So far I fall like this to forget you...
Willing to lose myself if it means losing you in the process...
A fool I was to believe I was enough,
to believe the words that you drop to keep me...
Eating the lies that you feed me,
believing that you ever loved me...
I'm just a toy to amuse you.
A thing that you cling to when your bored with the rest.
And still, everything about you delights me...ignites me...burns me...scars me.
I can hear you whispering that you'd never harm me
But the marks that you make in me leave me a mess.
And me without you will always be less...
So less is what I'm willing to be, less.. and alone..
Less and free, from everything about you...
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
At the front lines, choices are made, loves are lost and loves are saved.
"Love puts all logic to sleep. Otherwise we wouldn't risk it." - unknown
It is a meditative state. Romance is important, it draws us in, it allows us to get close enough to make a deeper connection and prepares us for the real journey. Love is a bright light in the universe, but a bright light casts a dark shadow... You have to choose where you want to be. You have to remember that people never really belong to each other, no matter what kind of contract they sign or promise they may make. They have to choose each other everyday. They have to make that commitment everyday.
I say this in retrospect, to a conversation that I had recently, and the words that I should have said at the time. The thoughts were there but the words weren't forming. But in truth I say it to my future as well, I hope to keep this at the forefront of my mind, and to make the right choice everyday.
It is a meditative state. Romance is important, it draws us in, it allows us to get close enough to make a deeper connection and prepares us for the real journey. Love is a bright light in the universe, but a bright light casts a dark shadow... You have to choose where you want to be. You have to remember that people never really belong to each other, no matter what kind of contract they sign or promise they may make. They have to choose each other everyday. They have to make that commitment everyday.
I say this in retrospect, to a conversation that I had recently, and the words that I should have said at the time. The thoughts were there but the words weren't forming. But in truth I say it to my future as well, I hope to keep this at the forefront of my mind, and to make the right choice everyday.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
It's not you, it's me. I don't like you.
Someone told me today that I had the perfect face for toques and that they themselves were in fact jealous of my toque wearing skills. Apparently my face is the "perfectly round little cute squishy face" needed to pull off that sophisticated toque look.
Don't get me wrong, I do see that their intention was to compliment me. Which I DO greatly appreciate. That being said, I seem to draw these types of "compliments" quite frequently (no I'm not bragging), actually I'm wondering if it's me, or them. I mean it's like saying to a little person, "hey, you're sooo lucky that you are that short cause you can shop in the Youth/Jr section and save a ton of cash. I wish I was that short." or "hey, that MuuMuu (or Moo Moo) looks fabulous on you!! I wish I had the figure to pull off a MuuMuu the way you do! Gosh, so adorable." Do you see where I'm going here. Compliment …. Sure.. But really??? Yeah. .. . No.
Example number deux: I was at a party once where I was introduced to another woman and her response was to excitedly inform me that I looked,"just like that movie star!! Ohhhhh what's her name again? Um, from silence of the lambs? I say," You mean Jodie Foster." (knowing that we both have blond hair, pale skin and are females) She snaps her fingers and exclaims, "yes!! Yes, Jodie Foster! Exactly. .. Well except just a little chubbier" (yep, and there she stood, smiling, all proud of herself for complimenting me)
Really? REALLY?! I'm pretty sure that I already came to that conclusion when you made the comparison. OBVIOUSLY, you meant that we share a vague likeness, not that we were identical twins separated at birth, because after all Jodie Foster is rail thin and should probably be sponsored monthly by a World Vision type organization to ensure quality medical care and a steady food supply. I on the other hand… AM NOT BLIND. HELLOOO McFLY, I look in the mirror everyday and it has yet to escape my attention that I'm not exactly in danger of starving.
But hey dipshit .. It's a good thing you clarified that whole chubbier distinction out loud, because I was just about to have my name legally changed to Jodie Foster all because of your asinine compliment. Whewww!!!! Close call.
I was SO taken with her compliment that I felt equally as moved to bestow one of my own. "That's soo weird," I say, "you look just like that Super Model!! Ohhhh what is her name?? Uh, yeah, Claudia Schifferrrrrr..'s less attractive cousin."
And smiling.. Smiling…. Silence.
ZINGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And plie and curtsy and moving on to the open bar.
Seriously, I know it was a childish and shallow move on my part, but honestly, I couldn't resist.
I mean, WHO does that????
Whores. Whores do that.
