sleep sickness

I just woke up.
From some kind of dream. It was beautiful, but true only to me.
A delusion.
And this.
This is a nightmare.
To realize everything you thought you shared with someone, only existed for you.
And worse yet that they knew, and played along.
Because it made them feel less lonely.
Less a liar.

Shock. That is what this is.
I never really got that before. Never understood how it affected someone. Paralyzed them.
You get hit it the chest and then, there is just nothing.
Nothing more than the subtle awareness that breathing is now a choice, not automatic.
Remember to breathe.
In and out.
In and out.
And repeat.

Thoughts are crashing into one another, memories.
Memories of a love held together by lies.
And they are holding on so tight in an effort to make some sort of sense.
Until they see what was lost, the trust that once held them as one.
Has been pulled out from beneath them and now they have nothing left to hold.
So they fall, and are lost in a sea of confusion.

I'm left clutching at my heart where a dull ache starts to appear.
I'm left trying to rip my gaze away from the blank wall that I stare at for answers, for comfort, for help and focus on something else.
Something that can help me adjust to this new and foreign place.
A place where words are weapons to deceive, to conquer and capture a heart too naive.
A place where your heart is trophy to hold, when they are lonely and cold, and to abandon at the warm glance of another.
So they can feel good. But they're not…good.
I close my eyes and try desperately to believe what I once did….
To find that beautiful dream again and stay.
But I can't sleep anymore.