So emotional me is back this month, thank you mother nature for the gift that just keeps on giving! And here i was feeling bad that I didn't get you anything. Guess I'm just a bitch like that, but then again, that's what you made me.
Ahh, but I digress. As I was saying... I'm at a heightened state of sensitivity, a "code yellow" if you will. A giant dam, ready to burst at the wrong word, or tone of voice. It's crazy actually, I would even go so far as to say it's a form of mild and temporary insanity.
Example #1: Last night, I walked into my daughters room to put away some laundry, literally right as I stepped into her room, I felt an instantaneous mood shift. I suddenly realized that I was all alone (kids asleep, husband working), and the house was quiet and I immediately was overwhelmed by all these feelings of being tired, ragged, emotionally weighed down by so much responsibility that it turned into a tangible physical weight. I sat down and tears began to pour out of my eyes. I felt unknown, alone, and beaten. You start to think these completely irrational thoughts, not on purpose, they just come on their own, out of the blue. Things like:
I'm not enough.
I'm a failure.
I'm alone, no one really knows me, understands me.
Was this what I was really supposed to do with my life?
Is this who I was supposed to be?
Did I make the wrong decision, the wrong choice?
I wish that I could just go to sleep and this would all go away.
Just hide...from myself.
Now I'm not saying that these are your exact thoughts. They are just some common ones, but I am saying that everyone has these moments, these thoughts, and anyone who tells you different is lying, either to you or themselves.
These thoughts are scary, really scary. They can undermine everything, twist everything. You have to be really careful. I can see how anyone, if they aren't aware of the origins of the contributing factors, can be hit by the "Perfect Storm" emotionally speaking and be swept away...give in and ..give up. I have to always keep at the forefront of my mind that it's just a moment. And it will pass. Things will be better again, and I won't feel this way forever. That God is always with me and that I am a mental temp because it is His will to allow it, and then He won't give me more than I can endure.
wow. tangent. Anyways, last night I did what I do when I'm totally and completely desperate.. . I called my one and only BFF.. and left a message like a crazy. But the truth is that just hearing her voice (even automated), the voice of someone who knows and cares about me, the voice of another female that I know can be at least a fraction as mental as me, made me feel ok. Made me feel better, hopeful. Most importantly it allowed me to breathe again. When I feel like I did last night, it's like Mike Tyson punched me straight shot, and my chest just caved in under the force of it. It's like a super vortex, a black hole, a vacuum that just sucks up all that shit and keeps it inside, suffocating me, leaving no room for air. And the moment that I decided to make the call, to be weak, it felt like I could breathe again.
So today was a better day, I felt better. I was craving vanilla soft serve in a waffle cone. A nutrient my body was clearly lacking, so I indulged. In fact I feel much better, because it apparently is also a mood elevator. who knew?
No comments:
Post a Comment