So I decided to share a tidbit from my quirkier side. I realize this may seem weird to some of you, and to those individuals I say, "shut it. Nobody asked you to read this, Okay Judger Guy? And As if you don't have way freaken weirder shit going on anyways." So I LOVE taking baths, this stems from the fact that I have ridiculously poor circulation and therefore I am always cold. normal you say, yes but here's the quirky, I like taking baths at random houses of friends or even at parties if I'm cold. I want to secretly get into the Guinness book for this one day.
I said shut it.
ANYWAYS…
I was at an outdoor work shindig and it was blisteringly cold. Like freeze the nuts off a squirrel, Luke Skywalker hypothermic on Hoth having to cut open a friggen animal to crawl inside and cuddle with it's steaming entrails cold. I kid you not. So naturally after it was over I went to a friends to thaw by the fire and attempt to warm myself by ingesting legally reasonable amounts of alcohol. This just wasn't cutting it. I needed to be submerged in searingly hot water, preferably with high powered jets and bubbles smelling of chocolate and baked goods. To my surprise my dear host had these exact ingredients required to cure my near death condition. Although her bubbles smelled more of warm floral then chocolate, but hey, it was pretty damn close, and I don't look in gift whores mouths for anything. … disgusting, filthy whores...ouu my favorite;) (horse? I dunno but my way sounds better and makes WAY more sense.)
I just want to add here, that I like to think of myself as a Bath Critic. The same as a Food Critic or a Movie Critic. You should be so lucky as to have me in your tub. I have only the highest of hygiene standards and am a borderline germaphobe so I'm not just jumping in anybody's wash bay here. Only the upscale, and extremely clean bathtubs are even taken into consideration when making the decision venue wise for one of my Random Baths. If I walk in and you got the grime, you're done. I'm out. And there are NO second chances here my friend. I'm not the forgiving type when it comes to this area. So if I do ask to use your tub, you should be elated at the opportunity, and thrilled at the possible overnight notoriety and super stardom status that this could bring to you.
At this particular venue I had a short but amazing time.
It completely scored high on my 3C's O-Meter:
1) Clean - this is a big one. This was an immaculately clean bathroom. Kudos to you hostess.
2) Comfortable - this was officially the longest bathtub I've ever been in. It was like an Olympic swimming lane. And granted I may have been a little drunk but I swear Michael Phelps passed me during my second lap. I could have laid flat and been submerged head to toe. None of this eating your knees crap. NICE.
3) Calming - this is crucial as it is the total purpose of the random bath. To be soothed, cradled, loved by the tub. This is what you want. This is the ultimate goal. To forget that you are in a foreign tub and to feel completely at home.
I got out pink from head to toe and in complete bliss.
I give this Random Bath a whopping 9.5 rings around the tub out of possible 10.
Congratulations to the hostess, I will recommend this to all our friends.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Round and Round she goes, where she stops nobody knows..
It's like I'm gambling, just not with money but I'm addicted all the same..
I did it again, I let you in, and you bankrupt me…emotionally.
Why? I ask myself, what is it that you get when I am hurt by what you've said?
What possible pleasure could there be?
But there it is.. You enjoy it, that much is obvious to me.
You seem to need to punish me.
To control the parts that make me feel, that make me free.
And here I'm down, drowning, in debt,
You own me now, I just don't know it yet.
Maybe I can come out alive, give you the chance to fold this time.
A chance to change, to be the same, to be the one who doesn't love my pain.
But your smile tells me something else,
It tells of how you love yourself,
Your beauty is convincing and I see what I want to see.
Thinking that this time you'll make the choice that's best for me.
You hold the queen of hearts,
And I wonder if you'll play her,
In reality I agree, that not much else could take her.
You play her, no mercy and you've won but she's broken.
You think that she'll forgive you, after all she's just a token.
But you don't see that she's slipped away, that the love she had for you is at stake.
Dealt to another, in their hand she lays, and thinks of all the mistakes she's made,
This time when the game is played
You'll realize the price you've paid.
And me I got my chance to live.
A life without a heart to give.
