I'm in the process of doing something BIG or at lease what I would consider a fairly "BIG" deal anyway. It's actually been one of my life long dreams to complete and now I've started the ball rolling so to speak!!
"YAY!! but what the crap does this have to do with us?", i know that this is what you are all thinking. And unfortunately at this point in time i'm not at liberty to divulge that information. However it will all become known in a relatively short amount of time so bare with me. In the interim, my blog's post/content has been somewhat edited temporarily.
I thank you in advance for your understanding and support.
peace out.
(i've always wanted to end like that, just in a super nerdy way, socially contridictory to my uncool appearance. i love it. i know, i'm sick, i have a disease and need to seek psychiatric help. i'm aware, i'm aware.)
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Decisions Decisions
"Oh, hello there Confusion, have you seen my Old Me? I put her right here so I could go take a pee. And She seems to have run off. What's that you say? She walked out with Self Confidence, that damn sly Mr. So! She's gone off and left me here waiting you know."
Waiting for laughter and all that she brings, and she's out and about doing all sorts of things. I guess I never was that much fun, worried New Me, hanging out here, with my friend Misery. Misery's calm, She's introspective and free. But as calm as She is, what a bitch She can be. She's very attached and can be overwhelming With all of her crying, and sulking and yelling. That's why I need Old Me, She knew how to roll. She always told Misery right where to go! When I needed a shoulder she be up for the lean, When I needed a kick in the pants, she was mean. But mostly I loved her because she was easy, We'd talk for hours and she was never too busy.
And now she's run off with Self Confidence? Ever since they met, her words never mince. She's told me before and has said it again, "Let Misery go and let me back in." That She won't make the time to sit and compete, when I'm taking my time and dragging my feet. She told me straight out that,"Misery's no friend, and if you weren't so hooked, that you'd see that …
And end it."
So I must make a choice of this I'm certain, but how do you let go of Misery when you're hurting?
Old Me awaits me somewhere out there, with Self Confidence by her side and an invitation to share.
Do I do it, do I dare, let go of the comforts of all that I know?
"Confusion can you stop for a second and help me let go?"
"Confusion?"
"Hello?"
Waiting for laughter and all that she brings, and she's out and about doing all sorts of things. I guess I never was that much fun, worried New Me, hanging out here, with my friend Misery. Misery's calm, She's introspective and free. But as calm as She is, what a bitch She can be. She's very attached and can be overwhelming With all of her crying, and sulking and yelling. That's why I need Old Me, She knew how to roll. She always told Misery right where to go! When I needed a shoulder she be up for the lean, When I needed a kick in the pants, she was mean. But mostly I loved her because she was easy, We'd talk for hours and she was never too busy.
And now she's run off with Self Confidence? Ever since they met, her words never mince. She's told me before and has said it again, "Let Misery go and let me back in." That She won't make the time to sit and compete, when I'm taking my time and dragging my feet. She told me straight out that,"Misery's no friend, and if you weren't so hooked, that you'd see that …
And end it."
So I must make a choice of this I'm certain, but how do you let go of Misery when you're hurting?
Old Me awaits me somewhere out there, with Self Confidence by her side and an invitation to share.
Do I do it, do I dare, let go of the comforts of all that I know?
"Confusion can you stop for a second and help me let go?"
"Confusion?"
"Hello?"
Monday, July 12, 2010
Oh the shame of it all!!
Well .. I did it. I've become what I loathe. A walking talking Blackberry user.
Here I am on my knee's ready to take my public verbal "caning" if you will.
As many of you know, I've voiced my disgust with the Crackberry users, unable to maintain a focused conversation with anyone but their electronic LOVER. Those friends that read emails and text while you are actually speaking to them, the ones that get all fidgety the moment it notifies them that they have a message waiting or someone calling. It's like they go crazy. Seriously, it's an addiction I swear. My favourite is when they almost completely tune you out and try to pretend like they're still listening, all the while nervously glancing at their phone and answering questions you didn't even ask. It's rude and insulting. And frankly it drives me insane. So I vowed to never get one....