Don't get me wrong, I do see that their intention was to compliment me. Which I DO greatly appreciate. That being said, I seem to draw these types of "compliments" quite frequently (no I'm not bragging), actually I'm wondering if it's me, or them. I mean it's like saying to a little person, "hey, you're sooo lucky that you are that short cause you can shop in the Youth/Jr section and save a ton of cash. I wish I was that short." or "hey, that MuuMuu (or Moo Moo) looks fabulous on you!! I wish I had the figure to pull off a MuuMuu the way you do! Gosh, so adorable." Do you see where I'm going here. Compliment …. Sure.. But really??? Yeah. .. . No.
Example number deux: I was at a party once where I was introduced to another woman and her response was to excitedly inform me that I looked,"just like that movie star!! Ohhhhh what's her name again? Um, from silence of the lambs? I say," You mean Jodie Foster." (knowing that we both have blond hair, pale skin and are females) She snaps her fingers and exclaims, "yes!! Yes, Jodie Foster! Exactly. .. Well except just a little chubbier" (yep, and there she stood, smiling, all proud of herself for complimenting me)
Really? REALLY?! I'm pretty sure that I already came to that conclusion when you made the comparison. OBVIOUSLY, you meant that we share a vague likeness, not that we were identical twins separated at birth, because after all Jodie Foster is rail thin and should probably be sponsored monthly by a World Vision type organization to ensure quality medical care and a steady food supply. I on the other hand… AM NOT BLIND. HELLOOO McFLY, I look in the mirror everyday and it has yet to escape my attention that I'm not exactly in danger of starving.
But hey dipshit .. It's a good thing you clarified that whole chubbier distinction out loud, because I was just about to have my name legally changed to Jodie Foster all because of your asinine compliment. Whewww!!!! Close call.
I was SO taken with her compliment that I felt equally as moved to bestow one of my own. "That's soo weird," I say, "you look just like that Super Model!! Ohhhh what is her name?? Uh, yeah, Claudia Schifferrrrrr..'s less attractive cousin."
And smiling.. Smiling…. Silence.
ZINGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And plie and curtsy and moving on to the open bar.
Seriously, I know it was a childish and shallow move on my part, but honestly, I couldn't resist.
I mean, WHO does that????
Whores. Whores do that.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Where's Eddie Money when you need him?
Wow, feels like it's been a while since I've talked (written) -- straight up, no in between the lines, I wanna talk about it, but not really talk about it poem crap. It feels pretty good.
I've had a rough couple of days, energy wise. (who hasn't? crazy thanksgiving.)
Damn people everywhere. A wedding, which by the way was a very nice time, beautiful bride, beautiful dress, beautiful day, Open bar and best of all a Cupcake cake with cupcakes all around it!! I love cupcakes with a love that should be considered criminal. I'm disturbed what can I say?
I had a wine bath last after that, literally. (Although I will admit the tub is by far the best place to be when spilling wine:)
And that brings me to today…
My head today just won't stop hammering.
Pretty much feels like you could curb stomp me and maybe it would help a little, but I make no promises.
Seeing as the curb stomping is not so much of an option for me, I plan to take prescription and non-prescription meds to cope.
** "thank you Diazepam for making my life livable again!!" **
There is my glowing endorsement to the pharmaceutical industry.
Granted that I may have contributed to my present condition, by aiding in the slight dehydration that my body is currently experiencing but I will not claim all the responsibility. Some of this is the work of other various and fiendish foes that shall remain nameless. Let's just call them Mr. Blue and Mrs. Red. (These names are factually based and not fictitious.) .. (for real).
But I would like to say, this to all the kids out there:
You booze. You lose.
Another would be:
You don't snooze, you also lose.
Let's face it, naps are super important, especially when you have a teething infant that contracts every mutation of the cold virus that could possibly ever come into being. Don't be confused here, I DO mean naps for me, the parent. I don't sleep at night and now, naps are getting seriously rare during the day as well. It's bullshit is what it is. How can I be expected to function on any level?
Ridiculous.
So today, my plan is sleep.
Yep, that is it.
No books, no movies, NO BOOZE, definitely no booze, and no hanky panky (my spouse better be reading this). JUST SLEEP.
Man, just saying it, sounds SOOOOO good:) haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, le sigh.
I've had a rough couple of days, energy wise. (who hasn't? crazy thanksgiving.)
Damn people everywhere. A wedding, which by the way was a very nice time, beautiful bride, beautiful dress, beautiful day, Open bar and best of all a Cupcake cake with cupcakes all around it!! I love cupcakes with a love that should be considered criminal. I'm disturbed what can I say?
I had a wine bath last after that, literally. (Although I will admit the tub is by far the best place to be when spilling wine:)
And that brings me to today…
My head today just won't stop hammering.
