I was surprised yesterday by someone. Someone who, I am not too ashamed to say, I misjudged. First impressions are crazy. Well in fairness to me, it wasn't just the first impression, I've had several interactions with this individual and had "given them the benefit of the doubt" and "extended the hand" etc etc. And still it appeared that after all that, they were, to be frank, just bitchy.
However, yesterday I had yet another opportunity to delve. So I made the decision, against my better judgment, to wade into icy waters so to speak, and attempt yet again to relate.
To find common ground.
To my astonishment, it worked. It REALLY worked. No I'm not naive and have taken into consideration that this person my have been trying to play me, but seeing as I armed myself with these warnings going in, I feel that I was ready.
More importantly I went in with a genuine desire to know more, to discover on some level who this person was and what was important to them. And I really truly feel that they responded to that honesty and finally opened up and let their guard down, responding with genuine vulnerability themselves.
It's strange, placing yourself in unfamiliar territory, taking a leap of faith by putting yourself out there to see what depths people are capable of.
It was awkward, scary and kind of raw for me, definitely humbling. But I can't grow if I don't venture out of my comfort zone and seize the opportunity to be real, to expose myself, admit weakness, and need. To move past insecurities by facing them head on, not just by being an adult, but by acting like one.
I think that I've been afraid for a long time to let myself really need anyone. That admitting that at times I really do need help, and that as capable as I am, I will always need help, is extremely difficult for me.
I have no problem saying it to the loved ones in my life, but saying it, and actually allowing them to be that for me is very different. My fear is that the moment I let myself depend on someone else … fully, completely, that that will be the moment that breaks me. That will be the moment that they abandon me. (yes, I said it, abandonment issues from a 30+ yr old.) They are not new to me, I've had them forever it feels like, and I know the exact moment that triggered them. That moment has impacted an immense amount of my life. The decisions I've made, and limitations that I've placed on all my relationships because of it. It has shaped me and defines, in large part, who I am today. I'm aware of the conscious choices that I have made, who I've chosen to be. Most days I am more than fine with it, but some days I do wonder what it would be like to meet that other version of myself. The version of me who chose weakness, the one who wasn't afraid of what needing someone might do to them. The one who had never felt love's amazing power only to witness it's crushing destruction, or feel the hollow ache it left behind as a constant reminder. A reminder that just echoes in silence. Once you've been there, the option of choosing seems less a choice and more a mandate for survival. But I bet that version of me would've been something unstoppable, something inspiring, for lack of fear.
In the end I think that it all comes down to perception, and willingness. How willing are you to perceive the good? I want to be willing, but then again, I want a lot of things.
Here's hoping. That at least I still have. Out of hope comes life and the will to move forward.
And therefore, chances to change the future and let go of the past.
To allow opportunity to change my perceptions and alter myself and relationships in the process.
Everyday I pray for new eyes, so that my heart may see the good.
Yesterday was a good day.
