What I was witness to today folks was spectacular to say the least. Let me start off by asking how many of you have seen the movie Stand by Me?? You know the movie starring Wil Wheaton (nerd), Kiefer Sutherland (bully), River Phoenix (troubled teen/Bff/younger brother), Corey Feldman (son of a "Looney" & all around off kind of guy). It's a great flick, it gave us the "goocher", and "sincerely guys". But most noteably for me was the story told round the campfire about a kid named Lard Ass and his creation of the "Total Barfarama".
yep, you guessed it today, unbeknown to me, my children haphazardly created their own two-man version of this, which was epic in scale.
join me on a magical journey back in time....
(my son shall take the role of male-child#1 and my daughter the role of girlbeast) scene: my entrance way.
I decided that it was a gorgeous day outside and to make the most of it. I put on my best positive attitude and rounded up the gang to make the formal announcement, that indeed, today we would venture out and see what fun awaited us.
My son, the 4yr old shut-in, logged his usual complaints of being too tired, and that we should just stay inside. My daughter drooled sporting her famous single tooth grin and tried to put her shoes on her head. I took this to mean she was in for the walk. I promptly told my son that he had no choice in the matter and to locomote.
At this point he did say his tummy hurt, but in my defense, he says that like every time I ask him to do something he isn't particularly fond of.. so.. yeah.. i should've heeded his warning, but I didn't.
So at this point I'm between them, he's sitting on the bench, I'm helping him get his shoes on my daughter is just behind me on the floor. Then all of a sudden I hear a very alarming noise gurgle up and out of my son's mouth followed by the sickest stream of projectile vomit that I've ever witnessed come out of a person that size, or any size for that matter.
Luckily my cat-like speed and reflexes allowed it to only nick my shoe. I quickly stepped clear and took off my top leaving me in my sports bra and ready for action. As I was preparing myself to get him undressed, the sour stench of it hit my daughter and she too began to vomit. She puked on my son's feet and this initiated what i refer to as the second insurgence.
So now there I am, standing topless, starring in disbelief and disgust as my children barf on each other...repeatedly. Of course something in me still asks the stupidest question, "honey are you ok?" to which my 4yr old responds in between mouthfuls,"uh, hellooo, McFly? i'm puking over here."
I know right? You're thinking what kind of kid genius, slash disrespectful kid am I raising? Actually this was a weak moment for him manners wise, he is normally thee most proper kid I've ever met. (Not sure where he picked that up exactly). But I was SOOOO proud/grossed out. I couldn't help but laugh. What other 4yr old do you know that references Back to the Future quotes while blowing chunks. Now that's some chutzpah there.
Despite my sensitive gag reflex I was able to get them both undressed. I placed girlbeast in her crib (which she despises) and listened to her serenade us with her shrill screaming. I got my son in the tub and turned to get him a towel, when I turned back something in the water caught my eye.....
me: "male-child#1, did you just puke again?"
male-child#1: "no."
me: "then what is all that stuff floating around in there?"
male-child#1: "well, i don't know.. i farted though."
me: "HOLY shitballs!!! quick, stand up, you are sitting in poop!"
he stands up and gets in the corner. yelling "get it OUT, GET IT OUT!!! gross!"
So I let the water out and wash the tub/fill it again, all the while girlbeast is getting louder and louder. All I keep thinking in my head is that there is NO WAY this happens when dads home. Poor him, always the bridesmaid, never the bride. What is with my luck? I mean, I can't even win a free coffee on the Timmies roll up the rim to win, but I hit the JACKPOT when it comes to body fluids?!!? unbelievable.
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