And so I wait...

I can't remember the last time I felt this way.... so void.... so empty....despondent to the heart of me....
alone, always. And yet at the same time so full...

....So full that I overflow with something that wells up from within me. The way a bucket filled with water will slowly reach it's capacity and suddenly spill over. Unable to hold or carry the weight of it's contents any longer.

I think that's what it is. That I am full. Overwhelmed. There is no room left in me. Everyone keeps giving me their tears, their angers, their sorrows; their pain so affectingly palpable that I have no room left to console myself. Parts of them washing over me, leaving emotional traces of each one on my clothes, my hair. Their scent seemingly something only I can smell, intermingling with mine; and no matter how hard I try, I can't scrape them from me. My mind not mine anymore, now an assisted living facility for every broken heart without a home. Hurts abandoned and left to linger in shelter as their owners adopt new wounds to care for.

I am transparent. Unseen, unheard, unfelt by those I love so dearly.
I'm so tired. Too tired to breathe today....too tired to try.

It feels as though I stay silent for so long, waiting for something, someone to feel all that I feel, and think. Someone who could really know me, without explanation, without words. To find solace in the simple honest silence of a heart that sees all...and yet, holds you still.

Time...time....time.....passes. More and more I feel it coming and leaving, leaving an imprint in that moment. I carry it with me, on me, in me.

Holding on for dear life to anything that feels real, and true.

Soon something, some moment will lift me, up above the physical constraints of this body, to a level of intimacy so deep that I will sink in the comforting beauty of it. I will drown myself in it and let it have all of me.

Then everything will move on again and I will be renewed.

Reborn....for a while at least.

And with that my soul will find rest.

Until then, I will remain... a ghost, watchful, awake and longing... for the me that comes alive in that one moment passing by...