Today... for a little while, you were here again, with me. I felt you in the air, all around me. You sat next to me and I talked to you about the million little things that I miss about you. Like the way we used to ride our bikes in the rain, and how you'd always let me win our races. The flat tires, and dares, the way that you would tease me into doing things and I would fall for it every time because I loved the challenge. I want so badly to really talk to you again.... to hear your voice, to hear you laugh, to see your cheeky smile ... just one more time. Today the rain brought you to me, long enough for me to love you and lose you all over again. .. I miss you, I'm sorry you were alone, that I wasn't there so you wouldn't feel alone... so that you wouldn't feel afraid... I want you to know that I've gone back since then in my mind, a million times I've gone back for you and every time I'm there with you, every time we are together...and you're not alone. Sometimes I look up and I try to find your face in the clouds, like that's how you see me now. And me searching earnestly for some kind of heavenly wave... . we will race again someday love, until then, wait for me in the rain...
------
Beginnings
I watched the house
As it fell right to the ground.
I was away from you.
And I watched the birds
As they fell out from the sky.
Into the hands of decay
I wish there was a way for you.
And I felt your voice
As it carried with the wind.
Like a fire in my ears.
Like the darkness of fear.
And I would bathe in ash
As it rained down from above.
And it would cast me out now
Into the fields of love.
And I watched the birds
As they fell out from the sky.
Into the hands of decay
I wish there was a way for you.
And I felt your voice
As it carried with the wind.
Like a fire in my ears.
Like the darkness of fear.
Like the voice of God.
- Houses
Monday, May 26, 2014
Saturday, May 24, 2014
2:43 am and my head and heart are paper talking...hold on, this may very well be nonsensical and by the way.. i don't have a plan, or anything that could be called a coherant thought pattern here so we'll see where this ride takes us, shall we?
We can't control our feelings, when or how they come and affect us, whether we want them to or not... but we can control our actions. They are our choice. How we choose to react, to behave, what we allow, that is our choice. We are accountable for our actions and their consequences. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Karma some call it. Regardless of the name, it exists for each of us. We reap what we sow in life. Be a person of integrity, be someone that you can respect and respect those that you love.
I was reminded today of the fact that as children we have parents to help guide us to make good decisions, parents are supposed to model it for us so that we understand that even though things feel or taste good, indulging our wants and desires are not always what is right for us. That things that feel good are not always necessarily good for us. That is why they call it temptation. The temptation to stay up late, eat sweets, play dangerously, have unprotected sex etc. And as we grow and become adults ourselves we are left to our own judgement to make that call. With only ourselves to hold us accountable. Sure people can weigh in with thoughts or opinions, but at the end of the day, we decide. The tough part is that as adults we have pressures, stresses and responsibilities and oh how we crave a simpler time. Time filled with playful laughter and ease, slow breathing and the romance that is being alive. So as adults we grasp at it when it passes us, because it's so tempting and it feels good. It makes us feel alive again. Renewed. It fills us with that promise we once felt. Of adventures and dreams. And all of this is so tempting, because it feels so right. But the difference between something that feels right and something that is right, is that if it is right for us it will never cause damage to the ones we love, the ones we've promised to keep safe. Because in the end hurting them only serves to hurt us as well.
Pain is our indicator in life. Both physically and emotionally. It is our warning beacon and helps us to know when we are doing something dangerous to ourselves or others. Imagine if we could not sense it. Our hand on a hot element, the damage we would do. Emotionally the same holds true, if we burry it in ourselves or ignore it in those we love, to give in to our immediate wants or hearts desires, imagine the damage we would do. So we are wired to sense and feel pain, to anchor us, to guide us. There are times when we need to step out of the moment and big picture things, to step back and gain perspective, because the damage we do in a moment can never be undone. And although forgiven, you can not always recover what is lost. Whether that loss occurs within ourselves or our relationships, things will forever be changed. And although getting lost in the moment is breathtaking and intensified by emotion, it doesn't ever take into account the after. Moments are by definition fleeting. They have no regard for what comes next. For the fallout, let alone the collateral damage. Love doesn't negate responsibility, if anything it heightens it. If we cannot stand by our word, our promises, our vows, then what are we? Then nothing we have to give, or share, means anything to another, it cannot carry any weight or meaning, if there is no foundation, no action behind it. The adage that actions speak louder than words is true. Let our actions be our words. Let my heart speak through my actions, let me be intentional in deed and thought, that my words, my actions be not the cause of pain or heartache for another soul to bear. This is the difference between being a adult and being a child. The knowing better. The doing better. "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became an adult I put the ways of childhood behind me." Love is many things and has many faces and forms... and discernment although difficult is required. True love, as in the essence of love untainted by human influence, love in its perfect form, in it's purity is this "Love is patient, love is kind, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
Love is not self seeking. Humans however, are. Now don't confuse that with not loving yourself. We should and need to love and honour ourselves. Without the ability to do this for ourselves, we cannot do this for another. “I do not trust people who don't love themselves and yet tell me, 'I love you.' There is an African saying which is: Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt.”
