have you ever been hopeful? happy in a moment? thinking of something, looking forward to something maybe, or time, with someone? yeah me too. It's a great feeling, just content, easy breathing with an edge of excitement underlying. maybe even just a little of that tummy tickle at the prospect of it?
and then have you had someone come along and crush it? kick you straight shot in the emotional gut. it takes no effort on their part, no thought. but there you are sucking wind, literally almost. feeling that thick disappointment as you swallow whatever's left of your pride.
the best are the residual thoughts,'fuck it. i'm done. that's the last time i get set up like an idiot.' yep. nothing like losing the desire to try. to make an effort. Not really sure even why i give a shit anymore, or for that matter why it even surprises me. i should see it coming every time, i hesitate, so i guess in reality i kinda do, but that whole "objects in the mirror are closer than they appear" thing is more applicable than i give it credit for.
i think that this exact reason is why i'm non-committal.
don't commit + don't connect = don't get sucker punched in the heart + don't feel stupid.
seems like easy enough math. now to apply it tangibly.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Parenting: Public Incident #106
The other day, I, being the loving mother that I am, picked up a gently used playschool kitchen for the kiddies. There I was patting myself on the back for capitalizing on a friends frustration and getting a steal of a deal. $20 big ones, I kid you not. For those of you who have not had the time or inclination to check out the retail cost of one of these suckers, it's around $250. BRUTAL right, I know, I know, and that was exactly why I was high on the buy!!
Now for the wee little glitch. No food, no plates, cutlery etc. Well, I say no problemo! C'mon lets just hop in the car, hit up the Self-help (our local second hand store) and pick up some cheap plastic dishes, as for fake food, we happened to have some, and there is always more at the Dollarstore. (nothing but the best for my babies:)
So my son and I hop in the CRV and peel out of the driveway, hot on a mission to find some more deals. We get there and I gave my normal speech, "Now mind your manners, no yelling, and don't touch the breakables." After that we head in. Now you have to remember that my oldest is 4.5 yrs and VERY dramatic. Like memorizes and acts out the ShamWow and SlapChop commercials. Recites verbatim lines from his favourite Disney movies, as well as the Dempsters whole grains commercial. He is almost always "ON" unless asleep.
In we go, and Action: We are walking between the movie isles and male child#1 says, "hello stranger, hello stranger" to every single person that goes past us. Thus begins "the looks". (also notable mention: he is apparently unable to control the volume of his voice. He projects like a 90yr old with their hearing aid turned off so they yell even louder, like they think you can't hear either.) All of a sudden he decides to kick it into high gear and really get into character, so the next poor old man that walks past gets, "hi stranger" followed by,"oh mommy!! it's a stranger, hold me hold me!!" (insert mock scared child's voice) This guy looks over at me with the "I didn't do anything look" and then gets laced into by his wife,"Harry, what did you do to that little boy?! Stop being so scary! Dammit what'd ya say to him?" she grabs her husband and pulls him into the nearest isle to berate and interrogate him in private.
I say in a quiet voice,"Ahhhh, c'mon let's move, and look for those dishes." later I whisper, "maybe you could just say hi instead of hi stranger." His response,"well i don't know his name mom, and he is a stranger, so I can't talk to him to ask him, cause you told me not to talk to strangers. So what? what am I posta do here huh? you tell me."
Really? catch-22, so I deflected and we continued to make our way to the dish section.
A few steps later we found ourselves in the book section. (the scene here is this: me, my son, behind him an overweight middle aged man with bad skin and worse dandruff thumbing through an Oprah magazine and a older woman dressed very conservatively, with a ton of make-up and brilliantly white hair looking at gardening books) All of a sudden my son's little kid ears pick up on the sound of something ever so slight. His eyes widen and he raises his already loud voice, "Mommy???" he says, his voice laced with judgement and disapproval,"Did you just Fart!!!" I could instantly feel the heat in my cheeks as the man and woman turned to stare at me over their shoulders. "Ughhh, No. I did not." I say in a low voice. "Well who did?" He says. "Cause I heard it! Just now! And it wasn't me!!" I'm stifling a giggle and trying to be parental slash put the Kibosh on this line of questioning. "Um you know what, I don't think that's what you heard, I think that it was probably a chair leg squeaking on the floor or something, c'mon let's go." But he wouldn't be shrugged off that easily. "No way mom. It was a fart for sure!" then lifting up both thumbs and pointing in opposing directions at the individuals who at this point are staring right at us, he says, "If it wasn't us, then it had to be one of these guys!" Wellllll...now I guess everyone was embarrassed, because I've never seen two adults heads whip up, look accusingly at each other and then turn away and stare straight ahead at nothing that quickly before in my life.