Pretty much feels like you could curb stomp me and maybe it would help a little, but I make no promises.
Seeing as the curb stomping is not so much of an option for me, I plan to take prescription and non-prescription meds to cope.
** "thank you Diazepam for making my life livable again!!" **
There is my glowing endorsement to the pharmaceutical industry.
Granted that I may have contributed to my present condition, by aiding in the slight dehydration that my body is currently experiencing but I will not claim all the responsibility. Some of this is the work of other various and fiendish foes that shall remain nameless. Let's just call them Mr. Blue and Mrs. Red. (These names are factually based and not fictitious.) .. (for real).
But I would like to say, this to all the kids out there:
You booze. You lose.
Another would be:
You don't snooze, you also lose.
Let's face it, naps are super important, especially when you have a teething infant that contracts every mutation of the cold virus that could possibly ever come into being. Don't be confused here, I DO mean naps for me, the parent. I don't sleep at night and now, naps are getting seriously rare during the day as well. It's bullshit is what it is. How can I be expected to function on any level?
Ridiculous.
So today, my plan is sleep.
Yep, that is it.
No books, no movies, NO BOOZE, definitely no booze, and no hanky panky (my spouse better be reading this). JUST SLEEP.
Man, just saying it, sounds SOOOOO good:) haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, le sigh.
The Sweet Disease
A look, a lie, and it all takes life.
Tension so palpable
you could cut it with a knife
Talking round in circles,
Faster they seem to fly,
Accusations lead to fire,
Burning out from the inside,
He curses out in rages,
Bleeds what he won't give,
She takes his every anger,
Gives him what he needs to live.
but he's so broken hearted...
so the words they say,
Are nothing more than forgotten.
Tumble aside, against the grain,
Falling hard, she hears the pain, but doesn't feel it.
But he's so sorry, so sorry,
Never again. And again, and again…
A promise from a monster, a shadow round the bend.
Hiding in the actions that words could never mend.
But she believes it, believes it all the same,
She's come to need it, comes to love and crave the pain.
His fire becomes an ember,
And she sees it start to die,
So she stokes it just a little,
Still scared of what's inside.
Seeing this he grins, eyes gleaming.
Knowing regardless she'll end the night screaming.
Ecstasy or misery?
A line too blurred to see...
Tension so palpable
you could cut it with a knife
Talking round in circles,
Faster they seem to fly,
Accusations lead to fire,
Burning out from the inside,
He curses out in rages,
Bleeds what he won't give,
She takes his every anger,
Gives him what he needs to live.
but he's so broken hearted...
so the words they say,
Are nothing more than forgotten.
Tumble aside, against the grain,
Falling hard, she hears the pain, but doesn't feel it.
But he's so sorry, so sorry,
Never again. And again, and again…
A promise from a monster, a shadow round the bend.
Hiding in the actions that words could never mend.
But she believes it, believes it all the same,
She's come to need it, comes to love and crave the pain.
His fire becomes an ember,
And she sees it start to die,
So she stokes it just a little,
Still scared of what's inside.
Seeing this he grins, eyes gleaming.
Knowing regardless she'll end the night screaming.
Ecstasy or misery?
A line too blurred to see...
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Lemony Snickets had it right, it really is a series of unfortunate events that leads to the end of it all, isn't it?
How many times can you hurt something before it doesn't heal anymore? How many times can you beat it before it breaks? Love beaten down eventually becomes something else altogether doesn't it? if i take a bike for example: it was made to function a certain way, yet if i take a hammer to it, to the parts that are integral for it to work, then it no longer resembles a bike, it no longer performs the way it was meant to. I might get the dents out, get it working again, but it will never ride the same. I'm begining to think love is no different. .. .
I think I'll quote the ever deep and angsty Foo on this, because right now, they are speaking my language.
"Best Of You"
I've got another confession to make
I'm your fool
Everyone's got their chains to break
Holdin' you
Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can't choose
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh...
Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh...
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
you die to heal
The hope that starts
the broken hearts
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
I've got another confession my friend
I'm no fool
I'm getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new
Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh...
-- The Foo Fighters
today i make the promise to myself never to forget things that should be remembered..
I think I'll quote the ever deep and angsty Foo on this, because right now, they are speaking my language.
"Best Of You"
I've got another confession to make
I'm your fool
Everyone's got their chains to break
Holdin' you
Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can't choose
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh...
Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh...
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
you die to heal
The hope that starts
the broken hearts
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
I've got another confession my friend
I'm no fool
I'm getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new
Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh...
-- The Foo Fighters
today i make the promise to myself never to forget things that should be remembered..
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