You had me at Maccools

Maybe it was the Hall and Oates...and how you held them up in HMV like you struck gold.
Maybe you're the dietary requirement I've been lacking as of late.
Maybe I didn't realize how important digestion was until we talked.
Until you ran through me and helped me process the toxins living inside.
Then again, it could've been your private eyes, watching me...
They really do see my every move, and yet... you never say a word.
Just that grin, and a nod, and I know you know, that I'm so close, yet so far away.
And still you make me feel like none of that matters and that it's ok. 
And who knew that their greatest hits was what I needed. ..
Thank you. .. Maybe you'll never know, and maybe I'll never be able to say it properly....
Maybe I'm out of touch... but hopefully not out of time, to tell you...
that you and your Hall and Oates.... saved me today.


------

What the water gave me...tales from the tank.

It is only in the darkness that we truly see and everything becomes clear...
and through pain the path to freedom revealed.
Abandon the past. Dream no more dear heart. Awaken now... and rise.
Your strength and hope rest in you alone.
Keep swimming against the tide,
and you will find your way home,
It's time to open your eyes. 

"I asked the water why its shores were so calming.
Why its current mimicked my heartbeat
and made me feel alive.
It said I am its heartbeat and it is mine.
It said we're all in this together...
and we'll all survive." - @Writingtoremember



------

 Elysium

"Brother do you believe in an afterlife?
Our souls will both collide
In some great Elysium
Way up in the sky
Free from our shackles, our chains, our mouths, our brains
We'll open all the gates
We will walk careless, straight into the light
I've never felt so enlightened
Every page I turn
I only find myself
Feeling more alone
Posing questions to a silent universe
My very thoughts are cursed
They just seem to multiply
Forever in my mind
Brother don't grow up
Brother please never grow up
Just hold out against the night
And guard your hope with your life
For the darkness, she will come
Oh and you have nowhere left to run
Oh but your eyes are wider than mine, but they'll never see??
Just hope that age does not erase all that you've seen
Don't let bitterness become you
Your only hopes are within you
Just hold out against the night
And guard your hope with your life"

- Bears Den

You can't hold onto anything that you don't want to lose.
Except yourself, hold onto you. Never let go of that.

"Sometimes the feeling still bubbles up that my heart might just stop from all the pain that it's felt. I used to wonder what to do with that feeling, but it's ok to sit with the pain. The heart won't stop, it will work harder to get stronger. Happiness is always a possibility." - @writingtoremember 

The heart that held you

I know I should've closed the door..
After you left, should've shut it and walked away.
Burned down the house that held you,
the letters,
the words,
every moment you lived in,
every waking dream that kept you alive.
Burned them all and thrown ash to wind.
Instead I sat there..
fell to the ground and rooted in wait... in longing... in love.
With you.
With an illusion created in part by me,
magic my strong suit it seemed,
all wrapped in the convincing spell that you weaved.
And before I could breathe my heart had deceived.. itself.
Thinking it meant to you, all that you had meant to me.
In your absence, eyes awake, I saw my pain in love innate.
Suddenly we were everything and nothing all at once.
An impossibility, both in love and loss,
And I, was emptiness replete.
In silence I sat, staring...
waiting to close the door, but hope was in the way.
That you'd return...
That your heart would stay.
That magic would blind these eyes again.
That you'd light my way...
but yours was always an illusory light.
And I could never follow.



------






Illusory Light

"I knew exactly,

I knew exactly what this would feel like
I knew this day was coming,

I knew it right from the start

I could see it in your eyes, but I just didn't care
I knew the days were numbered, but I fell anyway

I knew exactly, I knew exactly what you would be to me
A scar on the horizon, a perfect dim illusory light

And I held it in my hands to protect it from the wind
But the more I held on, I knew I'd lose it again

You blew in like a breeze and rolled out like a storm
I know you didn't think it'd do any harm

I knew exactly, I knew exactly what this would feel like
To hear the same voice that said 'hello'... say 'goodbye'"

- Sara Blasko

"Don't put your happiness in other people's hands.
They'll drop it.


They'll drop it every time."

