The Darkness and The Light

There is a light inside my chest.
It tears its way out, from behind my breast.
It twists and turns and manifests,
In ways I would have never guessed.

It climbs and spreads and finds its prey.
Keeping darkness in it's place, it permeates as it invades.
And soon that's all that's in this space,
This light, this love, I can't convey.

And so it shapes me, carves me, molds me.
And in the stillness quietly holds me.
Still reality breaks me, scolds me,
For hanging on to a love so lonely.

But this light, this love, it warms me.
From the inside, it changes me, calms me.
It knows me, and I am complete within it.
And that alone... is worth every lonely minute.

Smile

I want to thank a friend today, for reminding me of this song, and for reminding me that there is always them to call, and that they will be there tomorrow, just like they were there today. thank you for being my constant and gentle hug and kick in the pants.


"Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile"

-Nat King Cole

A new me, a new dream...let everything old pass away

They say that the inability to accept loss is a form insanity. If that's the case then I would say that I've been semi-insane for the last 9 years, give or take. But I've finally woken up, finally stopped lying to myself about what I want to be true and what IS true. I've realized the difference between words, as beautiful and moving as they are, and action. Words can mean so much, can create feelings, hopes, beliefs. Everything can be built on them. That is where the danger lies. Words with no action behind them, are empty. They can't sustain a heart. They may bring it to extrodinary heights, but they can't hold it there. Eventually it will awake, and find itself lying on the ground, never really having left. Just believing it had.

And now looking back, eventhough I never really had that thing that I love so dearly in the first place, that realization alone is an enormous loss for me. It explains why I was never able to accept it. No heart can dream forever, everyone has to wake up sometime.

They say that the inability to accept loss is a form of insanity, but sometimes it's the only way to stay alive. Physically, the human body is designed to compensate for loss, it adapts, hopefully that same principle extends to the human heart.

Perception and reality

"The collective cultural trance prevents us from seeing our divinity. We are like flies crossing the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. We cannot see what angels and gods lie underneath the thresholds of our perceptions. We do not live in reality."

~ W.Thompson



What is it that you see? Do you look past what's presented? What's right in front of you? Or is that more than you can bear? Are you scared of what you'll see, because when you look behind the curtain, it may require, action, commitment, effort, or change? What are you willing to give? to invest? In yourself, in someone else, in a belief? Make this life count. Realize the miracle that it is, that you've been allowed to experience and participate in something amazing. Open your eyes and BE thankful for it all. The pleasure and the pain. The reality is that there is beauty and strength in it all, if you are willing to perceive it..

The Fall

Every day I wake, and give you away, and lose you again... and again.
Every day I'm left, with your ghost by my side, dancing like leaves in the wind.
Never knowing that this was their end.

I'm a lady and as such...

I reserve the right to change my mind.

After talking with a dear friend of mine, i came to the conclusion that maybe this blog isn't just cathartic and healing for me...hmmmm. weird concept, but one that i can buy into thanks largely due to my penchant for flattery.

Therefore i vow to keep writing and posting, periodically at the very least.

not sure how entertaining it'll be, i'm leading an uneventful life these days now that i'm officially an unemployed wafe (short for wafer for those of you who aren't up with the hip lingo;)

but cross your fingers and we'll see where this ride takes us.

Sincerely,
Lady Day

I guess this is good-bye.

It seems the time has come for me to close this chapter in my life and begin the next. Everything has it's purpose, it's time and it's season, and it's been a needed and worthwhile experience for me. Thank you to the 9 of you that frequent my page and share your time with me. You gave my voice a place to be heard, my thoughts listened to (figuratively speaking) when i needed it.

I'll leave the page running for another week and then the Day trip is over.

L

Nursing Math

Apparently totally different from regular math. Or so i'm told. My brothers girlfriend is so cute. She says the funniest things so completely unintentionally, so naturally, without realizing that it's even humorous most of the time.

it's great!

needed, and welcomed and LOVED!

So today she was talking about how she has to pass this nursing math course before she's accepted into nursing program in Brandon. Then she sighs and says, "like i have to get 95% to pass....(wait for it.. here it comes)...Out of 100!"

Seriously.

My brother just looks over at her then at me and scrunches up his face all weird and says,"Uh yeah, obviously." and we both die laughing.

Well right aways she tries to cover by saying,"No guys, i meant out of 100 questions. Really!" She giggled and pleaded but it was too late. We were long gone already, rolling around, holding our guts. It was a spectacle. A wondrous and totally hardy laugh fest.

perfect.

