"I desire the things that will destroy me in the end." -Sylvia plath
"Love to be real, it must cost,it must hurt,it must empty us of self" - Mother Teresa
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Monday, August 13, 2012
You asked me where I am. I told you I'm right here.
Here I am.
Waiting, empty, still.
A thousand angers have kept me alive.
I stare at a mirror that reflects nothing.
My eyes dry,
because crying is something that I have perfected without tears.
My whisper is deafening.
You might have heard my pleas,
But you stopped listening long ago.
This is not what I expected or wanted,
But I’m here.
Here, where you led me.
Here, where you left me.
Here, where you lost me.
And I’m more sorry for that then you’ll ever be.
Just let go.
I’ve stopped hanging on.
Waiting, empty, still.
A thousand angers have kept me alive.
I stare at a mirror that reflects nothing.
My eyes dry,
because crying is something that I have perfected without tears.
My whisper is deafening.
You might have heard my pleas,
But you stopped listening long ago.
This is not what I expected or wanted,
But I’m here.
Here, where you led me.
Here, where you left me.
Here, where you lost me.
And I’m more sorry for that then you’ll ever be.
Just let go.
I’ve stopped hanging on.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
The Ripple Effect
I've been thinking. A lot. Shocking I'm sure to the 3 of you that read this with anything that could be labeled as consistency. I would also like to say thank you for visiting me in the Belljar. I know, I know, it's been a heavy read as of late, but I go where the words take me, and I'm coming out of it. Apparently it was my "cycle" or so I was told. For a girl I'm pretty shitty at tracking this. I don't know why. Maybe because I reject the idea that anything has control over me. (Notable mention here: I also believe I have cat like speed and reflexes along with innate Ninja skills that make me somewhat of a lethal weapon, with a possible but yet to be completely confirmed side of telekinesis. So yeah. Might want to Watch Out.) Because I pride myself on being self-reliant, capable come what may. Because I have to be ready.. for what comes next. For the next knock down, the next fall, the next emotional carnivorous abyss. I have to be ready to fall in and climb out, on my own; Because If I stay far enough back I’ll see it coming, and I can brace myself. Avoid “serious injury”, but in reality it’s the only kind I know. Always alone, You are responsible for you, I tell myself daily. Love Big but from far enough back that you can take care of them and yourself. Don’t go all in, anchor yourself to the ground. You can’t be their safety and your own. With no anchor you’ll all drown. But when I said it out loud it made me ask myself, “what are you bringing to the table? How much are you offering, and what is the content?”
Life is hard. I will hurt. It is a certainty. Pain is inevitable, I know this. I accept this. But suffering? Suffering is optional. I choose not to allow this into my life. Not by my will or the will of others. Life is full of injustices. They happen in the world all around us, every day. We can choose to rise above it and overcome or lay down and be crushed. There is always a choice. If I choose fear, I’m ruled by it, limited by the walls I’ve constructed. In which case I’ve already surrendered and lost; Lost memories and the opportunity to be loved or have given it. I’m left then only with thoughts of what might of have been, plagued with reels of moments that never were.
Sometimes I stand there, like the actress who forgot her lines, stunned, choked, debating content. Because content IS what matters. Everything, everyone that you rub up against, make contact with, however brief it may be, leaves a part of itself, themselves on you, and you them. So I’ve been re-evaluating, asking myself, what am I bringing to the table? What impact am I having, leaving with them, on them, in them? I don’t want to waste that moment and only give them what I can spare, to stay safe. I can’t live my life afraid of the fall. So I am going to take every opportunity to jump. To lead with my heart, and have faith that I’ll still get up, even when it hurts like a bitch, that what’s broken will mend, that scars too serve a purpose. That they are there to remind us of the cost of love and that anything that is worth loving...is worth everything. I know in my heart that God is with me, that my strength lies in Him, that He will carry me when I can’t walk, that He bares my burdens with me. So I will humble myself and trust, so that I can love freely the way that I was made to.
Take a minute and ask yourself a question, what are you bringing to the table? Make an impact. Leave an impression of love that will last eternally. You may only have the one moment, that one interaction to make a difference. Seeing the result of your actions isn’t important, only the actions themselves are. The love and effort you put out there today can and will change and effect that person, their world, and thereby your world tomorrow. It’s like jumping into a pond. The ripple starts out small but eventually affects the entire body of water. You may only be one person in the grand scheme of things, but you're the one person that has the ability to shape the world around you.
