of our lives, because the one that I'm living now is not mine.

It feels heavy in my hand, the gun that is.
But I manage to keep it steady, I know that it's time,
that I'm ready... for this,
Because there's no turning back once the trigger has ssssssnapped...

I guess I expected more. A BANG or a sting or something...

Instead I'm floating in this darkness, that hugs at me, pulls at me.
I graciously embrace it and sink into the silence.
Here there are no faces or screams to haunt my dreams,
here, I am alone. Always.

------

"Memories are just where you laid them
Drag the waters till the depths give up their dead.
What did you expect to find?
Was it something you left behind?
Don't you remember
Anything I said when I said...
Don't fall away,
Leave me to myself."

- Fuel