Today the universe decided to make me eat those words. My perfectly great LG plain Jane, easy to operate phone, (that I love) died. Out of no where, without warning, the screen just went black and never recovered. I have no house phone and two children under the age of 5. I need a phone. .. NOW. So I take a fun and exciting trip down to the local cell phone contract store and low and behold the girl is actually incredibly helpful. That being said, she can't help me out of the 14 months left on my contract or give me a replacement without charging me the penalties($400 plus), unless.....
Yep, you guessed it. If I upgrade my phone to a Blackberry, they will wave the fees and give me a "loyalty"credit (since when is extortion considered an act of loyalty?), and it'll cost me $60 with a free case at a $40 value so that's like only paying $20. She was great at math. But that was only with the Blackberry, any other phone and I was going to have to:
A) take out a loan, or
B) pawn some jewelry (which I would have to steal first as mine is all fake).
As option A is undesirable and option B, while filled with the possibility of intrigue and adventure, what with the hobnobbing with the criminal underbelly and such, is very labor intensive. And unfortunately I have a severe allergy to labor of any kind. I weighed my options and choose to give up my sworn vow against the Blackberry in favor of the mighty dollar.
And so I prostrate myself before you, and will take the punishment (verbal abuse) that I so richly deserve. That being said, I'd prefer if you'd all just shut you pie holes and mind your business. I don't go round asking about your shit.
p.s. Does anyone out there know how the hell to use these things?? Like geez, I don't want to program the fricken space shuttle launch here, I just want to make a phone call!!
Here I am on my knee's ready to take my public verbal "caning" if you will.
As many of you know, I've voiced my disgust with the Crackberry users, unable to maintain a focused conversation with anyone but their electronic LOVER. Those friends that read emails and text while you are actually speaking to them, the ones that get all fidgety the moment it notifies them that they have a message waiting or someone calling. It's like they go crazy. Seriously, it's an addiction I swear. My favourite is when they almost completely tune you out and try to pretend like they're still listening, all the while nervously glancing at their phone and answering questions you didn't even ask. It's rude and insulting. And frankly it drives me insane. So I vowed to never get one....
Today the universe decided to make me eat those words. My perfectly great LG plain Jane, easy to operate phone, (that I love) died. Out of no where, without warning, the screen just went black and never recovered. I have no house phone and two children under the age of 5. I need a phone. .. NOW. So I take a fun and exciting trip down to the local cell phone contract store and low and behold the girl is actually incredibly helpful. That being said, she can't help me out of the 14 months left on my contract or give me a replacement without charging me the penalties($400 plus), unless.....
Yep, you guessed it. If I upgrade my phone to a Blackberry, they will wave the fees and give me a "loyalty"credit (since when is extortion considered an act of loyalty?), and it'll cost me $60 with a free case at a $40 value so that's like only paying $20. She was great at math. But that was only with the Blackberry, any other phone and I was going to have to:
A) take out a loan, or
B) pawn some jewelry (which I would have to steal first as mine is all fake).
As option A is undesirable and option B, while filled with the possibility of intrigue and adventure, what with the hobnobbing with the criminal underbelly and such, is very labor intensive. And unfortunately I have a severe allergy to labor of any kind. I weighed my options and choose to give up my sworn vow against the Blackberry in favor of the mighty dollar.
And so I prostrate myself before you, and will take the punishment (verbal abuse) that I so richly deserve. That being said, I'd prefer if you'd all just shut you pie holes and mind your business. I don't go round asking about your shit.
p.s. Does anyone out there know how the hell to use these things?? Like geez, I don't want to program the fricken space shuttle launch here, I just want to make a phone call!!