So… are you going to go all in and jump?
------
"A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
Should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
In my heart, in my soul
I give you control
Consume me from the inside out
Let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out"
- Hillsong
Life is hard. I will hurt. It is a certainty. Pain is inevitable, I know this. I accept this. But suffering? Suffering is optional. I choose not to allow this into my life. Not by my will or the will of others. Life is full of injustices. They happen in the world all around us, every day. We can choose to rise above it and overcome or lay down and be crushed. There is always a choice. If I choose fear, I’m ruled by it, limited by the walls I’ve constructed. In which case I’ve already surrendered and lost; Lost memories and the opportunity to be loved or have given it. I’m left then only with thoughts of what might of have been, plagued with reels of moments that never were.
Sometimes I stand there, like the actress who forgot her lines, stunned, choked, debating content. Because content IS what matters. Everything, everyone that you rub up against, make contact with, however brief it may be, leaves a part of itself, themselves on you, and you them. So I’ve been re-evaluating, asking myself, what am I bringing to the table? What impact am I having, leaving with them, on them, in them? I don’t want to waste that moment and only give them what I can spare, to stay safe. I can’t live my life afraid of the fall. So I am going to take every opportunity to jump. To lead with my heart, and have faith that I’ll still get up, even when it hurts like a bitch, that what’s broken will mend, that scars too serve a purpose. That they are there to remind us of the cost of love and that anything that is worth loving...is worth everything. I know in my heart that God is with me, that my strength lies in Him, that He will carry me when I can’t walk, that He bares my burdens with me. So I will humble myself and trust, so that I can love freely the way that I was made to.
Take a minute and ask yourself a question, what are you bringing to the table? Make an impact. Leave an impression of love that will last eternally. You may only have the one moment, that one interaction to make a difference. Seeing the result of your actions isn’t important, only the actions themselves are. The love and effort you put out there today can and will change and effect that person, their world, and thereby your world tomorrow. It’s like jumping into a pond. The ripple starts out small but eventually affects the entire body of water. You may only be one person in the grand scheme of things, but you're the one person that has the ability to shape the world around you.
So… are you going to go all in and jump?
------
"A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
Should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
In my heart, in my soul
I give you control
Consume me from the inside out
Let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out"
- Hillsong
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
You should have been a Life Guard
You fight to find me.
You turn me inside out and undermine me.
Digging out the feelings trapped inside me.
Breaking all the chains that tried to bind me.
And all I want to do is try to hold you.
To tell you all the things I've never told you.
But fighting with myself, I bleed to keep you.
I do everything I can, not to need you.
Because the fear of being crushed by this is daunting, looming.
Baring witness to a love this pure is all consuming.
That the thought of losing you right now is enough to break me.
But then you say those 3 words, and completely save me...
Then I'm reminded,
That the kindness in your eyes, it's eternal.
And that behind the capable woman is still the fragile girl,
Who's just as scared as me of this brand new world.
Yet you hold my hand, and you don't let go.
You're braver than me, with an innocent soul.
Your smile grabs hold of my heart and won't take no.
You walk forward, and I follow, into thee unknown...
------
"If you could see the way I act when I'm alone
If you could hear my voice crack over the phone
Then you'd know I need you, oh, you'd know I need you
Oh, you'd know I need you to love me"
-Norah Jones
You turn me inside out and undermine me.
Digging out the feelings trapped inside me.
Breaking all the chains that tried to bind me.
And all I want to do is try to hold you.
To tell you all the things I've never told you.
But fighting with myself, I bleed to keep you.
I do everything I can, not to need you.
Because the fear of being crushed by this is daunting, looming.
Baring witness to a love this pure is all consuming.
That the thought of losing you right now is enough to break me.
But then you say those 3 words, and completely save me...
Then I'm reminded,
That the kindness in your eyes, it's eternal.
And that behind the capable woman is still the fragile girl,
Who's just as scared as me of this brand new world.
Yet you hold my hand, and you don't let go.
You're braver than me, with an innocent soul.
Your smile grabs hold of my heart and won't take no.
You walk forward, and I follow, into thee unknown...