At this point, I just turned my back and walked briskly to the household section, yelling over my shoulder, "See you later turtle,you're too slow, I'm leaving you here." and of course he ran after me like a bat out of hell.
why didn't I just do that in the first place? wow. Well at least I know for next time. We got in the car and had a talk about the importance of whispering in stores about all bathroom related matters.
This parenting thing is one crazy ride. The mundane can turn exciting within seconds without any notice. Beware.
Now for the wee little glitch. No food, no plates, cutlery etc. Well, I say no problemo! C'mon lets just hop in the car, hit up the Self-help (our local second hand store) and pick up some cheap plastic dishes, as for fake food, we happened to have some, and there is always more at the Dollarstore. (nothing but the best for my babies:)
So my son and I hop in the CRV and peel out of the driveway, hot on a mission to find some more deals. We get there and I gave my normal speech, "Now mind your manners, no yelling, and don't touch the breakables." After that we head in. Now you have to remember that my oldest is 4.5 yrs and VERY dramatic. Like memorizes and acts out the ShamWow and SlapChop commercials. Recites verbatim lines from his favourite Disney movies, as well as the Dempsters whole grains commercial. He is almost always "ON" unless asleep.
In we go, and Action: We are walking between the movie isles and male child#1 says, "hello stranger, hello stranger" to every single person that goes past us. Thus begins "the looks". (also notable mention: he is apparently unable to control the volume of his voice. He projects like a 90yr old with their hearing aid turned off so they yell even louder, like they think you can't hear either.) All of a sudden he decides to kick it into high gear and really get into character, so the next poor old man that walks past gets, "hi stranger" followed by,"oh mommy!! it's a stranger, hold me hold me!!" (insert mock scared child's voice) This guy looks over at me with the "I didn't do anything look" and then gets laced into by his wife,"Harry, what did you do to that little boy?! Stop being so scary! Dammit what'd ya say to him?" she grabs her husband and pulls him into the nearest isle to berate and interrogate him in private.
I say in a quiet voice,"Ahhhh, c'mon let's move, and look for those dishes." later I whisper, "maybe you could just say hi instead of hi stranger." His response,"well i don't know his name mom, and he is a stranger, so I can't talk to him to ask him, cause you told me not to talk to strangers. So what? what am I posta do here huh? you tell me."
Really? catch-22, so I deflected and we continued to make our way to the dish section.
A few steps later we found ourselves in the book section. (the scene here is this: me, my son, behind him an overweight middle aged man with bad skin and worse dandruff thumbing through an Oprah magazine and a older woman dressed very conservatively, with a ton of make-up and brilliantly white hair looking at gardening books) All of a sudden my son's little kid ears pick up on the sound of something ever so slight. His eyes widen and he raises his already loud voice, "Mommy???" he says, his voice laced with judgement and disapproval,"Did you just Fart!!!" I could instantly feel the heat in my cheeks as the man and woman turned to stare at me over their shoulders. "Ughhh, No. I did not." I say in a low voice. "Well who did?" He says. "Cause I heard it! Just now! And it wasn't me!!" I'm stifling a giggle and trying to be parental slash put the Kibosh on this line of questioning. "Um you know what, I don't think that's what you heard, I think that it was probably a chair leg squeaking on the floor or something, c'mon let's go." But he wouldn't be shrugged off that easily. "No way mom. It was a fart for sure!" then lifting up both thumbs and pointing in opposing directions at the individuals who at this point are staring right at us, he says, "If it wasn't us, then it had to be one of these guys!" Wellllll...now I guess everyone was embarrassed, because I've never seen two adults heads whip up, look accusingly at each other and then turn away and stare straight ahead at nothing that quickly before in my life.