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
A subtle reminder to Ye my many friends and followers
Today is now officially July 7. And this being so makes today my VERY MERRY 6 Month UNBIRTHDAY!!! As you all know I love to celebrate all my unbirthdays almost as much as my real birthday. So drinks are on me!! ouuu..FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN!!!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Less Loonie with a Toonie: The Upside to Needing People and Other Vulnerable Admitions made possible by Mother Nature
So emotional me is back this month, thank you mother nature for the gift that just keeps on giving! And here i was feeling bad that I didn't get you anything. Guess I'm just a bitch like that, but then again, that's what you made me.
Ahh, but I digress. As I was saying... I'm at a heightened state of sensitivity, a "code yellow" if you will. A giant dam, ready to burst at the wrong word, or tone of voice. It's crazy actually, I would even go so far as to say it's a form of mild and temporary insanity.
Example #1: Last night, I walked into my daughters room to put away some laundry, literally right as I stepped into her room, I felt an instantaneous mood shift. I suddenly realized that I was all alone (kids asleep, husband working), and the house was quiet and I immediately was overwhelmed by all these feelings of being tired, ragged, emotionally weighed down by so much responsibility that it turned into a tangible physical weight. I sat down and tears began to pour out of my eyes. I felt unknown, alone, and beaten. You start to think these completely irrational thoughts, not on purpose, they just come on their own, out of the blue. Things like:
I'm not enough.
I'm a failure.
I'm alone, no one really knows me, understands me.
Was this what I was really supposed to do with my life?
Is this who I was supposed to be?
Did I make the wrong decision, the wrong choice?
I wish that I could just go to sleep and this would all go away.
Just hide...from myself.
Now I'm not saying that these are your exact thoughts. They are just some common ones, but I am saying that everyone has these moments, these thoughts, and anyone who tells you different is lying, either to you or themselves.
These thoughts are scary, really scary. They can undermine everything, twist everything. You have to be really careful. I can see how anyone, if they aren't aware of the origins of the contributing factors, can be hit by the "Perfect Storm" emotionally speaking and be swept away...give in and ..give up. I have to always keep at the forefront of my mind that it's just a moment. And it will pass. Things will be better again, and I won't feel this way forever. That God is always with me and that I am a mental temp because it is His will to allow it, and then He won't give me more than I can endure.
wow. tangent. Anyways, last night I did what I do when I'm totally and completely desperate.. . I called my one and only BFF.. and left a message like a crazy. But the truth is that just hearing her voice (even automated), the voice of someone who knows and cares about me, the voice of another female that I know can be at least a fraction as mental as me, made me feel ok. Made me feel better, hopeful. Most importantly it allowed me to breathe again. When I feel like I did last night, it's like Mike Tyson punched me straight shot, and my chest just caved in under the force of it. It's like a super vortex, a black hole, a vacuum that just sucks up all that shit and keeps it inside, suffocating me, leaving no room for air. And the moment that I decided to make the call, to be weak, it felt like I could breathe again.
So today was a better day, I felt better. I was craving vanilla soft serve in a waffle cone. A nutrient my body was clearly lacking, so I indulged. In fact I feel much better, because it apparently is also a mood elevator. who knew?
Ahh, but I digress. As I was saying... I'm at a heightened state of sensitivity, a "code yellow" if you will. A giant dam, ready to burst at the wrong word, or tone of voice. It's crazy actually, I would even go so far as to say it's a form of mild and temporary insanity.
Example #1: Last night, I walked into my daughters room to put away some laundry, literally right as I stepped into her room, I felt an instantaneous mood shift. I suddenly realized that I was all alone (kids asleep, husband working), and the house was quiet and I immediately was overwhelmed by all these feelings of being tired, ragged, emotionally weighed down by so much responsibility that it turned into a tangible physical weight. I sat down and tears began to pour out of my eyes. I felt unknown, alone, and beaten. You start to think these completely irrational thoughts, not on purpose, they just come on their own, out of the blue. Things like:
I'm not enough.
I'm a failure.
I'm alone, no one really knows me, understands me.
Was this what I was really supposed to do with my life?
Is this who I was supposed to be?
Did I make the wrong decision, the wrong choice?
I wish that I could just go to sleep and this would all go away.