Instead I stay, and spin the wheel,
Hoping I'll win a chance to feel.
so here I stand with open hands
and wait to see where your heart lands.
I did it again, I let you in, and you bankrupt me…emotionally.
Why? I ask myself, what is it that you get when I am hurt by what you've said?
What possible pleasure could there be?
But there it is.. You enjoy it, that much is obvious to me.
You seem to need to punish me.
To control the parts that make me feel, that make me free.
And here I'm down, drowning, in debt,
You own me now, I just don't know it yet.
Maybe I can come out alive, give you the chance to fold this time.
A chance to change, to be the same, to be the one who doesn't love my pain.
But your smile tells me something else,
It tells of how you love yourself,
Your beauty is convincing and I see what I want to see.
Thinking that this time you'll make the choice that's best for me.
You hold the queen of hearts,
And I wonder if you'll play her,
In reality I agree, that not much else could take her.
You play her, no mercy and you've won but she's broken.
You think that she'll forgive you, after all she's just a token.
But you don't see that she's slipped away, that the love she had for you is at stake.
Dealt to another, in their hand she lays, and thinks of all the mistakes she's made,
This time when the game is played
You'll realize the price you've paid.
And me I got my chance to live.
A life without a heart to give.
Instead I stay, and spin the wheel,
Hoping I'll win a chance to feel.
so here I stand with open hands
and wait to see where your heart lands.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
foot in mouth disease runs rampant yet again...
wow. men are really something.
i actually didn't intend at all on blogging about this..
i had something much more important to me emotionally, things that needed to be worked through out loud (on paper) but then out of no where, HE does it, HE comes along and now here i am on a tangent that is just screaming to be heard.
and scene:
husband in the bathroom after running on the treadmill, looking all "Hotty McFit" (yes he was sweaty too, but it was that worked out hard, muscles flexed unintentionally, clean sweat, that sweat i mind less.. but still, get your ass in the shower and we'll talk) anyways he comes into the bathroom where i am getting ready (brushing teeth, moisturizing etc) and in the interest of full disclosure I'm in self loathing mode here on the physical front. So there i am, panties and bra, preforming my nightly ritual and he walks past me all whistling and hops in the shower...
WELLL yeah i guess, I'd be whistling too, if i could run like the cop from Terminator 2 without ever training, i mean, it's practically effortless for him, and he can just drop 25 pounds in 2 months with just the power of his mind!!!!
so he says to me, "hey baby, whatcha thinking about?" followed by, "wow, do i feel great. Just a few more pounds to go"
i reply, "This is all your fault!! YOU did this to me! I had your babies and now I'm scarred for life! literally, 2 C-sections and stretch marks that look like i had flames tattooed on my stomach! Not to mention the perfectly donut shaped ring of fat that is 6" in diameter that will NEVER i repeat NEVER go away without surgical assistance!!"
He starts blabbing about how good i look, blah blah blah, trying to calm me down, yet another attempt to soothe me into submission and impregnate me and add another dozen to the donut box! (pardon my vulgarity)
anyways, I'm not buying the "i love you and you ARE skinny" pep talk, so i wander off into the bedroom and hop into bed, ready to leave it at that and let bygones be bygones when suddenly...
in walks Mr. Naked from the waist up/towel from the waist down CLEAN/HOT/FIT guy, still running his mouth about my physical appearance trying to end the conversation on a positive note (i know, I'm laughing too, it's OK)
so he starts in by saying, "you know what I look for in a woman honey?" (in my head I'm thinking, really did you just say that? your answer better be nothing, because i am a happily married man) he says," I'm looking for beautiful eyes and a full and beautiful mouth..which you have, and great breasts..which you have, and a round and beautiful butt and great legs..which you have, and you've got that other great thing that i love." (wink wink) "the rest i don't care about"
really? cause the rest is all the stuff that i am NOT happy with and it's pretty much half of my body, so that's great that you're all fine with it. I'm really F@$king happy that your world is great.
oh wait, did i forget momentarily that this conversation was about how you feel? Silly me, I thought that this was about me? about how i feel about me? i didn't realize that this whole conversation was about if you were OK with how i looked. wheww!! thank goodness, well that just changes EVERYTHING now doesn't? in that case I'm totally happy with 50% of myself too!! yay!! cheers for us and our supreme happiness with my mediocrity!! Plus it's reassuring to know that if I'm ever in an accident where I become a deformed freak and lose 50% of my body or at least the motor skills and functionality in 50% of it, you'll be OK. (well as long as it's the 50% of my body that you look for in me.)
well. excellent. now if only we had men to fix all our problems with their sensible and logical talk life would be soooo much simpler...literally.