- C.Barzak

The Rain

Today... for a little while, you were here again, with me. I felt you in the air, all around me. You sat next to me and I talked to you about the million little things that I miss about you. Like the way we used to ride our bikes in the rain, and how you'd always let me win our races. The flat tires, and dares, the way that you would tease me into doing things and I would fall for it every time because I loved the challenge. I want so badly to really talk to you again.... to hear your voice, to hear you laugh, to see your cheeky smile ...  just one more time. Today the rain brought you to me, long enough for me to love you and lose you all over again. .. I miss you, I'm sorry you were alone, that I wasn't there so you wouldn't feel alone... so that you wouldn't feel afraid... I want you to know that I've gone back since then in my mind, a million times I've gone back for you and every time I'm there with you, every time we are together...and you're not alone. Sometimes I look up and I try to find your face in the clouds, like that's how you see me now. And me searching earnestly for some kind of heavenly wave... . we will race again someday love, until then, wait for me in the rain...


------





Beginnings

I watched the house
As it fell right to the ground.
I was away from you.

And I watched the birds
As they fell out from the sky.
Into the hands of decay
I wish there was a way for you.

And I felt your voice
As it carried with the wind.
Like a fire in my ears.
Like the darkness of fear.

And I would bathe in ash
As it rained down from above.
And it would cast me out now
Into the fields of love.

And I watched the birds
As they fell out from the sky.
Into the hands of decay
I wish there was a way for you.

And I felt your voice
As it carried with the wind.
Like a fire in my ears.
Like the darkness of fear.
Like the voice of God.

- Houses

2:43 am and my head and heart are paper talking...hold on, this may very well be nonsensical and by the way.. i don't have a plan, or anything that could be called a coherant thought pattern here so we'll see where this ride takes us, shall we?

We can't control our feelings, when or how they come and affect us, whether we want them to or not... but we can control our actions. They are our choice. How we choose to react, to behave, what we allow, that is our choice. We are accountable for our actions and their consequences. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Karma some call it. Regardless of the name, it exists for each of us. We reap what we sow in life. Be a person of integrity, be someone that you can respect and respect those that you love.

I was reminded today of the fact that as children we have parents to help guide us to make good decisions, parents are supposed to model it for us so that we understand that even though things feel or taste good, indulging our wants and desires are not always what is right for us. That things that feel good are not always necessarily good for us. That is why they call it temptation. The temptation to stay up late, eat sweets, play dangerously, have unprotected sex etc. And as we grow and become adults ourselves we are left to our own judgement to make that call. With only ourselves to hold us accountable. Sure people can weigh in with thoughts or opinions, but at the end of the day, we decide. The tough part is that as adults we have pressures, stresses and responsibilities and oh how we crave a simpler time. Time filled with playful laughter and ease, slow breathing and the romance that is being alive. So as adults we grasp at it when it passes us, because it's so tempting and it feels good. It makes us feel alive again. Renewed. It fills us with that promise we once felt. Of adventures and dreams. And all of this is so tempting, because it feels so right. But the difference between something that feels right and something that is right, is that if it is right for us it will never cause damage to the ones we love, the ones we've promised to keep safe. Because in the end hurting them only serves to hurt us as well.

Pain is our indicator in life. Both physically and emotionally. It is our warning beacon and helps us to know when we are doing something dangerous to ourselves or others. Imagine if we could not sense it. Our hand on a hot element, the damage we would do. Emotionally the same holds true, if we burry it in ourselves or ignore it in those we love, to give in to our immediate wants or hearts desires, imagine the damage we would do. So we are wired to sense and feel pain, to anchor us, to guide us. There are times when we need to step out of the moment and big picture things, to step back and gain perspective, because the damage we do in a moment can never be undone. And although forgiven, you can not always recover what is lost. Whether that loss occurs within ourselves or our relationships, things will forever be changed. And although getting lost in the moment is breathtaking and intensified by emotion, it doesn't ever take into account the after. Moments are by definition fleeting. They have no regard for what comes next. For the fallout, let alone the collateral damage. Love doesn't negate responsibility, if anything it heightens it. If we cannot stand by our word, our promises, our vows, then what are we? Then nothing we have to give, or share, means anything to another, it cannot carry any weight or meaning, if there is no foundation, no action behind it. The adage that actions speak louder than words is true. Let our actions be our words. Let my heart speak through my actions, let me be intentional in deed and thought, that my words, my actions be not the cause of pain or heartache for another soul to bear. This is the difference between being a adult and being a child. The knowing better. The doing better. "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became an adult I put the ways of childhood behind me." Love is many things and has many faces and forms... and discernment although difficult is required. True love, as in the essence of love untainted by human influence, love in its perfect form, in it's purity is this "Love is patient, love is kind, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

