Dear Heart,

I recently had a conversation with a friend, she told me that I was the most romantic person she'd ever met when it came to the way I looked at the world, and how I pursued and gave myself over to the things that move me. She said that she'd never met anyone who loved bigger, without regard and hesitation. That from her perspective I just literally threw my heart at the things and people who could break it, professing their impact and importance. "Telling it like it is" to quote her.

My response was, "Who the fuck are you talking about? I am huge on hesitation, I am constantly weighing my feelings, the potential impact of voicing them, and I am terrified of being anything more than alone. Me I love, Me I trust (most of the time), Me I am safe with. Others? Well that is fear and desire rolled into a perpetual conscious battle between my heart and mind."

Heart Vs. Mind

She said, "I'm not saying that you don't fear, that you don't get scared. I'm saying that your passion and desire for expression is stronger and in the end, after the wrestling match, your heart refuses to be caged and you can`t stop yourself from giving it all. Whether spoken or not, it's done. Over time, the quieter you get, the more you care, because you feel it deeper and deeper, the love penetrating the next level of your being, growing roots, embedding itself, becoming part of you. Not just something that you allowed yourself to participate in, but something that you allowed to entwine itself, living in you. I've seen you do it before. And I'm in awe, just once in my life I want to feel what I see in your eyes when you talk about someone who moves you, someone you can't help but love, someone your heart connects with.

But I've also seen you broken. .. and that's why I am mesmerized by what you are capable of. How even after that, your heart can't stop itself, and even though your Mind tries, it never had a chance. It's beautiful... and tragic. It's the good and the bad. It's perfect in symmetry, darkness and light, forever tipping the scales one way or the other, always seeking balance."

Everything she said was true. Whether I care to admit it or not, I can't not speak when moved. Can't not give that moment everything I have, all of my energy, focus, love, intensity, because I don't want to miss it. I don't want to miss the magic, the chance to be changed, the moment of actual connect, that tangible link to another, however brief it may be is also powerful beyond words. The split second of recognition, of truth and depth, of fragility and fierce vulnerability when someone or something lets you in, and you see the unveiling of the soul.

Unbound.
Unrestrained.
Uncovered.
Unarmed.

Remarkable.
Stunning.
Staggering.
Breathtaking.

So here I sit, thinking she's right. It's amazing how someone can know you just by observing, given time, and patience. Here I sit thinking, my heart has no chance, I will go through this life, being broken and healed, broken and healed, and broken again. But I wouldn't have it any other way. Not if it means missing that moment. Besides, I'd be lying to myself if I were to think for one second that I can control or change my heart. It is the core of me and guides me along this path, in darkness and light, leading me to where it is I need to be. It is forever seeking...

Dear Heart,

I'll hold your hand.
Please don't let go of mine.

Always yours in this life and the next,
Christine

Loose change and the curb you call home

I'm falling so fast,
I can't keep up.
It doesn't matter,
that's just my luck.
Was it always this dark in here?
I don't remember this...
It's not the same.
Seems that time just drifts away..
Floats from me,
Flees from me,
and then it's gone.
Out of reach, out of sight.
This darkness hurts my eyes.
It's so dim in here, it burns and stings,
I'll close them for now, and I'm hearing things.
Can you hear it?
Can you hear the shadows dance?
Can you feel them slap your hands?
I'm it? I can't be it. I've never been it...
I don't want to play.
Please someone, turn on the light?
I open my eyes, and again I'm alone.
Where is everyone? Have the shadows run home?

Hey buddy, can you spare a dime?
Can I use your phone?
What do you mean, 'for what'?
to call someone, anyone!
They should really know where I am...