Down the rabbit hole ...

Today, actually lately, the last couple of days anyway, I've been a little lost. I know we've all been there, and I'm sure I should find that comforting, but I'm there now, and I don't. Today I thought to myself that somewhere along the way I gave away this piece of me, this integral, this quintessential, piece of me. Of course i did it in the name of love. but more importantly at the time, I did it unconditionally, and oblivious to how much of myself went along with that act. only now, years later do I fully see the culmination of all of my decisions to change.. to concede.. to compromise, a little, everyday. You never know how much love will take from you if you let it.

but you want to right? I wanted to.. I thought that's how this all worked. "sure, I get it, hurt a little now, and in the end there's the big pay off. it's worth it." Just give a little... just give in a little. Be a little less, critical, be a little less needy, be a little less demanding, expect a little less. be a little less.. you. Be a little more, patient, be a little more accommodating, be a little more available, be a little more giving. give give give, more love, more time, more support, more of you. .. Until all that's left is a little less...

I wanted to. I thought that I was doing ok. my best actually. somewhere in there I did it. I gave me away, and realized too late that the woman typing here today, is missing an important piece. The piece of me that doesn't need anyone else to make her feel whole. The piece of me that remembers what it was like to feel strong, self assured, and content in knowing that even if no one else in the world loved me, it would still be ok, because I loved me. Because I know that no one else can make me happy, no one else can fill me, no amount of love will ever be enough, if I don't love me, believe in me, first.

I've been striving to maintain these relationships, trying to be the person that I thought that I was supposed to be, meet the needs of the people that I love. but in the end I let their needs and expectations shape me instead of my own, changing the person I was, the person that they loved in the first place, into the person i am now. Now they are all left looking for that person that I used to be, and so am I...

so I decided today that the first step in getting that part of me back is to let somethings go. things that I've been holding onto for too long.. it's never easy is it.