The Emotional Cripple Speaks

*The Fear Within*

It feels like I'm falling all over again.
None of these truths make sense in my head.
Except that my heart is anxious and scared,
To the point where I can feel it turning to lead.
I'm fighting,
I'm trying as hard as I can to keep it together.
Alive and entwined and together.
Present and real and together.
Fused with that part of myself,
That part of me that I found somewhere else,
That part of me that I long to be with,
That part of me that's a beautiful gift.
That part of me that grants me my freedom,
But it's that same part of me,
that terrifies me beyond reason.
I'm reverting.
I'm alone, and I'm turning..
Everything off..
Cause I can't stop the hurting..
Alone I makes sense.
Alone with my friends,
Regret and resentment.
Self-loathing prevents me,
From getting too deep, too connected.
If I let me go there, I become self-dissected.
Pulled apart from the inside,
And left there to die.
While that part of me keeps looking,
for what she can't find,
A better, braver me.. another of our kind.
In the end, I'll get what I wished for,
An empty heart for my emotional whore,
to sleep with at night and then beg for more.
Fearful, abandoned, alone at the core..

------

"Deliver me, out of my sadness
Deliver me, from all of the madness
Deliver me, courage to guide me
Deliver me, strength from inside me

All of my life I've been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like you
Now that you're here, now that I've found you
I know that you're the one to pull me through"

- Sarah Brightman

So normally I post a poem and that is that, but in this particular case I can't allow that to be all that is said. Why? Good question. I've never gone through my writing process with you all, but if it's ok, I will quickly "coles notes" it for you. I've been told before that I am very sensitive. That I just feel things very deeply and am affected by things on more than just a surface level. It's true, I don't deny it, I feel things intensely, very intensely. The problem is that I'm not an outwardly reactive or talkative person with my emotions but inwardly... well that's another matter completely. If something happens, if I'm angry, hurt, frustrated or disappointed, or for that matter, over the moon in love, joyful, excited or mesmerized, I immediately react, inside I'm a crazy happy or hurt mess, so I write. It's instinctual, I feel compelled, moved, driven whatever name you want to give it. But I have no choice in the matter. It is how I vent, and process my thoughts and emotions. And as intense as the feelings in some of my posts may seem, they are gone in a moment (well some), think of them as a scream... just on paper. I feel released, exerted then exhausted, and better.

Letting these things live outside of me allows me to move through and past them. And I need that.

In regards to this particular piece, I want to say outloud and so there is no mistaking me. I'm not afraid of that part of me that is more than. More than I expected, more than I could ask for and more than I deserve...

Everything I want is on the other side of fear, and I am there, on the other side as well. I will not and never would allow fear to have that kind of power in my life, to rob me of all the good things. All the BEST things. So I LOVE all of the Best things, with everything in me, with everything I have, despite my momentary fears. So I'll keep letting go of those fears when they come, cause they will from time to time.

I'm all about loving that part of me that is more than..I'm all in.