Love is not self seeking. Humans however, are. Now don't confuse that with not loving yourself. We should and need to love and honour ourselves. Without the ability to do this for ourselves, we cannot do this for another. “I do not trust people who don't love themselves and yet tell me, 'I love you.' There is an African saying which is: Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt.”
― Maya Angelou  Love starts at home, with our own hearts. But the love that we engage in with others should not be self seeking. We weren't given the capacity and ability to love for what we get in return. We don't love because we need another to fill us. That is NOT love. That is need. That is want. But not love. And too often we confuse the two. I used to have this idea, whether it be from movies, from society, from the feelings love invokes that love meant finding that missing piece in you in someone else. Finding completion in or with the addition of another to the equation. The "you complete me" syndrome otherwise known as the "Jerry Maguire" so many of us feel and fall for. But the truth is that is not love either. Love does not mean finding another that completes us, for that kind of fulfillment never lasts, but instead love is finding another that compliments us as individuals. We need to be complete all on our own so we are capable of complimenting another. So many times I've heard people say, I love this person for how they make me feel... That is not love. You are not loving them, you are loving what you are getting from them. Love to love and for no other reason. It is no ones responsibility to feed us. All we are then is emotional vampires, sucking what we need from others, because we don't know how to find it in ourselves. Yes we are relational creatures and we need and crave contact and connection. Everyone wants to be known, to feel like a part of something bigger, to not feel alone. But for that to work in any kind of sustainable way we need to learn how to feed ourselves first so we can be a healthy contributing love for another. One that builds without taking, and instead receives what is shared. If we are capable of this, we sacrifice nothing and we jeopardize nothing. In this there is a solid and safe foundation for our hearts to grow strong and flourish and we create that same space for those we love.

So in the end, it is our actions that we control, and our actions that define us. You shape yourself, Be a person of integrity, strength of character in action and word and be the love that you need, know that you are worthy of love and love yourself unconditionally, then you can do so for the ones that you love knowing fully the truth, that you are worthy of their hearts.

I read all of this, and part of me can't believe this is coming from me, from my heart, a person who has always prided themselves on being in the moments when they happen. Following my heart come what may.. but that's the thing, my heart knows and has learned those lessons, that is instinctual for me.. now it is choosing to follow another path, one that feels foreign, a little scary because it demands presence of mind and self control, constantly. In every moment, word, action. Hearts are wild, my heart is wild, but for it to be safe for me, for those I share my life with, it needs reminding, boundaries and guidance. And my heart continually surprises me, I would have never thought it would pull me down this path, but I will follow it as always on its journey and desire for self improvement, for strength in discipline. Some times it even knows better than to listen to the things that my mind tries to justify. It keeps me honest with myself when it knows I'm getting a little off track. Like a tree that we prune to make fruitful and ensure continued growth, our heart requires the same. So right now, for me, I am enduring and moving through yet another emotional growth spurt. It is not always easy, and I am very flawed and don't always make the right choices.... but here's me.... and I'm trying... I am going to choose to keep trying. ..Wish me luck.

Hello Again

 

 

I'm finding myself again, but it's taken me a long time to get here, a long time to remember the me that I was before I wrapped myself in and around someone else. To the point where I forgot all about who I was without them. Don't lose yourself in anyone, don't get so wrapped up that you forget who you really are, and what you love about yourself. Remember to love yourself enough, that you don't need to find it in another. Remember to love yourself enough to make the hard decisions.

Remember to choose you.  