------
"If you could see the way I act when I'm alone
If you could hear my voice crack over the phone
Then you'd know I need you, oh, you'd know I need you
Oh, you'd know I need you to love me"
-Norah Jones
Caught in the Undertow
I don't understand.
When is it over? When does it stop?
I woke up this morning feeling strong. But gradually as I got ready everything just permeated my mind.
Grabbed hold, won't wash away.
Sucked the air out of the room. This horrible heaviness just enveloped me. Swallowed me whole.
I started crying so hard and now I have to fake it yet again, for others, for me.
My eyes pinched and tears just fell from my face. They just kept falling.
They flooded my face, I couldn't breathe.
I don't understand, I can't make it stop.
You asked me if I was ok. You said that I didn't look too good.
I told you that I wasn't feeling well, must be allergies.
I wish.
I wish this would stop. But I keep it so tight, it is ALWAYS there, just below the surface.
I'm standing on a precipice just barely holding back this tide.
Every time someone says hi I feel like I'm going to fall apart. It takes everything I have to keep it here with me.
I want to be stronger than this.
I don't want to feel this.
But I know in my heart that I have to walk through every moment that I'm feeling.
It's just so hard. On my time, it's ok, I'm sort of prepared, at least that's what I tell myself.
But when it ambushes me from out of nowhere, how can I stand?
I've never needed you more, that's how this moment feels.
But you're gone...
I feel so weak. Terrified.
I need a hug. To sit and cry quietly with my head in your lap and a box of Kleenex, while you pet my head and tell me it's going to get better.
For some reason, it gave me comfort when you said it.
I believed it, when you said it.
But we don't talk anymore.
On paper. In silence, seems to be the only way I can talk these days.
The only time I feel real.
I am walking missing poster.
And no one can find me.
------
"I got my head but my head is unraveling
cant keep control can't keep track of where it's traveling
I got my heart but my heart's no good
you're the only one that's understood.
I come along but I don't know where you're taking me
I shouldn't go but you're wrenching dragging shaking me
turn off the sun pull the stars from the sky
the more I give to you the more I die
you make me hard when i'm all soft inside
I see the truth when i'm all stupid-eyed
the arrow goes straight through my heart
without you everything just falls apart
take me with you
without you everything just falls apart
it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces"
-Nine Inch Nails
When is it over? When does it stop?
I woke up this morning feeling strong. But gradually as I got ready everything just permeated my mind.
Grabbed hold, won't wash away.
Sucked the air out of the room. This horrible heaviness just enveloped me. Swallowed me whole.
I started crying so hard and now I have to fake it yet again, for others, for me.
My eyes pinched and tears just fell from my face. They just kept falling.
They flooded my face, I couldn't breathe.
I don't understand, I can't make it stop.
You asked me if I was ok. You said that I didn't look too good.
I told you that I wasn't feeling well, must be allergies.
I wish.
I wish this would stop. But I keep it so tight, it is ALWAYS there, just below the surface.
I'm standing on a precipice just barely holding back this tide.
Every time someone says hi I feel like I'm going to fall apart. It takes everything I have to keep it here with me.
I want to be stronger than this.
I don't want to feel this.
But I know in my heart that I have to walk through every moment that I'm feeling.
It's just so hard. On my time, it's ok, I'm sort of prepared, at least that's what I tell myself.
But when it ambushes me from out of nowhere, how can I stand?
I've never needed you more, that's how this moment feels.
But you're gone...
I feel so weak. Terrified.
I need a hug. To sit and cry quietly with my head in your lap and a box of Kleenex, while you pet my head and tell me it's going to get better.
For some reason, it gave me comfort when you said it.
I believed it, when you said it.
But we don't talk anymore.
On paper. In silence, seems to be the only way I can talk these days.
The only time I feel real.
I am walking missing poster.
And no one can find me.
------
"I got my head but my head is unraveling
cant keep control can't keep track of where it's traveling
I got my heart but my heart's no good
you're the only one that's understood.
I come along but I don't know where you're taking me
I shouldn't go but you're wrenching dragging shaking me
turn off the sun pull the stars from the sky
the more I give to you the more I die
you make me hard when i'm all soft inside
I see the truth when i'm all stupid-eyed
the arrow goes straight through my heart
without you everything just falls apart
take me with you
without you everything just falls apart
it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces"
-Nine Inch Nails
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