I've been here before.. and I will be again..

So let's talk about comfort zones, desire vs. instinct, curiosity vs. fear.

"Why Hello there Ms., are conflicting sides of your personality duelling it out these days?"
"Why yes! Yes kind sir, funny you should ask, they are indeed."

Some things have happened as of late that have made me stop. Pause. And take a look at myself, my heart, my life, my cautious side, my "romantic in love" emotional side, my "fuck that, you are talking too much take your clothes off and lets settle this" side, my introspective "what IS the point of all of this?" side, my fearful side, and my ever seeking and yearning to go deeper, learn more side.

So many pieces and they are all me. Working at times together for the greater good, sacrificing, compromising as they see fit, sometimes at odds, one needing something and the other needing the opposite. They call for me like children asking me to decide who's right, or who's turn it is to win.

I'm a little all over the place here, so lets start with some background.

Death.

Bang. Hit you square in the face with that one. Sorry about that. I'm clumsy at best when it comes to these things. Death unfortunately has been the theme of the week. Someone I knew passed away, too soon, too fast. When these things happen it makes me think of time. MORE than anything else in life, time gets my attention. Time is what I focus on. And how for something so infinite, there is so very little of it to go around. It's here and gone before you know it, and so are we...

It makes me think about how we all think we have time, time to do whatever we want, and if we don't get around to it well, there's always tomorrow...right? Whatever it is that we are a little shy or intimidated by, fearful of, tomorrow always seems like the best day to address it. That or being brave, or exploring or doing things in life that you allow yourself to think about, toy with, maybe even dream or fantasize about, but would never dare to actually do.. not yet anyway.. maybe later...

But what if there is no later. Death, makes me think about living. I have friends that are unsatisfied with their circumstance or in some cases their whole life, things they wish they would have done differently, things they wish they would've said yes to. And still.. they are more comfortable dwelling than doing.

Of course they are. Who isn't? It's scary, it can be, for sure, absolutely.
Committing to and following through with anything can be terrifying for some people.
You know what is scary to me? Never knowing.
Never knowing myself fully.
If I don't push myself to do the things that make me nervous, that push me out of my comfort zone, how will I ever really know? I need to know those things about me. I need to know what I'm made of, what I like, what I don't like from experience not imagination. I need to know that I will never let fear control me. That I refuse to be afraid of things I can't control, and more so refuse to be afraid of the things that are well within my power to control. Having the power to choose is a huge privilege. I don't want to take it for granted because of fear. And make no mistake, being afraid to choose so instead you sit idle, is not the same as making a choice, it's being a coward. It's living in a self made purgatory.

So I will always go big.
I will always say the words that leave me standing naked at the end of branch, hanging over a cliff, dangling in the hands of another. If my heart is in love.
I will always go at things head on, come what may.
I will kiss first and figure the rest out later.
I will always answer when love comes knocking,
because I only get one chance at this life.
I will hug it and pet it and call it George even when I know it's leaving.

And when it's over,
I will close my eyes...
And take a breath...
And let go...

And do it all again.


------






"Here Before"

Oh what a gray and hopeless day
I’ve got a worried mind
The sun’s behind the clouds again
And so am I, I ask the sky
Tell me which way to go, how will I know to shine again

I’ve been here before, I’ve seen it all
And I can’t take no more, I mean it,
I’ll go.

And this is the time, time to change to my life
Yeah these are the times, reaching up to find..

A window out,
Of doom and doubt
A remedy for agony
Oh hush that shout

I’ve been here before, I’ve seen it all
I can’t take no more, I mean it,
I’ll go.

You heard it all and more
Hearts beating, too hard

And this is the time, time to change to my life
Yeah these are the times, reaching up to find..
 
Whoa - oh
I took the wrong way home…

I’ve been here before, I’ve seen it all
I can’t take no more, I mean it,
I’ll go.

What’s this freedom for?
And this is the time, time to change to my life
Yeah these are the times, reaching up to find..

I’m reachin’ up to find
I’m reachin’ up to find
I'm reaching out…

- Lissie

Got a light?

You are by far and away,

my drug of choice.

The sweetest high a girl could have.

Smiles for miles ..

and a heart so genuine it manifests love as a corporeal reality.

How is it that you exist and share my everyday?

And so I believe in everyday Angels.

All because of my her.

And her ability to change ordinary moments into extraordinary ones.

when she's hurt she bleeds love and forgiveness because that's all she has to give.

and when she's happy her laughter is like CPR for every dying heart around her.

She saves lives.

She saved me.

She saves me.

Everyday she lights my way.

And here I'm left, hopelessly addicted.


------


"Sometimes,
I wake up
at four in the morning
and taste smoke,
in the back of my throat.

I swear to god,
you're still buring
somewhere inside of me."

- Solange

"It was a moment too precious to capture in words, too ethereal to verbally depict - my linguistics are failing me, I can't bring the balance of the world into these unsteady sentences. These words will dissipate, but the memory won't, I won't let it."

- Madison Maheni 


Tonight I let myself recall my first moments with you and I remember them exactly... to this day I still can't find the words... but I'll never forget... the way the softness in you made the world feel like a safer place.

Time to Open the Cages...

You grin, and your eyes gleam, pleased.

I feel like their staring right through me,

The way you laugh, and smile and tease,

The way it feels every time that I breathe,

Affected by your presence.

Your voice exciting and effervescent.

Making my skin tingle and insides turn.

Making me want to feel your warmth, even the burn,

Of a moment with you, in the back of a booth,

a back seat will do…

I don’t care about the venue.

Only the act.

I’ll say, "Take off your shirt; our hearts need to meet under more casual circumstances.

There’s no room for propriety in the wild.

No heart says, 'please.' And 'thank you, for taming me.'

Time to open the cages."

I want to show you the health benefits of skin on skin contact.

Touch your lips the way that tulips were meant to flower.

And make your ass mine,

Send shivers down that gorgeous spine,

And watch you quiver.

Peak your interest; until I’ve got you hook line and sink her...

Then I’ll kiss you goodnight, and give you my digits,

Until you call my name.

And you will…


------

Electric Feel

All along the western front
People line up to receive
She got the power in her hand
To shock you like you won't believe
Saw her in the amazon
With the voltage running through her skin
Standing there with nothing on
She gonna teach me how to swim

I said ooh girl
Shock me like an electric eel
Baby girl
You turn me on with your electric feel
I said ooh girl
Shock me like an electric eel
Baby girl
Turn me on with your electric feel

All along the eastern shore
Put your circuits in the sea
This is what the world is for
Making electricity
You can feel it in your mind
Oh you can do it all the time
Plug it in and change the world
You are my electric girl

Do what you feel now
Electric feel now

- MGMT