Just hide...from myself.
Now I'm not saying that these are your exact thoughts. They are just some common ones, but I am saying that everyone has these moments, these thoughts, and anyone who tells you different is lying, either to you or themselves.
These thoughts are scary, really scary. They can undermine everything, twist everything. You have to be really careful. I can see how anyone, if they aren't aware of the origins of the contributing factors, can be hit by the "Perfect Storm" emotionally speaking and be swept away...give in and ..give up. I have to always keep at the forefront of my mind that it's just a moment. And it will pass. Things will be better again, and I won't feel this way forever. That God is always with me and that I am a mental temp because it is His will to allow it, and then He won't give me more than I can endure.
wow. tangent. Anyways, last night I did what I do when I'm totally and completely desperate.. . I called my one and only BFF.. and left a message like a crazy. But the truth is that just hearing her voice (even automated), the voice of someone who knows and cares about me, the voice of another female that I know can be at least a fraction as mental as me, made me feel ok. Made me feel better, hopeful. Most importantly it allowed me to breathe again. When I feel like I did last night, it's like Mike Tyson punched me straight shot, and my chest just caved in under the force of it. It's like a super vortex, a black hole, a vacuum that just sucks up all that shit and keeps it inside, suffocating me, leaving no room for air. And the moment that I decided to make the call, to be weak, it felt like I could breathe again.
So today was a better day, I felt better. I was craving vanilla soft serve in a waffle cone. A nutrient my body was clearly lacking, so I indulged. In fact I feel much better, because it apparently is also a mood elevator. who knew?
The Recipe for a Happy Me...is You
Ingredients:
1 Part Me
1 Part You
1 teaspoon patience.
2 buckets full of laughter
2 hearts with the capacity for love
A little bit of Dough $$$
A dash of sarcasm
Directions:
Place ingredients in dimly lit room with appropriate music, add wine and heat slowly until combined.
I'm all over the map when I'm not with you,
I lie and I deny, but my heart knows it's true.
I'm bitchy and neurotic, I'm empty, in the dark.
I look around for something to fill me with that spark
But it's impossible…..
And, I know…
There's nothing even close to what your light illuminates.
The subtle invitation of excitement that you create.
The way you manifest a better version of the world.
Making me believe that I could be a better girl.
But it's impossible ....
And, I know…
What a messy mix, this recipe for love..
Any other person would've had enough.
But I still follow it, and knead it, bend it and beat it.
No matter how burnt it is, in the end I'll keep it.
It's impossible...
And, I know…
The one thing that I know is that there are many flavors in this life.
For me you are the sweetness and my little dash of spice.
You're all my favorite things, in one perfect little pack.
As long as you are with me, my life will never lack.
So as impossible… as this may be.
It's fairly easy, for me to see,
That there are no other options.
This, I know...
1 Part Me
1 Part You
1 teaspoon patience.
2 buckets full of laughter
2 hearts with the capacity for love
A little bit of Dough $$$
A dash of sarcasm
Directions:
Place ingredients in dimly lit room with appropriate music, add wine and heat slowly until combined.
I'm all over the map when I'm not with you,
I lie and I deny, but my heart knows it's true.
I'm bitchy and neurotic, I'm empty, in the dark.
I look around for something to fill me with that spark
But it's impossible…..
And, I know…
There's nothing even close to what your light illuminates.
The subtle invitation of excitement that you create.
The way you manifest a better version of the world.
Making me believe that I could be a better girl.
But it's impossible ....
And, I know…
What a messy mix, this recipe for love..
Any other person would've had enough.
But I still follow it, and knead it, bend it and beat it.
No matter how burnt it is, in the end I'll keep it.
It's impossible...
And, I know…
The one thing that I know is that there are many flavors in this life.
For me you are the sweetness and my little dash of spice.
You're all my favorite things, in one perfect little pack.
As long as you are with me, my life will never lack.
So as impossible… as this may be.
It's fairly easy, for me to see,
That there are no other options.
This, I know...
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