I love how much the moments she brings brightens my day.

hopefully, my bro secures this one causes she is most definitely a keeper;)

Alone

"Never be dependent on anyone in this world, because even your own shadow leaves you in the darkness.."

this heart is closed

...for repairs.

Someone asked me today why I didn't "seem like myself" why I was,"distant, and didn't seem connected, engaged?"

My answer was simple,"I can't.. connect. It's broken in me."

And a big part of me hopes it stays that way. I am trying to fix it, but that is going to take time and focus. I'm trying to not be afraid to use it again.

..Hopefully my heart will feel the same..


right now i believe a quote from the Script would be appropriate:



"What am i supposed to do when the best part of me was always you...

....I'm falling to pieces."

Koontz Clips: words that remind me the road is long and hard, but possible.

"Pain can be endured and defeated only if it is embraced. Denied or feared, it grows in perception if not in reality...
....Pain is a gift. Humanity without pain, would know neither fear nor pity. Without fear, there could be no humility, and everyman would be a monster. The recognition of pain and fear in others gives rise in us to pity, and in our pity is our humanity, our redemption." - Dean Koontz


"Sometimes the heart makes decisions the mind cannot, and although we know that the heart is deceitful above all things, we also know that at rare moments of stress and profound loss it can be purged pure by suffering." - Dean Koontz

Restore me

You bring Restoration.
Bring Restoration.
Bring Restoration to my soul.

You take my mourning
and turn it into dancing
You take my sadness
and turn it into joy
You take my weeping
and turn it into laughter

Thank you God for allowing me to hurt, it draws me closer to You.
Thank you God for you never give me more than I can bear.
Thank you God for lifting me, and carrying me when I can no longer stand.
For Your unfailing and constant love, and boundless mercy.
For teaching me humility so that I may be humble before you.
For without You I am nothing. I am, only because You have made it so.
And I belong to You.
Your grace is sufficient.

Please help me to remember that always, and in all circumstances.
You Lord are good ALL the time.
All of my life, in Every season, You are still God and I have a reason to sing.
I have a reason to worship.

Stay with me now. This is my prayer Lord, that I will abide in You.
That I will turn to You, instead of turning inward.
My hearts desire is to submit to You in all things, I long to hear Your voice.

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades. Nothing compares to the greatness of loving You Lord. Please help me to hold onto that.

Old connections: still as electrifying and illuminating as ever.

Recently I got together with an old friend and I had that moment again. That moment of real connection. Deep friendship and mutual respect.
The moment you get lost in, the one that sweeps you up and you're full in it before you are even close to realizing that it's got you, whether you want it to or not. This is not one of life's trivial moments but one so subtly powerful in weakness that it demands unspoken acknowledgment of both people.
It's amazing to be capable of leaving imprints of ourselves on another human with only the exchange of words, and impact them, change them. It's remarkable really when you think about it.
Looking at someone familiar and them still being new to you. Fun. Intriguing. Understanding. Strong. Weak. That kind of personality that can remain dormant until exactly the right moment and then, there it is, the sparkle.

So the other night I was drawn in by the sparkle and I've been shinning ever since. Inspired
That sparkle, that perspective, encouragement, vulnerability in shared words, thoughts and expressed feelings. All of it had me tied up and completely captivated by the strength and weakness shared.
It took me smiling for 2 days after to fully grasp how having that connection can transfer so many hopeful happy thoughts and what a gift that time is. How rare it is. Quality time.
It's definitely quality that counts.
How that connection is always an open invitation to be your best. To Give your best.
Brave honest vulnerability is a pre-requisite with me.
Along with a sense of humor about yourself.
Anything less you need not apply.

I'll be spending my time with the sparklers.

sleep sickness

I just woke up.
From some kind of dream. It was beautiful, but true only to me.
A delusion.
And this.
This is a nightmare.
To realize everything you thought you shared with someone, only existed for you.
And worse yet that they knew, and played along.
Because it made them feel less lonely.
Less a liar.

Shock. That is what this is.
I never really got that before. Never understood how it affected someone. Paralyzed them.
You get hit it the chest and then, there is just nothing.
Nothing more than the subtle awareness that breathing is now a choice, not automatic.
Remember to breathe.
In and out.
In and out.
And repeat.

Thoughts are crashing into one another, memories.
Memories of a love held together by lies.
And they are holding on so tight in an effort to make some sort of sense.
Until they see what was lost, the trust that once held them as one.
Has been pulled out from beneath them and now they have nothing left to hold.
So they fall, and are lost in a sea of confusion.

