Today i had a happy accident of sorts. i saw myself in the mirror today, actually saw me. At first i thought that the mirror was broken but then i realized it was me that was. Usually i'm so busy with life that i walk right past me, but today was one of those rare occasions when i stopped to stare. i paused for what felt like an eternity. without sounding too cliche it was like seeing myself for the first time in years. So I thought to myself, "wow. if i don't even take the time to see me, to acknowledge me, how can i ever expect anyone else to?"
i think that i took that to heart. i had that epiphany moment. that moment of absolute clarity, the topographical life perspective. the one where you leave the conversation that you just had with yourself feeling strong, powerful, new, energized, hopeful, positive and dare i say it.. . happy? So there i was, on course, focused, ready to take on the day. . the world.
(and cue mayday's and sounds of screaming passengers)
really i should know better, it's not the first time that i've had these moments, these talks, this renewed perspective. and every time, it just slips away. why the fuck is that?? i mean it's not like i don't make the effort to retain it, it's not like i don't hold onto it for dear life, so how the hell does it continue to elude me?
the truth is that i feel it leave, it's that gradual piece by piece, but quick. like i'm watching it in slow motion, but really it's happening within the time span of a few hours, or days if i'm really lucky. it's like i'm this figurative pile of leaves, and each leaf is something, like one is happiness, one is patience, one is compassion, one is, well you get the picture. So there i am and the "wind" (my day/the people in it/circumstance/the universe in it's divine pleasure to toy with me) picks up, and with each little gust and each step i take another leaf blows away. They all start to fall away and before i know it, i'm madly scrambling to get them back, and the harder i try, the further they fly, and the more frustrated i get.
and BANG! just like that it's gone. so when i do see myself like i did today in the mirror, it's a pleasant surprise, unexpected and exciting. A happy accident that i'm grateful for because it allows me yet another opportunity to succeed, or to fail, but regardless i learn something either way.
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