The Good-Bye Lie

One day soon you'll be happy again..
One day maybe.. you'll say I'm forgiven.
I swear to god I never meant to hurt you,
But I know that the words that I used do.
How they replay themselves in your heart.
How they're the only thing you can hear in the dark.
And the way that I lied,
When I said Good-bye...
I knew that you were looking right through me.
I just pray that one day, you'll see.
That this choice was for me and for you.
And that every word that I said, killed me too.
That I am more sorry, than you will ever know...
That I love you enough... to let you go...
And for now at least, I'll look at you,
and breathe, and smile, and just pretend..
that we were never anything more than friends.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so god damn sorry...


------





"Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic"

Though I've tried before to tell her
Of the feelings I have for her in my heart
Every time that I come near her
I just lose my nerve
As I've done from the start

Every little thing she does is magic
Everything she does just turns me on
Even though my life before was tragic
Now I know my love for her goes on

Do I have to tell the story
Of a thousand rainy days since we first met
It's a big enough umbrella
But it's always me that ends up getting wet

Every little thing she does is magic
Everything she does just turns me on
Even though my life before was tragic
Now I know my love for her goes on
 

- Sleeping At Last

 

iii

❝ You were the antidote I savoured when the 
poison was left to writhe. The small bowl of 
water, porcelain rimmed, I placed my sunburnt
feet in to sooth. That’s the problem
with drowning in people just to make yourself 
feel worthy. That is the issue with thinking that
you are all the more beautiful because of the ruins,
that savouring your own pity is romantic, that 
revelling in melancholy is cute. It’s not.

There is you and there is me, there is all
the words we could have said but didn’t, all the 
flavours we could have consumed but just let 
the hunger linger, instead. You leave words to 
roar and they turn into a god damn hurricane.
I promise myself different things each time, 
like how I’ll say goodbye and mean it, 
how I’ll walk away and don’t dare look back. 
One day I hope to read your favourite book 
and think solely about the characters, 
the lettering, the love, but not you. Never you.

We tend to waste so much time existing in a state
of lamentation. Each second I decide to let you go,
to breathe space into love, to treat you like an ancient memory, is a victory. ❞


—— Contramonte, “Toward A Better Love”

Sometimes

"Sometimes someone hurts you so bad...
....it stops hurting at all.

Until something makes you feel again...
And then it all comes back.
Every word.
Every hurt.
Every moment."

- Anonymous

Sometimes it's time to set fire to your life.
Fan the flames and say your good-byes.
And move on again. ..
Keep moving forward.. .
Don't look back.
The past is the past.
There is nothing there for you anymore.

And sometimes... you realize that your present has become your past.
And there you are left standing in the middle of it all...
When this happens...let it go and stop living there.
Hearts don't live off of memories.
They choke on them. They suffocate.
So learn what you can and leave.
You don't belong there anymore.



------







"Belong"

Wake up lonely with you by my side
One more night it doesn't feel
There are movies playing in your eyes
You dream of our fortunes

But you're wrong
I don't belong to you

The moon is the only friend I have outside
One more drink and I'll be healed
I told you the words and then knew it was a lie
I wish I could offer an appeal

You're wrong
I don't belong
You're wrong
I don't belong to you

What I'd give for that first night when you were mine
Tried with all that I have to keep you alive

I wasn't taught this way
With a thousand things to say
I was born with a broken heart
What I'd give for that first night when you were mine
Thought you were mine

So I'll put this cigarette to bed
Pull some sheets from off your side
I put my arm around you safe in the night
Still dreaming of fortune
But you're wrong
I don't belong
You're wrong
I don't belong
I don't belong

- Cary Brothers

"You have to learn to get up from the table when love is no longer being served." - Nina Simone

My Person

I have this person. She's my best friend.
She's the best person I know.
She keeps me real.
She keeps me laughing.
She keeps me honest.
She keeps my heart
And she keeps it safe.

Sometimes words fail me,
Sometimes I speak thinking that we are one,
and that she knows exactly where my hearts at
cause she's holding it next to hers,
but I don't always remember that she doesn't always
understand me right away, that she can't read my mind,
even though so often I swear she can.
And sometimes, I don't communicate well.

I try, I really do, but I tend to fail.
But what I really want to say here is this.

I love her. She is my rock.
Knowing that she makes the world
a better place just by being in it,
makes every day better than the one before.
I am better because of her.
I trust her. Wholeheartedly.
With everything.
And that without her, everything is a little less bright.
Without her everything is just a little less.