― Maya Angelou Love starts at home, with our own hearts. But the love that we engage in with others should not be self seeking. We weren't given the capacity and ability to love for what we get in return. We don't love because we need another to fill us. That is NOT love. That is need. That is want. But not love. And too often we confuse the two. I used to have this idea, whether it be from movies, from society, from the feelings love invokes that love meant finding that missing piece in you in someone else. Finding completion in or with the addition of another to the equation. The "you complete me" syndrome otherwise known as the "Jerry Maguire" so many of us feel and fall for. But the truth is that is not love either. Love does not mean finding another that completes us, for that kind of fulfillment never lasts, but instead love is finding another that compliments us as individuals. We need to be complete all on our own so we are capable of complimenting another. So many times I've heard people say, I love this person for how they make me feel... That is not love. You are not loving them, you are loving what you are getting from them. Love to love and for no other reason. It is no ones responsibility to feed us. All we are then is emotional vampires, sucking what we need from others, because we don't know how to find it in ourselves. Yes we are relational creatures and we need and crave contact and connection. Everyone wants to be known, to feel like a part of something bigger, to not feel alone. But for that to work in any kind of sustainable way we need to learn how to feed ourselves first so we can be a healthy contributing love for another. One that builds without taking, and instead receives what is shared. If we are capable of this, we sacrifice nothing and we jeopardize nothing. In this there is a solid and safe foundation for our hearts to grow strong and flourish and we create that same space for those we love.
So in the end, it is our actions that we control, and our actions that define us. You shape yourself, Be a person of integrity, strength of character in action and word and be the love that you need, know that you are worthy of love and love yourself unconditionally, then you can do so for the ones that you love knowing fully the truth, that you are worthy of their hearts.
I read all of this, and part of me can't believe this is coming from me, from my heart, a person who has always prided themselves on being in the moments when they happen. Following my heart come what may.. but that's the thing, my heart knows and has learned those lessons, that is instinctual for me.. now it is choosing to follow another path, one that feels foreign, a little scary because it demands presence of mind and self control, constantly. In every moment, word, action. Hearts are wild, my heart is wild, but for it to be safe for me, for those I share my life with, it needs reminding, boundaries and guidance. And my heart continually surprises me, I would have never thought it would pull me down this path, but I will follow it as always on its journey and desire for self improvement, for strength in discipline. Some times it even knows better than to listen to the things that my mind tries to justify. It keeps me honest with myself when it knows I'm getting a little off track. Like a tree that we prune to make fruitful and ensure continued growth, our heart requires the same. So right now, for me, I am enduring and moving through yet another emotional growth spurt. It is not always easy, and I am very flawed and don't always make the right choices.... but here's me.... and I'm trying... I am going to choose to keep trying. ..Wish me luck.
I was reminded today of the fact that as children we have parents to help guide us to make good decisions, parents are supposed to model it for us so that we understand that even though things feel or taste good, indulging our wants and desires are not always what is right for us. That things that feel good are not always necessarily good for us. That is why they call it temptation. The temptation to stay up late, eat sweets, play dangerously, have unprotected sex etc. And as we grow and become adults ourselves we are left to our own judgement to make that call. With only ourselves to hold us accountable. Sure people can weigh in with thoughts or opinions, but at the end of the day, we decide. The tough part is that as adults we have pressures, stresses and responsibilities and oh how we crave a simpler time. Time filled with playful laughter and ease, slow breathing and the romance that is being alive. So as adults we grasp at it when it passes us, because it's so tempting and it feels good. It makes us feel alive again. Renewed. It fills us with that promise we once felt. Of adventures and dreams. And all of this is so tempting, because it feels so right. But the difference between something that feels right and something that is right, is that if it is right for us it will never cause damage to the ones we love, the ones we've promised to keep safe. Because in the end hurting them only serves to hurt us as well.
