Caught in the Undertow

I don't understand.
When is it over? When does it stop?
I woke up this morning feeling strong. But gradually as I got ready everything just permeated my mind.
Grabbed hold, won't wash away.
Sucked the air out of the room. This horrible heaviness just enveloped me. Swallowed me whole.
I started crying so hard and now I have to fake it yet again, for others, for me.
My eyes pinched and tears just fell from my face. They just kept falling.
They flooded my face, I couldn't breathe.
I don't understand, I can't make it stop.
You asked me if I was ok. You said that I didn't look too good.
I told you that I wasn't feeling well, must be allergies.
I wish.
I wish this would stop. But I keep it so tight, it is ALWAYS there, just below the surface.
I'm standing on a precipice just barely holding back this tide.
Every time someone says hi I feel like I'm going to fall apart. It takes everything I have to keep it here with me.
I want to be stronger than this.
I don't want to feel this.
But I know in my heart that I have to walk through every moment that I'm feeling.
It's just so hard. On my time, it's ok, I'm sort of prepared, at least that's what I tell myself.
But when it ambushes me from out of nowhere, how can I stand?
I've never needed you more, that's how this moment feels.

But you're gone...

I feel so weak. Terrified.
I need a hug. To sit and cry quietly with my head in your lap and a box of Kleenex, while you pet my head and tell me it's going to get better.
For some reason, it gave me comfort when you said it.
I believed it, when you said it.

But we don't talk anymore.

On paper. In silence, seems to be the only way I can talk these days.

The only time I feel real.

I am walking missing poster.

And no one can find me.

------

"I got my head but my head is unraveling
cant keep control can't keep track of where it's traveling
I got my heart but my heart's no good
you're the only one that's understood.

I come along but I don't know where you're taking me
I shouldn't go but you're wrenching dragging shaking me
turn off the sun pull the stars from the sky
the more I give to you the more I die

you make me hard when i'm all soft inside
I see the truth when i'm all stupid-eyed
the arrow goes straight through my heart
without you everything just falls apart

take me with you
without you everything just falls apart
it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces"

-Nine Inch Nails