I love her. She is my favourite and bestest. Always.
And that the safety and freedom in knowing that,
the certainty of that, is priceless and precious to me.

The roads aren't clear yet...guess we'll have to dig our way out...

There was something in your eyes that got me thinking,
that made me hold my breath,
that made me want to step right up to the edge
and stare into the abyss.
Almost as if they were daring me to jump...

I watched the way you held your own hand,
Like you were scared to let it go,
not wanting to be alone.
And all I could think was..
I'm here and mine are empty.
I've got room for two more if you need them...
And I'm pretty good at holding things,
Just not as good at letting go...

I kept noticing how you'd move your hair,
attempting to cover your face, like it offered protection.
Your movements, steady, like clockwork,
never forgetting to keep your veil up.
I wondered then who you were hiding from...
Me or you?

When I asked,
You smiled playfully and said both.
But your eyes said something else entirely...
They glistened a little, lowered themselves behind guarded lashes,
and batted away the tears that they were trying to conceal.
And when they lifted to meet mine again,
There was a sharpness to them, the way an actor ready's himself for his lines.
Then I smiled, and they softened, realizing that I wasn't here for the show.

I have no interest in the actor,
I want to meet the writer.
I want to see the original work of art,
the notes on scrap paper and the scrawled words,
scratched out, written and re-written until it breathed life..
into the one I see before me.

There was something in you're eyes that's left me thinking.

I've been here before.. and I will be again..

So let's talk about comfort zones, desire vs. instinct, curiosity vs. fear.

"Why Hello there Ms., are conflicting sides of your personality duelling it out these days?"
"Why yes! Yes kind sir, funny you should ask, they are indeed."

Some things have happened as of late that have made me stop. Pause. And take a look at myself, my heart, my life, my cautious side, my "romantic in love" emotional side, my "fuck that, you are talking too much take your clothes off and lets settle this" side, my introspective "what IS the point of all of this?" side, my fearful side, and my ever seeking and yearning to go deeper, learn more side.

So many pieces and they are all me. Working at times together for the greater good, sacrificing, compromising as they see fit, sometimes at odds, one needing something and the other needing the opposite. They call for me like children asking me to decide who's right, or who's turn it is to win.

I'm a little all over the place here, so lets start with some background.

Death.

Bang. Hit you square in the face with that one. Sorry about that. I'm clumsy at best when it comes to these things. Death unfortunately has been the theme of the week. Someone I knew passed away, too soon, too fast. When these things happen it makes me think of time. MORE than anything else in life, time gets my attention. Time is what I focus on. And how for something so infinite, there is so very little of it to go around. It's here and gone before you know it, and so are we...

It makes me think about how we all think we have time, time to do whatever we want, and if we don't get around to it well, there's always tomorrow...right? Whatever it is that we are a little shy or intimidated by, fearful of, tomorrow always seems like the best day to address it. That or being brave, or exploring or doing things in life that you allow yourself to think about, toy with, maybe even dream or fantasize about, but would never dare to actually do.. not yet anyway.. maybe later...

But what if there is no later. Death, makes me think about living. I have friends that are unsatisfied with their circumstance or in some cases their whole life, things they wish they would have done differently, things they wish they would've said yes to. And still.. they are more comfortable dwelling than doing.

Of course they are. Who isn't? It's scary, it can be, for sure, absolutely.
Committing to and following through with anything can be terrifying for some people.
You know what is scary to me? Never knowing.
Never knowing myself fully.
If I don't push myself to do the things that make me nervous, that push me out of my comfort zone, how will I ever really know? I need to know those things about me. I need to know what I'm made of, what I like, what I don't like from experience not imagination. I need to know that I will never let fear control me. That I refuse to be afraid of things I can't control, and more so refuse to be afraid of the things that are well within my power to control. Having the power to choose is a huge privilege. I don't want to take it for granted because of fear. And make no mistake, being afraid to choose so instead you sit idle, is not the same as making a choice, it's being a coward. It's living in a self made purgatory.