I'm left clutching at my heart where a dull ache starts to appear.
I'm left trying to rip my gaze away from the blank wall that I stare at for answers, for comfort, for help and focus on something else.
Something that can help me adjust to this new and foreign place.
A place where words are weapons to deceive, to conquer and capture a heart too naive.
A place where your heart is trophy to hold, when they are lonely and cold, and to abandon at the warm glance of another.
So they can feel good. But they're not…good.
I close my eyes and try desperately to believe what I once did….
To find that beautiful dream again and stay.
But I can't sleep anymore.

The Fire

I can feel it swell,
Deep within me,
And it hurts like hell.
But it feels so right to me.
I look in your eyes, and I see..
Confirmation…
Transformation…
Loving you, it moves me,
Changes me, tears right through me.
It makes me choose fantasy.
Forgetting all reality.
In my mind, it's only you I see.
My stomach turns with anticipation..
Of tasting your lips again,
the soft warmth of your mouth,
The heat of your breath on my skin.
Feeling you arch against me,
Filling every part of me,
with need and intensity.
And you've got me falling for you...again.
You've got me giving you...all that I am.
Drawn by passion and pain,
knowing that none of it's real.
I'm a willing moth to your flame,
burning myself just to feel.

return of the slacker!

Balls, I suck!! Not literally, those things are hideous and I try to stay the hell away from them for the most part. Usually I'm successful except for those drunken mishaps and of course valentines with the lights off. It's not the penis, that I'm TOTALLY fine with. But the balls? That's a no go. What is up with them anyway? They just hang there. weird. unattractive. I just don't "get" them.

But I digress. I was referring to the fact that I haven't posted anything for over a month. I've been slacking up a storm on that front. My apologies to the 2 of you who actually read this with any kind of regularity. In my defence I have been busy. I have 2 kids under the age of six, and I'm knee deep in season 5 of Angel, so those are biggies right there on the priorities list. With all that going on something had to take a backseat, and apparently I decided that healthy self expression and introspection were the first to go. Not my smartest decision, not my dumbest either.

However processing feelings and thoughts in your head is SO not the same as seeing/reading/analyzing them on paper. For me it makes everything clearer. Helps me understand myself, motives, needs, feelings SO much better. Plus, it is a total release. It feels like I let it go, like I allow it to be shared, even if sometimes I'm only sharing it with me. It gives "grown up sane me" a chance to process everything, instead of "crazy emotional me" making spontaneous self preserving decisions without consulting reality.

So in summary it's really good to be back. Summer will be busy but I will make an extra special effort to tend to my mental needs and write.

why doesn't God just hand out maps?

Seriously? I NEED a map. I mean I know that He has a plan for me, and that He works in all things for His good purposes? That He's started a good work in me and will continue it until the day that I am with Him in heaven.

And all of that makes me happy, makes me smile, gives me hope. it does.

But sometimes I just wish that He'd mail me instructions or a map just for parts of it. Sometimes I feel like He just gives me too much credit with the whole,"listen for my voice", watch for signs, kind of things. I'm actually not always the super genius that I appear to be. And anyone who knows me knows that often I get VERY distracted and miss things.

That was/is the whole purpose for my fasting.(yes, i'm still working on that)
I'm still working on a lot of things about me. I've realized that almost every decision in my life is a choice that I have to re-make, and concentrate on every morning when I get up. This is a whole new concept to me, because I was under the delusion that once I made a decision that that was how the reality for that situation was from that point on. But as it turns out, you need have "action follow through" meaning that everyday in order for that decision to exist in reality you have to choose to ACT in a way that backs up that decision and makes it exist in reality EVERYDAY.

Crazy.

That's when I say where's my map? I need some direction career wise, future wise, don't we all? but I really do. I feel it inside me. My BFF once told me that I'm a passionate person (she said that because I don't like it when she calls me dramatic...patoow ) but I am passionate about a lot of things, and that side of me really feels like there is something HUGE that I'm missing when it comes to my career/future. I want to do something of worth and real value. With all the listening that I've been doing lately this seems to be the only vague thing that my heart is hearing. I know God whispers but sometimes I wish that He'd just stand in front of me with a sandwich board and point and yell like the Ceasar's pizza kid on the corner.

If you're my mom you'd tell me that He's teaching me patience. I know. I know.

So for now I will continue to quiet myself and listen. Be still and wait.

Any girl scout will tell you, when you are lost and directionless in the woods, don't walk anywhere, just sit tight in one spot and someone will find you.

