After the Storm

I raced around, trying to catch the words as they fell out of my mouth.
But they were slippery, and they ran to you.
Your heart tricked mine.
So I stayed the fool...   because I loved you.

I should have been more careful,
with the wishes that my heart made,
with the dreams that began to fade,
into nightmares with no wake.

You were so careful,
in mapping out the route, that I went were I was led.
Listening to 'I love you's'.. while you were fucking with my head.
Your betrayal wrapped warm, with smiles and good intentions.

I should have been more careful,
while you were polishing your lies,
but I never saw them coming because you kept them all inside.
Constructing your illusions, whispering sweet intrusions, into the corners of my mind.

You were so careful,
with the words that you used,
perfectly picked to deceive and abuse,
a love that would have walked with you forever.

Now you race around, trying to find the words that use to fall out of my mouth.
but they're not here anymore.
Your heart tricked mine.
And I was a fool...  to have loved you.

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"Every night that goes between
I feel a little less
As you slowly go away from me
This is only another test

Every night you do not come
Your softness fades away
Did I ever really care that much?
Is there anything left to say?

Every hour of fear I spend
My body tries to cry
Living through each empty night
A deadly calm inside

I haven't felt this way I feel
Since many a years ago
But in those years and the lifetime's past
I did not deal with the road

And I did not deal with you, I know
Though the love has always been
So I search to find an answer there
So I can truly win

Every hour of fear I spend
My body tries to cry
Living through each empty night
A deadly calm inside

So I try to say goodbye, my friend
I'd like to leave you with something warm
But never have I been a blue calm sea
I have always been a storm"

- Fleetwood Mac 

35 & Counting...

                                     
As I get older, I realize how not 'grown up' I really am.  I realize more and more how little I really know, how much I still have to learn.. about others, about myself.  And at first these thoughts scared me. Terrified me, sometimes I even let them cripple me. But then there was this other thought. The thought that it's all out of my control. That in these things I'm powerless, and that I just had to let go. To keep putting one foot in front of the other and it would be ok. To trust in that thought and to try and embrace the fear of the unknown. To allow myself to live in the moment, and to try my hardest not to spend my every waking moment worrying about tomorrow and the things and hurts that may never come. It was a great thought. And every morning I wake up, and I tell myself that today is another new day that I'm going to try to do it again, that I'm going to try to learn something new, and in the process become... something new. But I'm old enough to know that sometimes becoming something new means letting go of something old.


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                                     You Learn

              "After a while you learn the subtle difference

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

              
               And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning

And company doesn’t mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,

 

And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn…
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure…

That you really are strong

And you really do have worth…

And you learn and learn…

With every good-bye you learn."

 

- Jorge Luis Borges