So I will always go big.
I will always say the words that leave me standing naked at the end of branch, hanging over a cliff, dangling in the hands of another. If my heart is in love.
I will always go at things head on, come what may.
I will kiss first and figure the rest out later.
I will always answer when love comes knocking,
because I only get one chance at this life.
I will hug it and pet it and call it George even when I know it's leaving.

And when it's over,
I will close my eyes...
And take a breath...
And let go...

And do it all again.


------






"Here Before"

Oh what a gray and hopeless day
I’ve got a worried mind
The sun’s behind the clouds again
And so am I, I ask the sky
Tell me which way to go, how will I know to shine again

I’ve been here before, I’ve seen it all
And I can’t take no more, I mean it,
I’ll go.

And this is the time, time to change to my life
Yeah these are the times, reaching up to find..

A window out,
Of doom and doubt
A remedy for agony
Oh hush that shout

I’ve been here before, I’ve seen it all
I can’t take no more, I mean it,
I’ll go.

You heard it all and more
Hearts beating, too hard

And this is the time, time to change to my life
Yeah these are the times, reaching up to find..
 
Whoa - oh
I took the wrong way home…

I’ve been here before, I’ve seen it all
I can’t take no more, I mean it,
I’ll go.

What’s this freedom for?
And this is the time, time to change to my life
Yeah these are the times, reaching up to find..

I’m reachin’ up to find
I’m reachin’ up to find
I'm reaching out…

- Lissie

Got a light?

You are by far and away,

my drug of choice.

The sweetest high a girl could have.

Smiles for miles ..

and a heart so genuine it manifests love as a corporeal reality.

How is it that you exist and share my everyday?

And so I believe in everyday Angels.

All because of my her.

And her ability to change ordinary moments into extraordinary ones.

when she's hurt she bleeds love and forgiveness because that's all she has to give.

and when she's happy her laughter is like CPR for every dying heart around her.

She saves lives.

She saved me.

She saves me.

Everyday she lights my way.

And here I'm left, hopelessly addicted.


------


"Sometimes,
I wake up
at four in the morning
and taste smoke,
in the back of my throat.

I swear to god,
you're still buring
somewhere inside of me."

- Solange

"It was a moment too precious to capture in words, too ethereal to verbally depict - my linguistics are failing me, I can't bring the balance of the world into these unsteady sentences. These words will dissipate, but the memory won't, I won't let it."

- Madison Maheni 


Tonight I let myself recall my first moments with you and I remember them exactly... to this day I still can't find the words... but I'll never forget... the way the softness in you made the world feel like a safer place.

Time to Open the Cages...

You grin, and your eyes gleam, pleased.

I feel like their staring right through me,

The way you laugh, and smile and tease,

The way it feels every time that I breathe,

Affected by your presence.

Your voice exciting and effervescent.

Making my skin tingle and insides turn.

Making me want to feel your warmth, even the burn,

Of a moment with you, in the back of a booth,

a back seat will do…

I don’t care about the venue.

Only the act.

I’ll say, "Take off your shirt; our hearts need to meet under more casual circumstances.

There’s no room for propriety in the wild.

No heart says, 'please.' And 'thank you, for taming me.'

Time to open the cages."

I want to show you the health benefits of skin on skin contact.

Touch your lips the way that tulips were meant to flower.

And make your ass mine,

Send shivers down that gorgeous spine,

And watch you quiver.

Peak your interest; until I’ve got you hook line and sink her...

Then I’ll kiss you goodnight, and give you my digits,

Until you call my name.

And you will…


------

Electric Feel

All along the western front
People line up to receive
She got the power in her hand
To shock you like you won't believe
Saw her in the amazon
With the voltage running through her skin
Standing there with nothing on
She gonna teach me how to swim

I said ooh girl
Shock me like an electric eel
Baby girl
You turn me on with your electric feel
I said ooh girl
Shock me like an electric eel
Baby girl
Turn me on with your electric feel

All along the eastern shore
Put your circuits in the sea
This is what the world is for
Making electricity
You can feel it in your mind
Oh you can do it all the time
Plug it in and change the world
You are my electric girl

Do what you feel now
Electric feel now

- MGMT

"Our hearts are wild creatures that's why our ribs are cages." - Elalusz