I've been thinking. A lot. Shocking I'm sure to the 3 of you that read this with anything that could be labeled as consistency. I would also like to say thank you for visiting me in the Belljar. I know, I know, it's been a heavy read as of late, but I go where the words take me, and I'm coming out of it. Apparently it was my "cycle" or so I was told. For a girl I'm pretty shitty at tracking this. I don't know why. Maybe because I reject the idea that anything has control over me. (Notable mention here: I also believe I have cat like speed and reflexes along with innate Ninja skills that make me somewhat of a lethal weapon, with a possible but yet to be completely confirmed side of telekinesis. So yeah. Might want to Watch Out.) Because I pride myself on being self-reliant, capable come what may. Because I have to be ready.. for what comes next. For the next knock down, the next fall, the next emotional carnivorous abyss. I have to be ready to fall in and climb out, on my own; Because If I stay far enough back I’ll see it coming, and I can brace myself. Avoid “serious injury”, but in reality it’s the only kind I know. Always alone, You are responsible for you, I tell myself daily. Love Big but from far enough back that you can take care of them and yourself. Don’t go all in, anchor yourself to the ground. You can’t be their safety and your own. With no anchor you’ll all drown. But when I said it out loud it made me ask myself, “what are you bringing to the table? How much are you offering, and what is the content?”
Life is hard. I will hurt. It is a certainty. Pain is inevitable, I know this. I accept this. But suffering? Suffering is optional. I choose not to allow this into my life. Not by my will or the will of others. Life is full of injustices. They happen in the world all around us, every day. We can choose to rise above it and overcome or lay down and be crushed. There is always a choice. If I choose fear, I’m ruled by it, limited by the walls I’ve constructed. In which case I’ve already surrendered and lost; Lost memories and the opportunity to be loved or have given it. I’m left then only with thoughts of what might of have been, plagued with reels of moments that never were.
Sometimes I stand there, like the actress who forgot her lines, stunned, choked, debating content. Because content IS what matters. Everything, everyone that you rub up against, make contact with, however brief it may be, leaves a part of itself, themselves on you, and you them. So I’ve been re-evaluating, asking myself, what am I bringing to the table? What impact am I having, leaving with them, on them, in them? I don’t want to waste that moment and only give them what I can spare, to stay safe. I can’t live my life afraid of the fall. So I am going to take every opportunity to jump. To lead with my heart, and have faith that I’ll still get up, even when it hurts like a bitch, that what’s broken will mend, that scars too serve a purpose. That they are there to remind us of the cost of love and that anything that is worth loving...is worth everything. I know in my heart that God is with me, that my strength lies in Him, that He will carry me when I can’t walk, that He bares my burdens with me. So I will humble myself and trust, so that I can love freely the way that I was made to.
Take a minute and ask yourself a question, what are you bringing to the table? Make an impact. Leave an impression of love that will last eternally. You may only have the one moment, that one interaction to make a difference. Seeing the result of your actions isn’t important, only the actions themselves are. The love and effort you put out there today can and will change and effect that person, their world, and thereby your world tomorrow. It’s like jumping into a pond. The ripple starts out small but eventually affects the entire body of water. You may only be one person in the grand scheme of things, but you're the one person that has the ability to shape the world around you.
So… are you going to go all in and jump?
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"A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
Should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
In my heart, in my soul
I give you control
Consume me from the inside out
Let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out"
- Hillsong
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