Pain is our indicator in life. Both physically and emotionally. It is our warning beacon and helps us to know when we are doing something dangerous to ourselves or others. Imagine if we could not sense it. Our hand on a hot element, the damage we would do. Emotionally the same holds true, if we burry it in ourselves or ignore it in those we love, to give in to our immediate wants or hearts desires, imagine the damage we would do. So we are wired to sense and feel pain, to anchor us, to guide us. There are times when we need to step out of the moment and big picture things, to step back and gain perspective, because the damage we do in a moment can never be undone. And although forgiven, you can not always recover what is lost. Whether that loss occurs within ourselves or our relationships, things will forever be changed. And although getting lost in the moment is breathtaking and intensified by emotion, it doesn't ever take into account the after. Moments are by definition fleeting. They have no regard for what comes next. For the fallout, let alone the collateral damage. Love doesn't negate responsibility, if anything it heightens it. If we cannot stand by our word, our promises, our vows, then what are we? Then nothing we have to give, or share, means anything to another, it cannot carry any weight or meaning, if there is no foundation, no action behind it. The adage that actions speak louder than words is true. Let our actions be our words. Let my heart speak through my actions, let me be intentional in deed and thought, that my words, my actions be not the cause of pain or heartache for another soul to bear. This is the difference between being a adult and being a child. The knowing better. The doing better. "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became an adult I put the ways of childhood behind me." Love is many things and has many faces and forms... and discernment although difficult is required. True love, as in the essence of love untainted by human influence, love in its perfect form, in it's purity is this "Love is patient, love is kind, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
Love is not self seeking. Humans however, are. Now don't confuse that with not loving yourself. We should and need to love and honour ourselves. Without the ability to do this for ourselves, we cannot do this for another. “I do not trust people who don't love themselves and yet tell me, 'I love you.' There is an African saying which is: Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt.”
― Maya Angelou Love starts at home, with our own hearts. But the love that we engage in with others should not be self seeking. We weren't given the capacity and ability to love for what we get in return. We don't love because we need another to fill us. That is NOT love. That is need. That is want. But not love. And too often we confuse the two. I used to have this idea, whether it be from movies, from society, from the feelings love invokes that love meant finding that missing piece in you in someone else. Finding completion in or with the addition of another to the equation. The "you complete me" syndrome otherwise known as the "Jerry Maguire" so many of us feel and fall for. But the truth is that is not love either. Love does not mean finding another that completes us, for that kind of fulfillment never lasts, but instead love is finding another that compliments us as individuals. We need to be complete all on our own so we are capable of complimenting another. So many times I've heard people say, I love this person for how they make me feel... That is not love. You are not loving them, you are loving what you are getting from them. Love to love and for no other reason. It is no ones responsibility to feed us. All we are then is emotional vampires, sucking what we need from others, because we don't know how to find it in ourselves. Yes we are relational creatures and we need and crave contact and connection. Everyone wants to be known, to feel like a part of something bigger, to not feel alone. But for that to work in any kind of sustainable way we need to learn how to feed ourselves first so we can be a healthy contributing love for another. One that builds without taking, and instead receives what is shared. If we are capable of this, we sacrifice nothing and we jeopardize nothing. In this there is a solid and safe foundation for our hearts to grow strong and flourish and we create that same space for those we love.
So in the end, it is our actions that we control, and our actions that define us. You shape yourself, Be a person of integrity, strength of character in action and word and be the love that you need, know that you are worthy of love and love yourself unconditionally, then you can do so for the ones that you love knowing fully the truth, that you are worthy of their hearts.
I read all of this, and part of me can't believe this is coming from me, from my heart, a person who has always prided themselves on being in the moments when they happen. Following my heart come what may.. but that's the thing, my heart knows and has learned those lessons, that is instinctual for me.. now it is choosing to follow another path, one that feels foreign, a little scary because it demands presence of mind and self control, constantly. In every moment, word, action. Hearts are wild, my heart is wild, but for it to be safe for me, for those I share my life with, it needs reminding, boundaries and guidance. And my heart continually surprises me, I would have never thought it would pull me down this path, but I will follow it as always on its journey and desire for self improvement, for strength in discipline. Some times it even knows better than to listen to the things that my mind tries to justify. It keeps me honest with myself when it knows I'm getting a little off track. Like a tree that we prune to make fruitful and ensure continued growth, our heart requires the same. So right now, for me, I am enduring and moving through yet another emotional growth spurt. It is not always easy, and I am very flawed and don't always make the right choices.... but here's me.... and I'm trying... I am going to choose to keep trying. ..Wish me luck.
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