I'm not kidding, these are really my options. Daily. I mean, I've always been "accident prone" so they tell me. "They" being mostly my mother, who, never misses an opportunity to marvel at my majestic klutziness. She says that I really was a spectacle growing up, that if there was something to get tangled in, trip on, bump into, or cut myself on, I'd find it. Usually with my face.
Here's a quick snapshot of my chart at the local Emerge:
1)nail clean through right foot and shoe.
2)stitches above right eye.
3)stitches in left wrist.
4)stitches in right middle finger.
5)stitches on bridge of nose.
6)stitches in back of my head.
7)stitches in gaping hole in my right thigh (where part of a tree used to be)
8)broken right middle finger.(splint)
9)broken left pinkie.(splint)
10)2 broken knuckles on right hand.
11)broken left wrist.(casted)
12)broken right wrist.(casted)
13)broken nose fractured in 3 place, twice.
14)torn ligaments in my right ankle, 3 times. (requiring crutches)
15)torn ligaments in my left knee.(requiring crutches)
16)broken 4 toes on right foot.
17)fell into a hornet's nest and was stung roughly 17 times.
18)was admitted to hospital for concussion received by a bottle to the head.
19)was admitted to hospital for concussion received from smacking my head on a curb.
20)chipped left elbow.
etc..
The events surrounding these injuries range from your everyday picking up flowers for a friend in the hospital to just plain old riding a on a bus. Frankly it doesn't seem to matter what the venue is, I just naturally gravitate towards danger. My friend told me this week if I didn't have bad luck, I'd have none. It's true. I'm a jinx and the Universe is out to get me. I think putting me in daily peril amuses it.
Which brings me to this weeks shining example:
After a long week of sick kids, and projectile mucus vomit in spades, I finally felt like I was coming through it. The kids were down to a mild death cough and I decided to go for a walk. That some fresh, puke free air would be good for me, seeing as I hadn't slept much in 3 nights, and I needed to make it through one more day before falling into a coma. So there I am, walking, SINGING even, when out of no where a black cat scurries speedy fast out of the bushes to my right and runs right across my path. Literally, like a foot in front of me.
"Great." I think to myself, "That's typical, now what?"
and as I hear the words out loud coming out of my mouth, a bird SHITS on my head!!
UNBELIEVABLE. I was told that moving targets are supposedly harder to hit? Apparently not for the flying assassin that targeted me.
I just stop. And stand there. Then you can here me say in a fairly loud voice, "MOTHERF#%KER!!"
"Of Course." I should have known. "Well played." I say out loud, so the Universe can hear me. Because everyone knows it can't read minds, but it can hear just f%@king fine.
And there you have it, a glimpse into my everyday existence. I'll be honest with you though, for the record I'd be totally happy with no luck. No luck seems like good luck to me.
No comments:
Post a Comment