Geez.
so i, not being able to stand much more of this "pep talk" say, "thanks honey, you're so smart, i feel better already."
and they say women always want to talk.
i actually didn't intend at all on blogging about this..
i had something much more important to me emotionally, things that needed to be worked through out loud (on paper) but then out of no where, HE does it, HE comes along and now here i am on a tangent that is just screaming to be heard.
and scene:
husband in the bathroom after running on the treadmill, looking all "Hotty McFit" (yes he was sweaty too, but it was that worked out hard, muscles flexed unintentionally, clean sweat, that sweat i mind less.. but still, get your ass in the shower and we'll talk) anyways he comes into the bathroom where i am getting ready (brushing teeth, moisturizing etc) and in the interest of full disclosure I'm in self loathing mode here on the physical front. So there i am, panties and bra, preforming my nightly ritual and he walks past me all whistling and hops in the shower...
WELLL yeah i guess, I'd be whistling too, if i could run like the cop from Terminator 2 without ever training, i mean, it's practically effortless for him, and he can just drop 25 pounds in 2 months with just the power of his mind!!!!
so he says to me, "hey baby, whatcha thinking about?" followed by, "wow, do i feel great. Just a few more pounds to go"
i reply, "This is all your fault!! YOU did this to me! I had your babies and now I'm scarred for life! literally, 2 C-sections and stretch marks that look like i had flames tattooed on my stomach! Not to mention the perfectly donut shaped ring of fat that is 6" in diameter that will NEVER i repeat NEVER go away without surgical assistance!!"
He starts blabbing about how good i look, blah blah blah, trying to calm me down, yet another attempt to soothe me into submission and impregnate me and add another dozen to the donut box! (pardon my vulgarity)
anyways, I'm not buying the "i love you and you ARE skinny" pep talk, so i wander off into the bedroom and hop into bed, ready to leave it at that and let bygones be bygones when suddenly...
in walks Mr. Naked from the waist up/towel from the waist down CLEAN/HOT/FIT guy, still running his mouth about my physical appearance trying to end the conversation on a positive note (i know, I'm laughing too, it's OK)
so he starts in by saying, "you know what I look for in a woman honey?" (in my head I'm thinking, really did you just say that? your answer better be nothing, because i am a happily married man) he says," I'm looking for beautiful eyes and a full and beautiful mouth..which you have, and great breasts..which you have, and a round and beautiful butt and great legs..which you have, and you've got that other great thing that i love." (wink wink) "the rest i don't care about"
really? cause the rest is all the stuff that i am NOT happy with and it's pretty much half of my body, so that's great that you're all fine with it. I'm really F@$king happy that your world is great.
oh wait, did i forget momentarily that this conversation was about how you feel? Silly me, I thought that this was about me? about how i feel about me? i didn't realize that this whole conversation was about if you were OK with how i looked. wheww!! thank goodness, well that just changes EVERYTHING now doesn't? in that case I'm totally happy with 50% of myself too!! yay!! cheers for us and our supreme happiness with my mediocrity!! Plus it's reassuring to know that if I'm ever in an accident where I become a deformed freak and lose 50% of my body or at least the motor skills and functionality in 50% of it, you'll be OK. (well as long as it's the 50% of my body that you look for in me.)
well. excellent. now if only we had men to fix all our problems with their sensible and logical talk life would be soooo much simpler...literally.
Geez.
so i, not being able to stand much more of this "pep talk" say, "thanks honey, you're so smart, i feel better already."
and they say women always want to talk.
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