At this point, I just turned my back and walked briskly to the household section, yelling over my shoulder, "See you later turtle,you're too slow, I'm leaving you here." and of course he ran after me like a bat out of hell.
why didn't I just do that in the first place? wow. Well at least I know for next time. We got in the car and had a talk about the importance of whispering in stores about all bathroom related matters.
This parenting thing is one crazy ride. The mundane can turn exciting within seconds without any notice. Beware.
Monday, May 17, 2010
i love summer. love it. i'm a total whore for summer!! there, i said it. for years the sun and i have had our differences, but today was a break through for us. I had a fabulous afternoon, at the park, taking in the day and the sun. Granted the company played a part. It makes a total difference on your mindframe if you are in the company of someone who is easy, and light about everything. That positive happy just rubs off, you can't help but catch a little. And these days my friends, a little goes a long way. So i figured i'd take a moment to commemorate the little bit of happy that was sharred with me today, before i partake in a summer beverage to toast my new truce with the sun! Between you and me i think that i got a little sun already, i know, i told you, i'm a summer whore, and apparently the sun just gives it away, so it's not all me;)
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Down the rabbit hole ...
Today, actually lately, the last couple of days anyway, I've been a little lost. I know we've all been there, and I'm sure I should find that comforting, but I'm there now, and I don't. Today I thought to myself that somewhere along the way I gave away this piece of me, this integral, this quintessential, piece of me. Of course i did it in the name of love. but more importantly at the time, I did it unconditionally, and oblivious to how much of myself went along with that act. only now, years later do I fully see the culmination of all of my decisions to change.. to concede.. to compromise, a little, everyday. You never know how much love will take from you if you let it.
but you want to right? I wanted to.. I thought that's how this all worked. "sure, I get it, hurt a little now, and in the end there's the big pay off. it's worth it." Just give a little... just give in a little. Be a little less, critical, be a little less needy, be a little less demanding, expect a little less. be a little less.. you. Be a little more, patient, be a little more accommodating, be a little more available, be a little more giving. give give give, more love, more time, more support, more of you. .. Until all that's left is a little less...
I wanted to. I thought that I was doing ok. my best actually. somewhere in there I did it. I gave me away, and realized too late that the woman typing here today, is missing an important piece. The piece of me that doesn't need anyone else to make her feel whole. The piece of me that remembers what it was like to feel strong, self assured, and content in knowing that even if no one else in the world loved me, it would still be ok, because I loved me. Because I know that no one else can make me happy, no one else can fill me, no amount of love will ever be enough, if I don't love me, believe in me, first.
I've been striving to maintain these relationships, trying to be the person that I thought that I was supposed to be, meet the needs of the people that I love. but in the end I let their needs and expectations shape me instead of my own, changing the person I was, the person that they loved in the first place, into the person i am now. Now they are all left looking for that person that I used to be, and so am I...
so I decided today that the first step in getting that part of me back is to let somethings go. things that I've been holding onto for too long.. it's never easy is it.
but you want to right? I wanted to.. I thought that's how this all worked. "sure, I get it, hurt a little now, and in the end there's the big pay off. it's worth it." Just give a little... just give in a little. Be a little less, critical, be a little less needy, be a little less demanding, expect a little less. be a little less.. you. Be a little more, patient, be a little more accommodating, be a little more available, be a little more giving. give give give, more love, more time, more support, more of you. .. Until all that's left is a little less...
I wanted to. I thought that I was doing ok. my best actually. somewhere in there I did it. I gave me away, and realized too late that the woman typing here today, is missing an important piece. The piece of me that doesn't need anyone else to make her feel whole. The piece of me that remembers what it was like to feel strong, self assured, and content in knowing that even if no one else in the world loved me, it would still be ok, because I loved me. Because I know that no one else can make me happy, no one else can fill me, no amount of love will ever be enough, if I don't love me, believe in me, first.
I've been striving to maintain these relationships, trying to be the person that I thought that I was supposed to be, meet the needs of the people that I love. but in the end I let their needs and expectations shape me instead of my own, changing the person I was, the person that they loved in the first place, into the person i am now. Now they are all left looking for that person that I used to be, and so am I...
so I decided today that the first step in getting that part of me back is to let somethings go. things that I've been holding onto for too long.. it's never easy is it.
