The Haunting

I've been spending time with your ghost the last few days, all the memories you gave me to keep before you left. Like you knew you were going. It's been a long time, since I gave my time and thoughts to you. I spoke your name for the first time in 14yrs. 14 years since you left. 5113 days. That I couldn't share with you. I have kids now, I'm married. So many things have happened between then and now that knowing you feels like a dream. Like I imagined you. But I know you were real. I can't let myself think about you for long, it's too hard. There is just so much regret. I just keep thinking that if I could have found the right combination of words to string together you would have heard me. You would have listened. But you were so far away and all you could hear was the pain..
I still miss you..


I look you in the eye,
and you're trying hard to smile.
And you're trying not to fall.
And you say that you're alright,
but I'm scared you'll lose it all.
You can't pretend that you don't feel inside.
You push me away because of all your pride.

So, You're looking back at me,
and I'm trying hard to smile.
And I'm trying not to cry.
And I listen for a while,
but you're leaving me behind.
I can't let go of how I feel inside.
I can't hold onto you and watch you die.

Just tell me that you want help.
Or tell me that you'll try,
don't tell me that it's alright,
because I don't believe that lie.

This sickness isn't something that you can control.
I'm losing one of the most amazing friends that I'll ever know.
------

"And when I close my eyes I see you
No matter where I am
I can smell your perfume through these whispering pines
I'm with your ghost again
It's a shame about the weather
I know soon we'll be together
And I can't wait till then"
- Zac Brown Band

Fear

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us, it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson

Reindeer Games

It was something, and nothing more than that.
I yelled a thousand times,
but my head wouldn't listen to what I had to say,
we never did speak the same language..

I surpassed the amount of required smiles,
and they were oblivious to my discontent.
For every laugh I gave, my mind frowned at least twice.
but they were satisfied and I was bored.
Bored enough to play their little game.
To which I always lost graciously and intentionally.

Never upset the herd they say.
So my quiet self mingled through their midst,
all the time waiting for something...
but it was never more than that.

Over and over, again and again.

I replay the words that you said,
and it all turns around in my head.

I remember the way that you looked,
how you cried,
how you shook,
everytime that you tried to breathe.

And now for the first time I see..
that all of your pain has been because of me,
and I freeze.

Maybe if I stand still this will all pass us by.
So I lie to myself once again.
I say sorry and I take your hand,
but you're so cold.

I can see it now in your face,
that nothing I say will replace,
the faith that you once had in me.

And I pray to God that I'm wrong.
But He knows that I don't belong,
anywhere that you would be.

So still I stand and time passes by,
but nothing seems real without you.
And I forget how to feel, without you.
But I know that you were never mine to hold onto.

Mortal Kombat? No, go fish. (or MadGab double meaning)

Sometimes you make it so fucking difficult to talk to you. Why? Why in the world do you have to try and read something more into EVERY word i say? You're so busy looking for "what i'm really saying" that you are completely missing what I am really saying. This isn't some sort of game that I play with you that delights me. Actually if I'm being honest, it pisses me off, it makes me want to give you a stone cold stunner and smash broken glass in your eyes! Would I ever seriously do that? No. Of course not. But I'm trying to convey to you here how much this redundant arguement infuriates me.

You know me. If I have something to say. I say it. When I'm ready, I say it. I chose my words very carefully because I of all people know how tricky they can be. I know how I can say one thing and you can hear something completely different. I know this. I'm careful. So when I say something, for fuck sakes, PLEASE, take it at face value. Don't rip it apart and analyze it until it's unrecognizable and label it as mine.

Because it's not. Not my words, not my feelings, not my thoughts, not what I said.

And by doing that you are changing me in your mind, your version of me, how your heart sees me. And it's not true. It's not me. You make me an unwilling participant by casting me as nothing more than a mirror, and You stand there and argue with the reflection of your own insecurities.

I love you. But you are in serious danger of punch in the mouth, that or a tranq dart, some duct tape and my Kathy Bates Misery impression to hammer some sense into you because you are driving me mental. I can't stand constantly defending and re-explaining my every thought and response to you just to make things "ok" for you.

You are on a cliff here, so step back or fucking jump. Either way I'll hold your hand, just don't ask me to explain it. Me holding your hand means I love you. It means I'm in this with you. It means you are not alone. It means that sometimes.. I'm scared too.

You are my friend. Let me be your friend. I'm on your side. Try to put on those goggles the next time that you are reading into what I'm saying, maybe then you'll see a different story. One that starts with understanding and support and ends in safe acceptance.

Scream

You scream,
and your screams run and hide,
scared they might be heard.
You breathe,
and your breath leaves you,
like everything else has.
You feel,
and you feel too much,
so your feelings pretend to be nothing so that you can forget.
But when everyone's gone,
you remember that you can feel,
your breath seems to find you again,
and your screams come back and crawl into your arms,
and forever you listen to their silence...

How it all ends

Where did the air go?
You took it when you left.
Sucked it all up and walked away.
Now this is how I'll forever stay..
suffacating on the words I couldn't say.

And all the king's horses were gone.
And all the king's men went along.
Here I am lying down all alone,
insides on the outside,
with nothing to hold.

And the web that you've spun has got me all tangled up.
The sweet words from your tongue has got me all tied up.
So upside down and inside out, I hang myself.
And heart turned on and head turned off, I break myself...for you.

And so I'm hanging here waiting,
I am what you've made me.
Your creation for all to see,
a barely breathing masterpiece...
with no one to save me.

She

As night comes swift and silent in it's immensity, it brings with it her, their only warrior.
Her only weapon, an army of smiles, determined to conquer.
Her laughter dances around you like a thousand fairies intent on mischief.
Her gentle demeanor is controlling and captivating.
The smile in her eyes holds you, and for a brief moment, you glimpse the goodness of her soul in it's entirity.
Her kind words are a comfort and encouragement to us all, to strive to be better.
Smiling from your heart is a right, not a privilage.
Realizing that she has won, she slips away once more into the night that protects her.
And there she waits to show herself again.
And now sleep catches her in its strong arms so that she can heal, for she too feels pain,
but she holds it close to her heart and smiles once again.