My Diagnosis

Lets talk for a moment about how absolutely crazy I've been as of late. I have been happy and somber, elated and devestated, high as a crackwhore and down in the depths. More accurately I've been swimming around in them in fact, not all that eager to leave. Why? Good question. Lets take a close look shall we? Personally I think there are a number of contributing factors to my current mental state.

A) Not enough quality one on one time with my loves. With the people closest to me, the ones who know me inside and out, where time with them is easy and effortless. Where it doesn't matter where we are because being around them is so completely natural to me that it feels like home regardless of the venue. Because the truth is that being in their presence makes me immediately step up, they inspire me to be the very best version of me. Simply because I want the best for them. I want to give them my best. Period.

Without this, I'm gonna be a lost cause every time. It throws my emotional balance off. Given enough time apart or alone I begin to isolate and internalize everything. I become quiet and observant, taking it all in. .. holding it and analyzing it over and over until often it no longer carries the meaning intended but some perversion of the truth created by my insecurities. Left alone too long, I can convince myself that that is exactly what I need.. to be alone, that that is how it should be. At times I just can't get myself out of my head and frankly it's exhausting.

B) Winter's a fucker. Winter and it's below hypothermic in 10 seconds without a house around you as a barrier is bullshit. Then it decides to partner with the sun and really fuck you over by saying, " hey sun dude, take a break, you've earned it, working hard all summer. I got this. I'll just through up a few grey clouds and some whip up some howling winds and viola! Depression. Grey is so trendy these days! Nothing like a dismal abyss weatherwise and a severe lack of Vitamin D to really put a little pep in your step." yeah, the Belljar is unfortunately conveniently located right next to my King Size bed that I'm already a big fan of and rather well acquainted with. So there's that.

C) I'm a going on 8yrs sleep deprived mother of two amazing kids, kids that I love and adore, kids that I will do absolutely anything for, they are my heart. ...kids that need a lot. From me. Of me. All of me. All of the time. Seriously. ALL OF THE TIME. I'm tired. So tired in fact that even when I do get the chance to sleep, I can't. Because I've crossed the point of no return and I am actually TOO TIRED TO SLEEP . ...Nooooooooooooooooo!!!..... (No this is not a myth, it is a real place parents, usually mothers go to functionally die. This means that the are pretty much "Zombie" Moms, that still function physically, walking around, making lunches, dusting things, but are mentally dead.)

D) I've been working through somethings, things that I'm saying good bye to from my past because it's time, things from my present that need to become my past, and those are all difficult things and it doesn't get done in a day. No matter how much I'd like it to. And so I have good days and bad ones. More good than bad I can happily say.

E) I'm a female.. (No really, put two and two together I shouldn't have to spell this shit out for anyone.)

F) I'm in love and that will just forever be the messiest most worthwhile rollarcoaster ride of absolute magical bliss and terror that I never want to get off. (Well... except when I want to "get off", if you know what I mean;)

Ahh now that's more like it. See I feel better already. Just talking it out with myself and some tunes. All is right with the world. As it should be....

Final Diagnosis: Full on Looney Tunes. Upside, I make a straight jacket look hot.