Possession
You are in my blood.
A vital part of me.
I can feel you move,
Circulate around in me,
Flowing up and down through me.
You are in my head.
Owning what you want of me.
Swaying back and forth,
Moving through the doors in the home that you possess,
Revisiting the memories inside your treasure chest.
As you go from room to room,
Taking in your property,
Thinking of your asking price
For purchasing my sanity,
I hear you whispering all the things
You wanted to, but couldn't bring,
Inside your home for fear of losing everything…
Instead you kept it clean and vacant,
Thinking that you couldn't take it,
If one day you did something,
to in the end destroy and break it.
But I am me, and you are too,
Your memories are living proof,
That in your home, you'll always be,
Owning and possessing me
And nothing you can bring will break us,
Because my love for you sustains us.
A vital part of me.
I can feel you move,
Circulate around in me,
Flowing up and down through me.
You are in my head.
Owning what you want of me.
Swaying back and forth,
Moving through the doors in the home that you possess,
Revisiting the memories inside your treasure chest.
As you go from room to room,
Taking in your property,
Thinking of your asking price
For purchasing my sanity,
I hear you whispering all the things
You wanted to, but couldn't bring,
Inside your home for fear of losing everything…
Instead you kept it clean and vacant,
Thinking that you couldn't take it,
If one day you did something,
to in the end destroy and break it.
But I am me, and you are too,
Your memories are living proof,
That in your home, you'll always be,
Owning and possessing me
And nothing you can bring will break us,
Because my love for you sustains us.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Free front row tickets to the Freakshow
Get ready to pat me on the back for another outstanding job well done!! Mere moments ago I was in what I thought, was the privacy of my own living room, enjoying one of life's simple liberties. I should say thoroughly enjoying.. and the liberty that I am referring to is Freedom. I had just cleaned up after supper, the boys went to the park to burn off the crazy in their veins, leaving my daughter and I alone to bond. And so we did what all girls do when the mood strikes, we turned up some really great tunes, (ballads in this case) and we let loose. Now remember my daughter is only one and doesn't talk yet, she just howls along.(in tune surprisingly)
So picture us: Me holding my baby girl, dancing around like an idiot, singing. Like I mean really belting it out, like I'm Cher on a Navy vessel circa Summer 1989. Wooden spoon microphone and all.
Suddenly I get that feeling, you know the one where you think some one's watching you? And sure enough, I look up to see the neighbor kid on his BMX staring at me, jaw gaping, a confused expression on his face and those big eyes. The ones you give when you see a TOTAL FREAKSHOW. Yep this poor kid had front row tickets! oh the embarrassment. I felt the heat in my cheeks instantly. Then I jumped at the blinds like a spidermonkey shot out of a cannon!! "QUICK" I said to myself, "SHUT THE BLINDS!!". I got to them in time to see his eyes widen with fear. He probably thought I was going to attack him, or worse tie him up and make him a captive audience.
As if it wasn't too late already. I mean it's not like he knows where I live or something? I'm an idiot.
After that I just needed to burn off a little crazy myself, so I played something a little more angst appropriate and rocked out with my Pat Benatar impersonation.
So picture us: Me holding my baby girl, dancing around like an idiot, singing. Like I mean really belting it out, like I'm Cher on a Navy vessel circa Summer 1989. Wooden spoon microphone and all.
Suddenly I get that feeling, you know the one where you think some one's watching you? And sure enough, I look up to see the neighbor kid on his BMX staring at me, jaw gaping, a confused expression on his face and those big eyes. The ones you give when you see a TOTAL FREAKSHOW. Yep this poor kid had front row tickets! oh the embarrassment. I felt the heat in my cheeks instantly. Then I jumped at the blinds like a spidermonkey shot out of a cannon!! "QUICK" I said to myself, "SHUT THE BLINDS!!". I got to them in time to see his eyes widen with fear. He probably thought I was going to attack him, or worse tie him up and make him a captive audience.
As if it wasn't too late already. I mean it's not like he knows where I live or something? I'm an idiot.
After that I just needed to burn off a little crazy myself, so I played something a little more angst appropriate and rocked out with my Pat Benatar impersonation.
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