So, here I sit. Waiting for directions.

Underneath it all

I was surprised yesterday by someone. Someone who, I am not too ashamed to say, I misjudged. First impressions are crazy. Well in fairness to me, it wasn't just the first impression, I've had several interactions with this individual and had "given them the benefit of the doubt" and "extended the hand" etc etc. And still it appeared that after all that, they were, to be frank, just bitchy.

However, yesterday I had yet another opportunity to delve. So I made the decision, against my better judgment, to wade into icy waters so to speak, and attempt yet again to relate.
To find common ground.

To my astonishment, it worked. It REALLY worked. No I'm not naive and have taken into consideration that this person my have been trying to play me, but seeing as I armed myself with these warnings going in, I feel that I was ready.

More importantly I went in with a genuine desire to know more, to discover on some level who this person was and what was important to them. And I really truly feel that they responded to that honesty and finally opened up and let their guard down, responding with genuine vulnerability themselves.

It's strange, placing yourself in unfamiliar territory, taking a leap of faith by putting yourself out there to see what depths people are capable of.

It was awkward, scary and kind of raw for me, definitely humbling. But I can't grow if I don't venture out of my comfort zone and seize the opportunity to be real, to expose myself, admit weakness, and need. To move past insecurities by facing them head on, not just by being an adult, but by acting like one.
I think that I've been afraid for a long time to let myself really need anyone. That admitting that at times I really do need help, and that as capable as I am, I will always need help, is extremely difficult for me.

I have no problem saying it to the loved ones in my life, but saying it, and actually allowing them to be that for me is very different. My fear is that the moment I let myself depend on someone else … fully, completely, that that will be the moment that breaks me. That will be the moment that they abandon me. (yes, I said it, abandonment issues from a 30+ yr old.) They are not new to me, I've had them forever it feels like, and I know the exact moment that triggered them. That moment has impacted an immense amount of my life. The decisions I've made, and limitations that I've placed on all my relationships because of it. It has shaped me and defines, in large part, who I am today. I'm aware of the conscious choices that I have made, who I've chosen to be. Most days I am more than fine with it, but some days I do wonder what it would be like to meet that other version of myself. The version of me who chose weakness, the one who wasn't afraid of what needing someone might do to them. The one who had never felt love's amazing power only to witness it's crushing destruction, or feel the hollow ache it left behind as a constant reminder. A reminder that just echoes in silence. Once you've been there, the option of choosing seems less a choice and more a mandate for survival. But I bet that version of me would've been something unstoppable, something inspiring, for lack of fear.

In the end I think that it all comes down to perception, and willingness. How willing are you to perceive the good? I want to be willing, but then again, I want a lot of things.

Here's hoping. That at least I still have. Out of hope comes life and the will to move forward.

And therefore, chances to change the future and let go of the past.

To allow opportunity to change my perceptions and alter myself and relationships in the process.

Everyday I pray for new eyes, so that my heart may see the good.

Yesterday was a good day.

Dear Sir...or... Madam? whatever, shave your face, don't get all pissy with me because you can't pick up a bic

Today's top story: Local Woman escapes with her life, authorites search for "Wolverine" attacker.

I walk into Shoppers (bun dump ching! I know it's a joke in itself, F'n SDM.) Anyways I walk into Shoppers to pick up some milk on my way home from work. Now I know you are all familiar with my feelings towards SDM and are wondering to yourselves,"After all the shit they've put you through, why did you even go in? Are you a masochist or something?"

My answer is simply this, "No, I am NOT. I'm just Lazy, and their the closest to home. 'Lazy' me trumps 'Firey indignation' me every time."

So there I am in the dairy section, minding my business, looking for the 2% milk, which I can't quite see as there is a large man blocking my view. Being the extremely polite person that I was raised to be, of course I say,"Excuse me sir, can I please squeeze past you, I just need to grab a jug of milk?"

well, the mister turned out to be none other than a sister.

yep.

then she says in a low growl, "I think you mean Ma'am."

Really? Cause at this point I don't know what to think. Except, that I'm not a geneticist but based on your beard I'd say there's a good chance you're pack'n a pair of balls too.

Literally, it was ZZ Tops 4th member, no joke. (although I am giggling thinking about it)

The worst part was that I was thinking in my head but not talking with my mouth. So this has now become me in a stare down, with what could only be described as a Sasquatch in a stolen "Women's"(allegedly) parka, next to the 50% off sour cream. (Which by the way was not nearly as sour as the piss face I was getting from Fuzzywuzzy.)

