How do I fail thee, let me count the ways...

Today, I broke.
Down.
In two.
I broke myself.
Intentionally.
Carefully. .. I thought.
Controlled break for the greater good.
But feelings flow like chemicals in a gaseous state,
letting just a little out is virtually impossible.
With every word, the corresponding emotion blew through me like a cold wind.
And before I knew it
I was frozen, and a final simple thought,
pushed me over..
and I fell.
Shattering into a million tiny little pieces.
Again.

I broke myself today.
In an effort to be transparent,
to build something completely new,
with a strong foundation.
That meant letting go old things.
Things that had been rooted in me,
keeping me, in a lot of ways imprisoning me.

Funny I actually thought that I could do this,
break myself down, willingly,
and then pick up those pieces and
place them back carefully,
like professional bomb maker of sorts.
After all I know the lay out better than anyone...
but nothing is ever that simple.
Especially not feelings.

Today,
I failed.
I failed as a friend, as a mother, as a daughter, as a Mrs, as a wife.
I failed myself too.
And to all of you, I'm sorry.
I tried to be better, but I'm not.

Tomorrow however is another chance for me to try.
And this I promise all of you that I love and hold so dear,
I will try, my very best, to be better.
To be the friend, mother, daughter, Mrs and Wife that you deserve.

....Just give me today....to find my light again.

"Life has to end,' she said. 'Love doesn't."

"There is a sacredness in tears.
They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.
They speak more eloquently,
than ten thousand tongues.
They are the messengers of overwhelming grief...
and unspeakable love."
-Washington Irving

Remembering you is easy, its missing you so much that is the hard part...

For my love...dark things and all...

"I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries itself in the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love, a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way than this:

where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep."

- Pablo Neruda border:solid 1px white;

No More

I used to hear your voice and follow it around,

down into the dark and everywhere you went, worried if I didn't that you'd be alone again.

You used to give me pieces left over from the others,

But there were parts that you held back, to keep them undercover.

Always waiting for that someone that would give you what you wanted.

For years I waited patiently, my open heart left haunted.

But that was then and this is now, my heart's moved on,

grown strong,

and shut down... where "we" are concerned.

Time lending its consoling arms, gave me perspective, resolve in clarity,

And in breaking the ties that bound, I utter each word in sincerity,

So hear me...

We are no more.

We are a was, not an is.

My hearts not yours.

I can't be more clear than this.

I feel nothing.

I hear your voice, but I don't follow you around.

You're in the dark but I'm not coming down.

You're alone, still waiting for that someone to give you what you wanted,

But it's not me, and so you'll wait there haunted,

holding all the parts of you that you kept for yourself,

waiting for a light to shine and show you a way out.

There will be others.

They will line up at your door,

pledge all their love, loyalty and more.

Their hearts wide open, their longing growing by the hour,

And you'll drink it in, and in the end, their hearts devour.