Now I'm not a total jerk, I realize how much it must suck to grow hair on your face. And at first I did feel really bad for my mistake, although I would challenge any of you to tell the difference cause this was definitely one for the judges, but after our initial brief exchange, he/she grabs the last jug of 2% milk and says to me, "Where you looking for this? uh oh, looks like their out. Sorrrrrry."

I shit you not. And her, "Sorrrrrry" was all long-nasally sarcastic. And when they say it like that, you know they don't mean it.

I tell you, it's just lucky that it convinced me that there was a 50% chance it was a female or I would have kicked it in it's hairy balls. I didn't because I'm a lady and I don't hit girls. (Whores are another story, I will smack a whore full in mouth if she's sass'n me. No manners, those chicks. I'm kidding, I'd never smack a whore, the germs alone might kill me. It's just dangerous.)

Honestly, I was tempted to take it's license plate and call animal control, instead I settled for grabbing a handful of razors bags and stealthy placing them in it's basket before I busted out of there in a blaze of glory.

Small victory, but I'll take it.

I dreamt of you today

I had a dream and you were in it. You were crying. I asked what was wrong,
and you lied. I could tell by the look in your eyes. They speak the truth even when you don't. In that instant my heart dropped, and I felt that same familiar sinking feeling in the pit of me, one that I haven't felt for years where you're concerned. I can feel it even now, when I'm awake, and it still feels real.

but I need you to know something. Even though this was a dream, I can feel the truth in it. You're keeping something from me, and it's hurting you. I want you to know, that I forgive you.

I forgive you for feeling embarrassed to show weakness, even to me.
I forgive you for not confiding in me because I'm the voice that will tell you, out loud, all the reasons why it's wrong, and you aren't ready to hear that.
I forgive you for not trusting me and thinking that I'll judge you.
I forgive you for being ashamed to admit that you're scared. Scared to admit that you don't always have the answers, and that you aren't sure of your decisions. Scared to admit that maybe you're not perfect, even though I know everything about you, flaws and all, and still you're perfect for me.
I forgive for you for not loving yourself enough, enough to believe in the goodness that is in you. You ARE good.

but none of that matters, me forgiving you isn't what's important. For you to really move past any of this and move forward you need to forgive yourself. That is something I can't do for you.

I am here, and will be, whenever you need me.
More importantly I love you, unconditionally.

I had a dream, and you were in it, and you were crying, and I heard you, and I saw your pain, and I'm here, and I just wanted you to know.

Taking a step in humility and trust never seems easy....even if it's only a baby step.

So January is the month of Prayer and Fasting. Of submitting to God and humbling yourself to trust in Him, relying on Him for your needs. Giving Him the opportunity to come through for you, to draw near to Him. And I'm going to do this. I'm committing to this challenge and allowing God to work not only in my life, but more importantly in me.

I think that this will be incredibly difficult for the following reasons:

1) I'm used to relying on myself, I forget to let Him in, ALL the time.
2) I'm easily tempted by food, and easily distracted by about a million other things….willingly.
3) I'm scared to let go of the familiar, of the things that comfort me.
4) It's hard for me to trust, to take a leap and hand everything over. Worrying is in my blood. It's a disease, I know this. Part of me lives for the stress.
5) It's hard to examine your life, and yourself honestly. Realizing, and acknowledging areas you need to grow in and habits that you need to change is one thing. But actually acting on those realizations and committing to change is completely different.
6) I'm not so great at being a grown up. I can fake it, but on the inside, a lot of the time, I feel like a kid who is so not ready to take care of herself, never mind others.

Note: this isn't just a fasting from food thing, it's can be any kind of fast. Fasting from anything that you turn to in order to feel better and cope instead of God.
Some notable mentions for me are: TV, MOVIES, downloading music, even that word mole game, work.

But I know that I need to realign myself with God. In order to ever find out His purpose for me I'm actually going to have to let Him in. I'm going to have to nurture that relationship if I ever expect it to grow. And make no mistake, I do want it to grow. I want to grow, in love, in peace, in patience, kindness, joyfulness,in understanding. I want to be fruitful. I want to be better than the girl who never sought more than her self. Because in my heart of hearts I know that there is more than this life. That He is all that I need, His grace is sufficient and His love endures forever.

So in the wake of all of this thought, I have decided to participate wholeheartedly this month and open my eyes , and listen with my ears in hopes that maybe, just maybe I'll hear His voice, and see His plan for me.

I'll keep you posted on how it goes.